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Lazy. Lazy lazy lazy

RL1989's picture

Hello all, 

Just a rant really, but wonder if anyone else has experienced anything similar. When I was 16 I wasn't all that motivated, but was lucky to have parents who encouraged, instilled discipline, occasionally sanctioned me and generally made me into a semi-productive member of society. Fast forward (too many years), and here I am at 44 in a loving relationship with someone with two kids, boy, 15, girl 16. 

Until recently I'd defend young people against accusations of oldies like me that they're useless, entitled, and generally lazy. My current situation has reversed that completely. They are not bad kids, we've had shouting-matches, cigs being nicked, curfews broken, but nothing too horrendous. 

What grabs me though is the sheer sense of entitlement. The girl is a selfish, grasping, self-centred person who went through school doing the bare minimum, and blaming her "sh*t life", bad teachers, illness, bullying (and most probably my presence) for her consistently bad performance at school. GCSE results were a shock, even to those expecting them, but all that was said by her family was "Well done you, in spite of everything". There was not a solitary pass. I'm not saying she should have been beaten up on for the results, after all, not everyone is academic, but the toe-curling statements afterwards had, as the youth say, bare cringe. 

Fast forward again, dear leader, to the summer holidays after school had finished. Didn't bother handing out CVs until forced to, and bemoaned the lack of employment due to illness, holiday, our attendance at a wedding. "It's so much harder for them to get jobs now they have to stay in education". Granted, but that didn't explain the crazy amounts of young people waiting on tables, clearing glasses in pubs, all manner of things. Presumably they were the ones that got their CVs distributed early, and didn't go to their job interview wearing pyjama bottoms (yes, this happened). Again, platitudes on how tough it is that she can't get a job, and the offer of travel money to college when it starts in September.

September arrives, and it's time for College. She was kitted out with new bag, £50 worth of pens and all that rubbish, new shoes, etc. etc. etc. One week into college, the headaches started, and the blurred vision. The Optician couldn't test her eyes as her vision was so blurred, and in fairness did find something amiss on those retina photos they take, but the vision is a big problem. To cut a long story short, our embattled National Health Service has now run a battery of tests to find what the matter is. Within the NHS some of the finest medical professionals in the world ply their trade. They have yet to find anything the matter. 

"I have blurred vision", "I'm seeing three of everything". "I'm walking into stuff". These problems don't seem to affect the viewing of Thik Tok (sic) videos on her mobile or the voracious consumtion of bad (apologies) American teen "dramas" on the telly. The specialist optometrist at the hospital ran a comprehensive sight test, and to my amusement stuck in some dummy lenses. Vision miraculously restored. No prescription needed, all lines on the chart were read with thin plastic lenses that do nothing.

Was the result of this a talk about how our fine health service could do without running pointless CAT and MRI scans and about three batteries of blood tests? Was it about the constant transport and the costs of taxis when I'm not available to provide lifts? Was it about lying? 

NO! "At least you're not blind" All the platitudes about how she's going to work hard at college and make the most of the second chance she's been given seem to be being squandered and no one but no one has the guts to challenge it. 

As for the lad, his latest results look like a bad hand at Scrabble. I sympathise, and help has been offered, but it's only going to go one way next year. This is the same lad who is mad on fishing, and we help where we can but he NEEDS something new from the tackle shop but doesn't have money. I offer £30 to do my car inside and out. More than generous seeing what a poor job he makes of it and I end up having to do it alongside. He doesn't want to do that. 

He wants to join the military, so I suggest Army Cadets. I make a few enquiries and find out they have a trial night at the local TA base, so off we pop. He did one night.  He came out saying he's going to "fly through the ranks" (surely he'd need the RAF Cadets for that), and how the other cadets all "sucked". He now doesn't want to go back for a second trial night. Something tells me we're not looking at the next Field Marshall Montgomery here.  He is, however, going to become rich, retire at 40, and drive a flash car. I hope I live through the stress long enough to see what happens. 

Am I going to challenge any of this? Am I b*llocks. I love my girlfriend and will stand up for myself where I have to, but I'm through trying to pass on my life experience, both good and bad to try and help and encourage. 

Thank you for reading. It's helped to put it all down on "paper". 

Best wishes all
"The Invisible Man"

Harry's picture

Kids accountable for there work, and actions . SD found out if she cried wolf ,  being bully ect. She then didn't have to do any work .  But Spencer time with in government programs.  Social works, counseling,  not learning anything.  
'The result is, she can pull this at a place of work.  They want you to work not be in counseling. Instead of doing your job.  
SE is going to have a long road depending on others ....you...DW .., to pay for her life.   
'the teachers received there pay as the social works, and counselors. They are still working with the new group of bully students 

ESMOD's picture

I agree that schools.. at least here in the US seem to endow these kids with a lot of lofty ideas of their worth.. their potential and what they should be entitled to.  Much of the "living wage, free healthcare, free school, free phone, free internet,  and complaining that they can't buy 4 bedroom homes in nice areas at the ripe age of 22 concepts seems to be fertile ground for the younger generations."  Isn't it easier to claim  that they are owed more because us oldies screwed up the world.. and doesn't it just absolve them of the blame for things not going well?

I guess the lowered expectations for both your skids are that at least they are potentially going to pursue more education/militart service after their teen years. That's more motivation than a lot of kids have.

I came from a "no one is going to hand you anything" generation.. but today.. the talk of fairness.. equity.. and the idea that at the wet behind the ears ages they should have a full voice in how things are run.. when they haven't had one ounce of self sufficiency.

hopefully both yours somehow fumble themselves to some residence outside your home.. haha.

Rags's picture

Don't waste your time mentoring and coaching if your SO is not truly your partner in the relationship or in holding her failed family progeny accountable and keeping the burning platform flames stoked to get them to launch.  Your challenge is that both kids are young enough that they will be dependant for another 2-3 years.  

You have time to set and enforce standards of behavior and standards of performance.  Do that, make sure your SO understands that any children in your home will be held to those standards and she needs to be your partner in enforcing them.

My SS was one who is incredibly intelligent and remarkably self aware to the point that he was clear at 17 that he was not ready to put in the effort for University.  He told us that he understood that getting his degree is important and he would do it but that University right after HS graduation he was not ready for and would be a waste of our money and his time.  So, burning platform time.  He was our live in beck and call chore boy for 8mos until he reported for USAF BMT over 13yrs ago.  He is less than 7 years from full military retirement.  He is working on his BS having completed his AS and is taking continued classes to graduate.

We made sure that he had a full day of chores M-F and then prepared dinner for the three of us and cleaned up after.  On week ends, he did the cooking. If went out for a meal, he was with us, if we visited family or took a vacation, he was with us.  But once we were home, he was on constant house duty.

You do not have much time. Though little time or not, they need to launch at 18 and your SO needs to be fully engaged on making that happen. If they are not post-secondary education material, their launch date is 18 or HS graduation, which ever is the later. IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

Good luck.

Cath5213's picture

I agree - don't waste your time mentoring & coaching. That is useless, won't do anything for them and for you. Don't spend anymore of your valuable time, money and any other kind of resources that you have for any of them. Their own family who claim that it is a job well done are the ones who can then support them when they realise that the job well done isn't at all done. 

And yes, if they stay and live at home, then it is up to you & your SO to make them accountable and set rules, boundaries and expectations on how life should be when they're at home. If they don't like it, then they can move out. 

Entitlement is 100% what this younger generation is battling with. They get handed everything on a silver platter by their parents, and with the internet just one finger tap away, they can see what everyone else gets from their parents too, which does not help. They compare things at school, with their friends, and with what other entitled kids show off on their social media platforms. Their parents are too weak to set boundaries and expectations, and scared to be judged as 'strict' parents and to actually apply *GASP* consequences. Scared to be doing anything but 'gentle' parenting. Gentle parenting IMO raises inconsiderate, selfish, entitled, lazy bratty kids. Kids these days are already getting so much more than what the previous generations ever get, in terms of abundance of food, toys, play times, holidays, etc2., essentially all the good stuff with little to no boundaries and consequences. Parents everywhere are complaining that every weekend consists of kids' sports' games, play dates and birthday parties. Every goddamn holiday is for the kids. And every kid's birthday parties you go to, there are a gazillion presents for the birthday kid, and loads of fun play times organised for the birthday event. Yet after all these fun, they then go home and act sh*t and demand more sh*t and their parents can't do jacksh*t or even apply consequences for their misbehaving, for fear of scarring them for life and being judged. It is a load of bollocks to be honest. Not every parent does this of course, but still, you see so many of these examples these days that it is slowly becoming the norm, if it isn't already. My colleague's son recently went to a school camp, and he said that many kids didn't go, not because they couldn't afford it, but because the kids themselves didn't want to go; either because they preferred to play video games at home, or they didn't like the food at the last school camp, or because they just simply don't feel like going, and their parents let them. And these are grade 5 school students. So essentially parents aren't even capable of making decisions for their 11 y.o. anymore, and letting these kids make their own decisions. And these are 11 year olds, they're not even teenagers FFS. WTF has the world come down to?

Harry's picture

All her problems kept from learning anything or learning how to [ do the work ]. She not properly prepared for college. She is way far back from her class mates in education levels.  She should not be in college.   So she is reverting back to what work for her, for years.  Illness.  Hard to do bullying in college . But illness will work. SD will drop out because she not prepared to be there. 
Maybe some type of jr college to get her back in the swing of things