Before his daughter moved in with us, she and I had a wonderful relationship and I was on board with her moving in with us because we got along and I wanted for my husband to get a chance to raise his daughter. Fast forward three years where our relationship has deteriorated with her dramatically. For me, it happened over time. Little things like me being made the bad guy, husband not supporting me, her arguing with me and him accusing us of arguing like teenagers, her being incredibly disrespectful to the both of us, throwing 5 yr. old tantrums when she's expected to clean her bathroom, etc. She picked up on the disconnect and saw that we weren't a team when it came to her and she exploited it by causing a wedge in our marriage.
Over the last year, I have been disengaging and became completely disengaged by the end of 2012. This occurred because of two occasions where she lied to him for attention and to get her way that required throwing me under the bus. For me that was he last straw. She cares more about herself and getting her way and I mean nothing to her. This has caused a huge strain in my marriage and we've both filled out divorce papers, but neither of us filed.

She has graduated and will be 19 years old in November. I feel that I've given her everything I can possibly give her and am done being disrespected, taken advantage of, lied to, and most importantly betrayed. I cannot live with her any longer for these reasons and so many more. I've given him until mid August and she needs to be going off to a college with a dorm, joining the military, getting a full time job/apartment, or moving back in with her mother. The last resort is for him to move out so he can continue the life we've led with her under our roof for the last three years.

He feels like he's being MADE to choose and I feel like if he were to step up and actually parent her things would have turned out a lot differently. She has decent grades and SAT scores that will get her into college, however she didn't get into the only 2 schools which she applied- the one where her partying friends go and the other with her boyfriend. So she started looking at community colleges near those schools, but those don't have dorms so she thinks her mom and dad should split the cost of an apartment. If he had spent the last 4 months being a parent and sitting down with her to choose 3 other schools to apply to and filling out the applications with her to ensure they get done, he wouldn't be putting himself in the position of having to choose. He gave her a deadline of May 30 and she never followed through, nor did he (common theme- we wrote 2 family plans, one after she moved out for 5 days so she could party with friends, and he never followed through on any of those either). He's even mentioned going on a school visit with her, but hasn't followed through on that either.

I don't think it is fair to make me the bad guy yet again by accusing me of giving him an ultimatum. Again, his lack of parenting and lack of expectations for his daughter are causing this. Heck, now that I do nothing for her he doesn't even like her and is fed up with her selfishness. I feel that the more time that passes between now and August where he isn't helping her to make a good choice for her future, the closer I get to having to make a choice of divorce. He knows I will no longer subject myself to living with her any longer. I own the home we are in, as I purchased it when I was single, but I've also said I'd move out before I'd spend another day in this house with her. I know this sounds strong, but it as taken three years to get to this point and three years of her attitude tainting the atmosphere of this home. He's already told me that if he has to move out with her we will get a divorce. I feel that if it comes to that then I know I did everything I could and we weren't meant to be. We are at an impasse and the longer she is left to dictate the choices, the most likely August will come around and no plans will have been made for her future. Please help with any advice as I love my husband and don't want to lose my marriage over a wishy washy, self-centered teenager.