This is my last hope
Good day. I'm in my 40's with my own children. I've had my share of bad relationships and always thinking the next will be better. I finally met a man that I truly love and adore. He has 2 children that live with him. One now an adult the other teenage age. We live separately because there is just no room for us all to live together and the age gaps between his children and mine. He goes to work each day and each day he brings his child to my house, she attends the school near to my home. So from 7am I care for my bf's child and when the child leaves school comes straight to my home for me to care for, feed, make sure home work is done, I now have 4 children to look after daily. We have been together for 3 years and it feels like it's only me doing the parenting of his child. They leave my home at night time to sleep in there own home and each day the same thing happens. His child causes trouble with my children and is strange around me, even after 3 years! Recently it's been found his child has been making my youngest child feel not good about herself and making her feel she's no good at anything, his child has admitted this and was dealt with promptly and talked to of the reasons we don't treat young children this way. His child is sneeky and looks through all my things, talks about me, I know maybe your thinking that's just a child, but I really can't put I to words how this child is making me feel. I feel like I don't want to be at home any more. I've truely had enough of raising someone else's child and he just gets to go to work, I cook for him also when he arrives here. He is a good man, but him putting me as the mother to his child is killing me inside. I don't want to be without him. I've told him how I feel, and I can't do this. He still continues to drop her off to me because he has no other child care. He makes me feel like his job and problems are all my fault if I stop having her. Sorry this is so long, I really could go on longer of what it's like. Walking into your own living room and they stop talking because you've entered, the list is endless. I feel so lost right now. I'm always the last to know anything and never asked about something first seeing as I'm the one doing all the parenting, I've had enough and can't do this any more, but no one is listening.
Why does he need childcare
Why does he need childcare for a teenager? Another thing, a teenager is perfectly capable of getting dinner ready for their dad. This situation is putting unnecessary stress on you and your children and is also costing you money! This has to stop!
He isn't as good a man as you think if he's using you like this. His lack of childcare is not your problem. NOT.YOUR.PROBLEM. The teen can catch a bus to his work and sit with him.
Tell him that, as from Friday this week, neither he nor his child will be welcome on school days. You are not mummy 2.0. Next week, keep your door locked, let neither of them in. If he'll leave you for drawing and enforcing boundaries he wasn't worth having in the first place.
A good relationship requires give and take from both partners. He is only taking and that is not on.
I don't understand why you
I don't understand why you have to care for a teenager.. most teens would be able to be home before and after school. PLUS, he has another ADULT child in the home? Sorry.. you should not be responsible for this.
I might ask him.. "so, what would you do if I were not around to help with this? is our relationship soley based on what I can do for you to make your life easier.. even if it means it is a great burden on mine?"
You are providing him free child care.. he is using you. he does not, in fact, sound like a great man.
Free childcare AND free meals
Free childcare AND free meals.
Yep... she feeds him and his
Yep... she feeds him and his child.. and does free child care.. that would be worth a pretty penny at the end of the month.. I'm guessing he does not compensate her for watching his bratty child.
Hell no. When my SD's (28&26)
Hell no. When my SD's (28&26) were teens my DH and his ex (BM) provided all transportation and childcare for THEIR kids. Not my job. I have my own children to care for. Why are you putting up with this bullcrap? I'm not sure how you got suckered into being the free babysitter but that is ridiculous and completely unfair to your own children. It would be one thing if you were occasionally doing your DH a FAVOR but you should not be expected to provide for his child on a day in and day out basis. He is using you.
Where is this kid's mother?
Where is this kid's mother?
Unfortunately the children
By order of the courts that no contact can be made with there biological mother. That was all before I knew him.
Welcome to the site!
I echo the others who have said why are you caring for a teenager? You titled your thread "This is my last hope" so I guess you are toying with the idea of ending it? I suggest that before doing so, you explain to your BF that you will not be caring for his teen any longer - and if he wants care he needs to find it elsewhere. Your own children and you should not be suffering as a result of the arrangement. If he steps up, understands your feelings and makes other arrangements, then MAYBE the relationship can continue - but if he tries to bully you into continuing/makes you feel guilty then you have your answer as to whether this man is worth bothering with.
His kid is a teen. Why does it need to be cared for?
I would make it clear. The kid leaves for school in the AM then does not come home until daddy gets home after work. If this kid is abusive to your young children this kid has no place in your home unless under daddy's hairy eyeball.
Love is not a fee fee. Love is action. If this failed father loves you, he needs to take the actions of love and mitigate the behavioral issues that his nasty failed family spawn perpetrates towards you and your young children. So either daddy fixes it, or... the spawn is gone. If he complains, he and the spawn are gone.
A SParent is not a live in chef, maid, child care, or beck and call sex partner. You are supposed to be equity life partners. So, demand that your SO step up and actually be your equity life partner. If you do nothing, nothing changes. Take action.
Take care of you and protect your children from his failed family baggage and his failures as a father.
IMHO of course.
Thank you
Thank you everyone that took the time out to read my words and reply. It really has given me some real answers that I've known deep down but I'm always making an excuse to put up with. I have tried before to say enough is enough and I wasn't listened to and it just carried on. Thank you again.
We're listening. Please
We're listening. Please listen to us in return.
He is not, repeat NOT, a good man. He is taking horrible advantage of you and your generosity. And now you've finally had enough. TELL HIM.
Let's summarize:
Love yourself enough to show him and his sneaky, mean brat the door. There are better men out there. Better to be alone than to be used.
Free Yourself
That is HIS KID...not yours. You have NO need to be care-taking and feeding a teen, especially one that is disrespectful to you. Your SO is using you for free babysitting and parenting. End that NOW.
The kicker for me was him trying to guilt you by saying you would be the cause of all his issues at work and other life problems if you stopped watching his kid. This dude needs to grow up and take care of his responsibilities.
Give this guy his walking papers. There ARE good men out there...this isn't one.
Best to you.
What did he do?
What did he do before you?
What do you want ?
Three years. '' It's time to $hit or get off the pot'' A good man should be making planes to buy a larger home. Where you all can live in. Not playing his game. You should be getting some financial help from him. It's not that he can't find child care. He doesn't want to pay for it,
'I assume you both know there something wrong with her. A teenager will not want to be babbysat by her BF GF. She would want to be on her own. What leaders to the other fact., Will this girl ever leave, or she still will be with Dadddddy at 40 .
At the three year mark in a relationship, you must decide to go fully in. [buying a new home, combining money, responsibilities, ect Him helping with your kids ect] or go your separate ways, Or number three Telling him you are not taking care of hid DD and see where the relationship goes from there
"I assume you both know there
"I assume you both know there something wrong with her."
LOL i know! By the time they age out of daycare for before/after school care, they can get themselves on and off the bus and do their own homework. They can even make themselves breakfast (pour cereal in bowl, add milk) if school doesn't serve it, and make a little snack after school.
DUMP HIM
DUMP HIM
I'm so sorry you're in this
I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I don't doubt that you love this man but this is impacting both you and your child. Draw up some clear boundaries - you are not his saviour, you are enabling a toxic set up and he needs to take accountability and action for his own mess. Please continue to reach out here - there is a wealth of insight and wisdom to draw from as well as support
And remember
This girl will never make it in her own. You will never have alone couple time as a two week vacation as in IIHawaii
it will be. Take SD with you. Or can't just can't leave her for two weeks. Alone. You don't need a relationship like that. With no alone future e4