Life about to change drastically!
Hello all.... I just stumbled into these forums... and it looks like just the place i need to be right now....
A little bit of the back story: DH and I have been married since 2001, together as a couple since about 1998.... he has two daughters from previous relationship (wasn't married...) C (born in 1992) and J (born in 1995)... together DH and I have two little girls (A in 2005 and S in 2008).
His ex (and bio mom) and I really do get along wonderfully! We would go for coffees together and talked all the time while they were living here... she moved with the kids back t her home town for work and her family is there... We live really far apart, but in same province....
The older girls have always spent their summers with us, and as a family of 6 when they're down, we do pretty good....
Now fast forward to present day.... younger SD (age 15) has been getting into a lot of trouble at home and BM is scared witless. SD spent halloween nite at a hotel and showed up at home the next day hung over; she's been caught lying repeatedly; caught stealing from BM; skipping school (grade 9); hanging out with a really rough crowd (who are known for drinking and drugs); and came home the other day with a ring of hickes around her neck. She's being completely disrespectful to BM and her older sister, and has threatened physical violence against her mom. Part of the issue is they are Native and the group sd has been hanging out with are very gang like.... BM is also Native and works with youth up there...she sees and knows what's going on - and the path J is on is a scary one!!
BM and DH solution is to have J move in with us - NEXT WEEK! BM is driving her down during March Break, and we will have a 15 year old with a bad attitude living with us!
I have absolutely no problem with J moving in with us, and have alwyas fully supported having an open door for both my step daughters - and they know that too!
My concern is how this will effect the little ones (age 4 & 1); how J will adapt to new cty & new school when the school year is 3/4 over already; and how we'll cope as a whole....
I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions!!
Thanks!
Christina
You need to sit down with DH
You need to sit down with DH and write out a parenting contract. Having children for visits is very different than having an out of control teen full-time.
You need to outline what your expectations of each other are (united front, exacting consequences immediately). What the consequences will be for misbehavior. What the expectations are for school performance, helping out around the home, part time job, etc.
Then when she arrives she needs to sign it along with the two of you. She will know immediately where she stands. It will be tough but she deserves it.
Quick question - what do you
Quick question - what do you mean when you say "part of the problem is they are Native"?
Strict discipline. Set
Strict discipline. Set boundaries immediately, and follow up infractions with swift and blinding justice. I have no specific experience with this issue as a parent but my brother started down this path and my mom just wasn't able to handle it on her own. As a result, my brother has drug and alcohol induced mental retardation. He is 37 and functions at a fifth grade level.
I am not saying this will happen to your SD at all. I think that because you are removing her from her negative situations and the triggers that cause it, it will be fine. You guys will have to stay strong, together. If I were you I would sit the younger kids down and tell them what is happening and that it might be a little tense at home for a few weeks. The SD will fight you and be resistent but the stronger you are and the more you hold firm to your boundaries and rules the better the situation will get.
You will make it through this. Sometimes being a parent is really really hard. You can do this.
Good luck and keep us all posted.
I'd find a marriage
I'd find a marriage counselor today. Make the appointment for as soon as possible.
Find another one that specializes in teens.
Pray that your husband understands that this is his responsibility, that the welfare of his entire
family can be at risk depending on how he handles this new situation.
And remember that your her step, not bio. Keep the roles clear to both of you.
Be a great hostess, but not her mother.
And also, keep in mind that because her mother is 'scared' and can't handle it, doesn't mean that
you automatically have to step up (no pun intended) and be a role model or parent to an angry at risk
teen.
Good luck.
You couldn't be more right
You couldn't be more right Tiny Dancer!
Lol, thanks. Unfortunatly,
Lol, thanks. Unfortunatly, it comes from experience....
Thanks all for this... it
Thanks all for this... it truly does help!!!!
We have a local Teen Health Centre, and I've been in contact with them about setting up coucelling - they have group for teens, and family councelling.
1Life1Chance - when I said "Part of the issue is they are Native" it's the community they are in. I mean no disrespect to the culture as a whole - but where they physically live, it's a very high native population, and there are A LOT of problems with the youth - the current drug of choice is oxy... years back when my husband lived there, the drug of choice was cocaine... and not to nitpic - I did say issue, not problem....referring to the issue at hand....
DH and I have talked about our expectations of her, and of each other, and so far we're on the same page. The only thing that I really needed to smack him upside the head to see was that while J s living with us, it is OUR rules - not mom's!! That there will be differences, and that I will not mold my life to her rules - i.e. there may be things BM doesn't allow, that I may allow.... (I am not referencing a specific item - just in general)
BM, C, and J, and my family, in the past, have been able to talk openly and have gotten along really well - which is a big plus - so I'm not so concerned about the family dynamics... it's the unknown and budget constraints that have me the most stressed!!
We'll see how it all plays out!!
Thanks again for your support! As the drama unfolds, I'll keep you posted!!