Is it ok to ask the kids don't hang out at our house when it's NOT kid week?
We aren't married yet, but own a home together and grandparents who are daycare providers live 1 mile away. My fiance has 2 kids, I have none. The 9 year old girl stays with grandparents before and after school, but the 13 year old boy rides his bike and hangs out at our house as he pleases. We just moved here about 6 mos ago so this is a new problem, but today was last day of school and already the BM is dropping him off at 7:15 am while I'm getting ready for work half naked because I'm thinking I'm home alone AND he's here when I get home from work. So when I try to do my pilates workout in the garage after work before my fiance comes home I have to deal with the boy going in and out of the garage never knowing when his mom is going to pull up to pick him up (on her week).
My fiance asks nothing of his children in the way of cleaning up after themselves, or even doing for themselves. I've barely been able to convince fiance there is nothing wrong with asking boy to at least do his own dishes if he eats while he's home alone during the day
We have 50% custody so one week on one week off. I feel like I have to make concessions when it's our week with kids, but I feel different when it's not kid week. I cherish non-kid week and my privacy. I want to dress comfortably when I'm home alone and already can't do that 50% of the time when they are here. Is it fair to ask them to allow me 50% of whatever I want on non-kid week or is this part of the BS that goes along with being with someone with biological children?
At the last place we lived together fiance asked if kids could get dropped off before school every day because we lived across the street from their school and I got fiance to understand why that was not ok with me. I don't see the difference with the scenario we are in now, but I'm dreading bringing it up again because it always ends badly.
Thoughts?
No, Dad is not home when the
No, Dad is not home when the kid comes and goes. He works an hour away, and I work 5 mins away and sometimes I work from home. We do not have a home office, my desk is our bedroom. This is the ONLY time I have home alone. All I ask is an hour before and after work every other week. I have a stressful job, and I don't care for the laziness that is tolerated by dad during kid week. I need my time to decompress.
Yeah...this is always a
Yeah...this is always a sticky situation. Having no kids of my own, it's felt especially intrusive when skids come over during non-scheduled times. It's hard to hold that line, though, bc you feel like you're telling your SO he can't see his kids when he wants to.
I would at least hold firm on the idea that the kids shouldn't be there if their dad isn't home. It shouldn't be left to you to monitor your skids and lose all your alone time.
I would never deny them their
I would never deny them their father, but Dad is not here in the times I'm having issues with.
Yes, I accept there is going
Yes, I accept there is going to be concessions. He already pays 100% child support for 50% custody. Disneyland dad is the perfect description. Kids have chores and expectations at BM's and grandparents yet dad won't ask anything of them while they are here. He feels doing for them is some way of showing his love. Kids were 5 and 9 when we met so I was ok with all that back then. They are old enough to do more now, yet dad still pours their drink and brings the ranch dressing to the table because kids are too lazy to get up and get it when they realize they want it and everyone is sitting down. They are just now starting to take their own plate to the dishwasher after dinner.
ECHO is right. You can have
ECHO is right. You can have the iron-clad schedule and all the boundaries you want. Fact of the matter is, those are his kids and if ANYTHING happens to BM, unemployment, homelessness, death, sickness, guess what?? Those kids are going to be with you FT! It is happening to me right now! You just never know. Think about this before you tie the knot.
Also, as the kids get older, they may decide to live with their dad full time. It's happened to many people on this site. Think about it.
I would never deny the kids
I would never deny the kids their dad, but dad is not home during the times I'm speaking of. I don't mind the kid being here while I'm working out, but he comes and goes from the garage (with his bike) while I'm working out and sometimes it's when his mom is pulling up to pick him up. I never know when that is going to occur so basically I never know who is here or when. I am asking for a little privacy so I can complete a 30 minute workout without having that skanky ho in my face when dad is not here and it's not our week. If that makes me uncut for step parenting then that's what it is and I'll own that. I was raised to never show up at anyone's house unannounced, so I have a hard time with this and I'm reaching out to this group for a sanity check. Am I the only one who feels this way? I can talk to him, but it's difficult for him because it puts him in a position to keep everyone happy. He gets defensive and would have them 100% of the time every minute of the day if he could so he has no idea how I feel and just doesn't get why I don't feel the same. Perhaps if they weren't so lazy I would enjoy them a little more, but the 9 year old still has him tying her shoes. He's conditioning them to be needy, so then I have to take care of them when he's not here. If they were 5 I would have no problem with that but one of them is 13!!!
I was raised to never show up
I was raised to never show up at anyone's house unannounced, so I have a hard time with this and I'm reaching out to this group for a sanity check.
This isn't "anyone's house". This is Their house. That's why they and their father don't see a problem with it.
I have to say I disagree with
I have to say I disagree with the view that you don’t get a say or veto power. Relationships should be a partnership and this means you have an equal say as to what happens in your house.
The biological parent’s role in a blended family is to effectively balance the needs of their kids with their partner – not to always put one before the other. If they get the balance right then sometimes you (as the step-parent) will have to compromise and sometimes the bio parent and/or skids will be the ones to compromise.
If you do some reading on this site one of the biggest sources of friction in blended families is bio-parents always putting the needs of their kids or themselves before their partners. It causes huge resentment and usually ruins the relationship in the end.
If my DH had ever done that I would have walked but not once has he ever said to me my kids come first. In our relationship I get an equal say on everything to do with the skids and our household because we are a united team and DH would never force anything on me if I didn’t agree to it.
I also don’t think you need to apologise for wanting your space – that is what keeps you sane as a step-parent and your partner should respect that.
My skids are getting to the age where they will probably get house keys soon and DH and I have already discussed and agreed that we will have a very strict rule in our house that they are not allowed to ever come over during BM’s time.
Don’t accept always being second priority almost_step_mum as you deserve better than that! Set the boundaries now with your partner and if he won’t give you the respect you deserve then I would walk.
Sorry I accidentally chopped
Sorry I accidentally chopped off part of a sentence with regards to our rule. To clarify - our rule is that the skids can not come over during BM's time unannounced. If they pre-plan ahead of time to come over for a specific reason then that's fine but DH and I value our time together so there won't be regular drop-in's from the skids in BM's time for no reason.
I appreciate blunt Yes we
I appreciate blunt
Yes we own the house together, and we have lived together for four years at my condo before this. At our last home this didn't happen, but now that we are 1 mile from the grandparents the 13 year old just comes and goes whenever he wants. If he cleaned up after himself and there weren't surprise appearances by his mother when I first wake up or when I"m working out I wouldn't have a problem.
I agree with all above
I agree with all above ladies.....
set boundaries now, simply tell fiance, the week off from the kids, they will not come over as they please, CO stipulates the visitation and it will be according to that....
also say the alternative is, if he can not lay down the rules, then you think it's best to sell the house and go your separate ways.
I think the alternative is more in your corner, cause you got engaged to a guy with children, yet you do not want them around, I have bad news for you Hon, they will always be around, either you accept it and get over it, or you end it and move on. Things like privacy goes out the door as soon as there's children involved, does not matter if it's skids or bio's, bio's you can teach to respect your privacy... skids nope you are not allowed to teach them anything, you just have to clean after them and keep your mouth shut if you want to have piece in the home...
Sorry what's the cowbell
Sorry what's the cowbell reference?
Yes, she drops him off on her way to work and he's at our house all day when there is no school. During her week mind you and dad is not home. I work 9-5ish at the office and work from home as needed during month end. I work 5 mins from home and dad commutes 1 hour each way. I just want my hour before and after work every other week.
Who's back?
Who's back?
which one is it this
which one is it this time?
And, where can I get a score card???
Are these GUBM's or something
Are these GUBM's or something or just people who like to start crap.
both
both
Yeah but the dad isn't even
Yeah but the dad isn't even seeing the kid during this time. It's ONLY affecting the OP.
That's where you should start, OP. It's not fair for him to allow something that only affects you and your time....not his.
So you don't know any bio
So you don't know any bio parents who have clear boundaries that they require their kids to stick to? And you don't know any bio parents that also value their alone time with their partner?
I don't know any blended family where the skids are just dropping in unannounced during BM's time and that's considered acceptable behaviour.
I want to be fair. I hooked
I want to be fair. I hooked up with a guy with kids, so there are concessions. I get that and I'm ok with it. I just want his kids to do more for themselves and watching their dad do everything but wipe their ass all week makes me crazy. I pitch in to help him out, but then I'm enabling. I cherish the week they aren't here and need it to decompress and gear up for the next week they are here. If BM died and we had full custody we would have to come to an understanding as to what the rules are and there would be no more excuses of over compensating for the guilt of divorce.
Instead of demanding that
Instead of demanding that kids only come over during his scheduled time, why not compromise and say they can only come on off weeks if dad is home.
You had to know this would be an issue when you decided to purchase a home that close to grandma. There's no way the kids are going to visit grandma and not hop over to dad's house as well.
If you can stomach it at all
If you can stomach it at all OP, this is decent advice. However go read Sue's longer post above and really question whether this is the right situation for you.
A parent is going to want their children to feel like they can come into their home any time they want. Let me make this clear. Your SO sees your home as his children's home. He won't allow you to block the children from their own home.
If the children are young enough that they need supervision then you can insist that they only be there when he can watch them. If they are old enough to care for themselves... then I don't see how you can object.
However, you are well within your rights to tell them that an area is off limits (like your bathroom or room).. or post a note on the door that you are working out and to not bother you.
This is spot on. They're his
This is spot on.
They're his kids, he is going to want them to come and go as they please and that's natural. I still drop by my mom's house to see her, and my stepdad doesn't mind (as far as I know... he's the one who laughs at me for still knocking on the door instead of coming right in lol)
I have my stepdaughter full-time, and guess what? That could happen to ANY stepparent in a heartbeat. When you're full-time, you don't get the benefits of kid-free weeks to rely on. You just live with it. And you set boundaries for yourself, of course.
My bedroom is off-limits; she cannot come in under any circumstances UNLESS she is invited by one of us. She isn't often invited in though! If I'm doing something and don't want to be bothered, I tell my husband and he makes sure she knows to stay out of XYZ area because sunshinex is busy.
I would think part of the
I would think part of the 13yr old teens before and after-school appearance has something to do with his age. He's too old for daycare. You say the grandparents are daycare providers. If you mean as in GMA runs a licensed daycare for other children out of her home, this child has aged out.
Your SO and BM may have to look for other arrangements for before and after-school, but selections other than private sitter may be hard to find if the teen is needing only 7-8am and perhaps 3:30-5pm. Do I assume you work out of your home or that your employment is something like 8am-3pm? You don't mention during the hours the child would be off for the summer during the day as a problem, just the before 8am and after 3pm and indicate he may be there alone during those main hours (the dishes).
Your SO and you just purchased this house together about six months ago? My question , I guess, is why? From your profile "47 year old female, no kids of my own, but one amazing rescue dog. Engaged, but won't commit to a wedding date until the kids are off the payroll. Nine more years and counting..... Been down this road before. Was married with 2 step kids and the kids were the main reason for the divorce. Don't want to get married until I know for sure I can survive getting the kids out of the house"....I'm curious since you refuse to consider marriage to this man for at least another nine years due to uncertainty, why you hurried and invested in a house together under the same uncertainty. It's a pretty big investment. I'd also think you would have selected a house with plenty of room for you to do your physical routine in the home (basement, familyroom?)
Anyway, it sounds as if your SO disagrees with you on the teen being there before 8am and after 3pm regardless of if it's your desire or not. All members here can tell you about standing up for yourself, setting boundaries and reminding SO you help pay the bills...but if he's not having that argument and reasoning, nothing any of us here can say to make him see your side and relent.
My kids used to just drop by
My kids used to just drop by randomly to come get something when they were supposed to be with their dad...and he used to drive them.....
I have made it abundantly clear to my kids that if they are to come by when they're supposed to be at their dad's, they MUST call ahead and check in if it's a good time. Being younger, that really didn't work.
I had to tell their dad to stop invading my privacy - that HE needed to tell them too bad so sad they have to wait until x day to get their whatever.
I don't want my kids to feel unwelcome - however if I expect to be home alone, I will fully take advantage of that.
The kids check in now - and it's about respecting that my life continues when they are away, that I may have guests, might be out, might be nekkid in the living room...and that they can't just barge in expecting me to drop everything just because omg, they're heeeeeere
Yeah exactly and what I don't
Yeah exactly and what I don't get is why the kid is staying at OP's house all day long and BM isn't taking care of the kid when it's her visitation. I think that is one of the main issues here.
I love your approach and
I love your approach and would love it if Dad saw it the same way. Dad feels like it's their house 100% of the time and they should be able to come and go regardless of what the MSA says.
I would also prefer BM drops off and picks up at grandpa's house during HER week. I didn't agree to have skanky ho at my door every day. Feels like an invasion of my privacy. She's not the sharpest tool in the shed and couldn't be more self centered so telling her to have some respect would result in her telling the kids they can't come because I don't want them here.
Trust me I know how you feel
Trust me I know how you feel but some of the other seasonal posters do have a good point about that you have to expect that parenting a child doesn't stop however, I feel that BM is taking advantage of the situation to the fullest and of course it makes you look like the bad guy because then your fiancé thinks that you don't want his kids around. My DH accused me of not wanting his kids around recently because a last Thursday night was the last night before I would get to spend alone time with him plus it was my birthday and wedding anniversary however BM wanted DH to take the kids because he always picks them up every Thursday night however the CO states that DH only had to pick them up on Thursday night during the school and last Thursday the kids were out of school during the summer so I got accused of not wanting his kids around. It was really dumb.
I love my approach too. I
I love my approach too. I wouldn't just barge into my mother's home. Just because she's my mother doesn't mean I have the right to use her things as if they were mine.
I typically live by the philosophy that if you wouldn't speak to someone you respect a certain way (your doctor, boss, lawyer, friend) then you shouldn't talk to someone you love that way.
I wouldn't barge into my friend's house and demand money... what the hell gives me the right to do that to my mother? My ex? Whoever else?
I fully expect that my kids realize that yes, I'm their mother... I'm not their slave to toy with. I am first and foremost my own independent woman - I take care of myself, so I can care for others... but when the kids are on their own, I won't have the need for such a large house etc... and will no loge have to maintain a life of supporting 3 extra people... I will have the money to treat myself, and the money to treat them should I choose to do so. It's MY house, not OUR house - they live with me... they don't co-own with me.
It's about respect. You can be welcome anytime without being a freeloader.
When the Things were with
When the Things were with Asshat on his week, I wouldn't let them just come on over unannounced. It's called privacy and respect.
From a very early age, my kids were taught that if you go to Dad's and forget something, you won't see it again until you get back to the place where that thing lives...it taught them responsibility and accountability.
as they got older, I would get a call or a text saying "is it okay if I stop by? I need XYZ."
sometimes it was okay, other times it wasn't.
Exactly. It has nothing to do
Exactly. It has nothing to do with the love I have for them.
Yep. This. It's actually not
Yep. This.
It's actually not his kids house. His name isn't on the deed or mortgage. It's your house with your Fiancé...and you are graciously allowing the kid to be there, under certain circumstances, rent-free. You pay the mortgage and maintain the home.
In my intact home, my parents made it clear early and often that the home was theirs...and I was there at their pleasure and had no "rights" to the property to speak of...other than the right to pick up after myself and treat it with respect.
Lol. My OWN parents would kick me out of the house for an afternoon when I was older or tell me I had to play outside for X number of hours so they could have alone time and get stuff done....like a "don't come back until lunchtime" kind of thing. It's one of the best things they ever did for me. And, when it was just my mom home with us, she never felt the need to ask my dad's permission about the rules and boundaries she was establishing with the kids/her time.
You are perfectly within bounds to set up similar boundaries for your home...as the adult in charge. That fact doesn't change just because the kids aren't yours. You are still the adult in charge.
I think a big part of the
I think a big part of the problem in blended families is mismatched expectations. I think you would be hard pressed to find a step-parent that really enjoys or actualy wants to spend time with their skids - most of us view it as a chore that you just have to get through. So any additional time spent with the skids above normal schedule is extremely unpalatable.
However, this reality is obviously very upsetting for bio-parents and many really struggle to understand how anyone can't love their kids like they do.
These mismatched expectations cause lots of friction if you can't work through them. My DH and I both started with the same naïve expectations - ie that we would form a happy little blended family with ease. I stupidly thought because I loved him so much that I would also fall in love with his kids.
Then reality hit and I spent around 2-3 years depressed when I realised that instead of loving these kids, I hated and resented them for how hard they made my life.
We ended up going to counselling and working through our expectations and it really helped. I learned to stop putting pressure on myself to make everything perfect and instead just accepted that whatever will be will be.
I never miss my skids when they are at BM’s and I count the time to the end of each visit and that is never going to change. I can enjoy the company of my SS10 and he's a cute kid but I don't know if I love him or ever will. However, I absolutely can’t stand SD12 and don't see that changing.
DH understands and accepts how I feel. He doesn’t like it but he understands it’s just the way it is.
.
Wow. This is awesome wisdom
Wow. This is awesome wisdom here. I never thought about it in terms of how you described but you are right on so many accounts. My kids are raised and out in the world. I had my kids young with my ex. My ex had two older daughters and I still keep in touch with them and consider them mine, but that situation was much much different- their BM had cancer and she and I always got along well, and we focused on being good parents, not at eachother or trying to win over kids etc. She ended up passing away and thankfully her girls always accepted me from day one, it was an extremely painful situation to watch and very hard to cope myself but out of that I realized just how much I loved these girls despite the rockiness of it all. My situation now can be best described as a nightmare on wheels. DH (he's not dear right now, he's more like damn you) doesn't parent at all. SD didn't accept me, SS has from day 1. I view our weeks as a chore, it makes me sad. I have tried everything, I am new to this support forum and have considered disengaging just because I really do not believe that my DH or his kids know just how much I do for them. I have given up alot of myself over the 9 years we've been together and I have sacraficed alot. Chore is how I feel alrigiht and DH just doesn't understand how I can't love his SD. Because her behavior is so terrible and because she doesn't do anything that isn't about her, I find her very ugly which makes me very sad. At 13 she has turned into this nightmare that demands her own way, demands respect, lies, cheats and decieves me and my DH. DH is the over the top guilty dad with guilty dad syndrome- its' been 11 years since he and his ex divorced. When I have just decided to let go and do absolutely nothing he gets upset with me- I even once told him, "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and walked out the door without so much as saying a word. He still didn't get it and still doesn't. I often feel like I am in a world I can't control.
I don't think I would address
I don't think I would address it with your SO at all. He is not at home so it is your call as to whether you want to deal with skids or not. Next time The SS comes over when it is not your SO's week and he isn't home just tell SS "This is not a good time, how about you come back when your dad is here".
And keep doing that until the kid gets the picture.
On the one hand I don't think
On the one hand I don't think that it is reasonable to ask a kid to not hang out at their own home.
On the other... I also completely understand how a SParent would like for the Skids to stick to the Custody/Visitation schedule so that the SParent and their spouse can have that time to focus on their own relationship, friends, and family. I agree that this situation you are in is no different than the one before you moved. Inform BF that the old situation will continue. Change the locks. Don't give the teen a key until he demonstrates that he clearly understands the boundaries.
Our version of this is a bit different than yours since my DW was the CP in our blended family situation. It took my bride a number of years to get past the guilt of doing stuff when SS was away on SpermLand visitation. We would forego a lot of time with friends and family as well as vacations because of her guilt of doing anything fun without the kid.
Then I got to my limit on that crap and told her that I would no longer forego time with friends or my family because of SS's visitation schedule and she could either participate with me or stay not... but I was not going to skip out on anything else for the remaining 10-ish years of the CO.
It was a bit of a struggle for her for the next couple of years but.... it worked out just fine. If we did something that we thought the SKid would love... we would work it into a later trip when he was home.
I am dealing with something
I am dealing with something similar right now as well. I have two children of my own, D14 and S16. My husband has a D13. The Bio Mom doesn't work, by choice. No income only support and what she get from her parents. I honestly do not know how she manages living on support alone. Never the less, she stays for weeks on end at her parents camp and expects us to keep the D13. We work, she is there alone some times because we both work to provide a decent life for our children. My husband doesn't say no to her when she is too lazy to drive back from her life vacation to have her custodial time with their daughter. I get that it is like he is saying to having his daughter, but all the same he pays 100% support for more than 50% custodial time and all of the extras (braces etc.) ... what he doesn't understand is that he is not home. He works the Wednesday thru weekends and leaves me there to free baby sit and entertain her. I love my alone time. I love even more when I have my kids to myself. I understand your struggle. You want your freedom when it is your time to have it. I understand you love your fiancé and adore your step children. I understand you are completely taken advantaged of and overlooked. I understand and I am sorry. Stand your ground now, for it only gets much worse as time goes on.