My teenage stepson makes me uncomfortable & his dad doesn't understand
My husband is 32 and had my SS very young (at 19). We married 2 yrs ago, I am only 25 and my SS is now turning 13. While the age thing freaked me out a bit at first (my SS is half my age) I really loved my husband so decided to give it a try. Even though I was still trying to cope with hardly ever having private time with my spouse since the SS stayed with us half the week, I was also trying to deal with becoming a mom so soon. My husband and I used to enjoy having 3 days of private time, but last year my SS's mother passed away and now he lives with us full-time. My husband and I never have time to ourselves now, trying to find private time is extremely hard since his son follows him everywhere and has often stood outside our door when we are trying to have "alone" time, which creeps me out. My SS has been going through puberty for awhile now. He tries to act all innocent when we are home but I know its just a show he puts on so when we are gone he can try to watch adult television shows or try to access porn on our computer. I know when I was his age and had a brother, my brother was getting porn from his buddies so I understand that he is curious.
I suggested that we put a parental block on our t.v. since we caught him accessing porn on our family computer twice in recent yrs. I've told him several times that we can monitor what he does on the computer but he still looked. After I got upset about it, his dad told me that I'm being ridiculous and hate his son. He also thought that putting a block on the tv was harsh since he believes his angel son would never try looking at anything he's not supposed to.
Well, 2 days ago I turned on the tv and hit the "Resume Viewing" button and found that someone had recently watched several porn shows. When I told his dad he needs to have a talk with him, he immediately asked my SS who of course denied it. So my husband immediately told me that he cannot get upset because all teenage boys are curious and it may have been put on there erroneously. Well, of course we found out it wasn't an error and the SS finally confessed to which his dad grounded him for lying and had a talk with him that he didnt get grounded for looking at porn and its okay to be curious.
Then my husband told me that I should no longer wear shorts or my pajamas (a t-shirt and shorts) around the house or in front of my SS anymore (by the way, I am a tomboy for the most part and hardly ever dress "sexy", the only thing I wear that would even classify me as "girlie" are shorts, I'm not sexual around my SS in ANY way). This means I cannot wear any of those articles of clothing ever because my SS has no friends and is at home all day everyday after school. I feel very uncomfortable because I don't know what thoughts are going through his head but obviously my husband thinks they may be impure so now I can't even be around the SS without feeling violated. Its been bothering me for 2 days now and when I finally got to talk to my husband about it (which was so awkward because we never have any privacy since his SS stands outside our bedroom door when we need to talk privately) he said that I'm being ridiculous, always have issues with his son, and he doesn't know what to tell me because he can't solve my problems.
I don't know what to do, my husband is always telling me that he wishes I dressed-up more often, how great I look in shorts and how he wishes I would wear them more often . . . now he tells me to stop wearing anything that might provoke his son to have impure thoughts & I'm crazy?!?!?!? I feel violated, I don't know what to do ;( oh, and p.s.= my husband complains that we don't have enough "sex" anymore, but how can we when the few moments we get alone together are violated by his son being around him ALL day and plays with his toys directly outside our door?!?!?! The only time we have alone is before bed, and my SS's room is next to ours and he goes to bed later than we do so he can hear every peep from our room ;( I can't even get in the mood anymore, I feel so uncomfortable anymore, I can't even be in the house without feeling awkward.
i know your pain to a
i know your pain to a certain degree. My ss16 is always outside our door in the living room when my husband wants to 'be together" it creeps me out. He (my s16) also CONSTANTLY looks at porn on the compuer. i put bloks on it, but my husband had me remove it because it blocked too much stuff- i dont have to worry about certain stuff, but it makes me very uncomfortable to be around him -ss16- . do you think is some weird man way, your husband feels "victorious" to be all man having sex wth woman thing with an audioence- no matter who it is? hmm that sometimes is the freaky part that i worry about- I dont know, its just a bit odd sometimes- dont feel to much like a wife anymore.
Your son's mother died last
Your son's mother died last year. He's gone from living with her and you to living with you full time. He's hit puberty. Compared to all that, not wearing shorts whenever you want seems like a pretty small thing to do if it will help him.
Stepmadness: You make a good
Stepmadness: You make a good point about the father dictating to his wife what she can and can't wear. I was actually thinking--the father thinks his wife is hot; he's got sympathy for a son going through puberty who's also had a lot of other grief and stress; the son's obviously interested given the porno; and the husband was just trying to help turn down the kid's "thermostat." I wasn't thinking about issues of husbands issuing orders to their wives.
Not happenin in Rags world I
Not happenin in Rags world I can assure you. The kid should never be allowed to interfere in the marriage ...... ever. He is certainly a beneficiary of the marriage but he should have no ability to interfere in the relationship between you and your DH.
Your DH telling you to change how you dress, which sounds perfectly appropriate to me, is completely unreasonable.
I would put a webcam in a place that will view your door and boot SS-13 (figuratively or literally .... your call) in the ass when you catch him lurking at your door inappropriately.
Tell your DH that if he does not like how you are dealing with his son then he had better step up and do it before you have to.
Put the parental block on the TV whether your DH wants it or not. PW protect you computer so that the kid can't even get on it if that is what you want to do.
Your DH needs to understand that this is the 21st century US and that it is not his place to dictate how you dress, how you discipline children in your (joint) home and what your expectations are of him, your marriage and the behavior of the kid.
Yes, teens are curious and the porn thing may or may not be a big deal. But if you are not comfortable with it in your home then your DH should make sure it is not in your home ...... PERIOD!
Good luck and best regards.