Double post

If you put a cake in the oven at 499 degrees farenheit for an hour it will burn. If you keep doing this it will keep burning UNTIL you change the temperature and shorten the time. If you keep doing the same thing over and over, the result will always be the same.

If your DH continues to reward their bad behaviour, continues to allow his daughter to treat you as if you do not exist, to make stupid accusations against you and not tell her to grow up (problems or not), if he allows them to leave this filth in your home, and as a result of them doing this, he supplies iphones, guitars, food, gas, electriciy, air con in the summer and heating in the winter and a roof over their heads all year round, why would they change. What makes you think you can ride this out. If DH does not change the way he parents them, if he does not start having some expectations of them, if he does not DEMAND respect from them for his wife, then they have no reason to change do they. They act as they please and he allows it.

Sorry, your DH is your biggest problem. Stop trying to sort out how to handle this horrible situation with the stepkids and start worrying about how to start getting some respect from your husband. It is his job to make damn sure that his children treat his wife and his home with respect. If your husband continues to allow his children to disrespect you and your home......you cannot ride this out, because you will be riding it till the end of your days. It will not change unless DH changes it.

If you expect these kids to start acting like normal people then someone had damn well start treating them like normal people. This starts with you, if your husband refuses to make his children treat you with respect then you had better demand it for yourself.

You can tell him, they shape up or he and they can ship out. this situation cannot continue. OR, you can tell him you will not continue living in this filth with his undisciplined children and his complete lack of parenting skills until the both of you get professional help and learn how to change it. But you are going to have to tell him something, because while he is the only one who can change it, YOU are going to have to be the first one to demand the change.

Of course it is OK for you to feel like you don't want these kids in your life. They aren't yours, and you didn't raise them, and don't have a maternal bond with them.

Supporting a husband in being involved with kids and regular visitation is very different from having them all the time. This is not what you signed up for.

However, the problem is not the kids- they are a product of how they were raised. It is up to their parents to set boundaries and limitations on them. Don't blame them for their father not establishing appropriate rules in his and your home.

You need to sit down with your husband, and tell him this is an unhealthy situation for you, and that household rules need to be established for everyone who lives in the house, including you and him, regarding respect, privacy, assisting in care of the home (chores), and mealtimes. Then HE needs to have a conversation with his kids, and tell them the house rules, and HE needs to reinforce them.

I think one of the things that so many of the step-parents on here find frustrating is that their spouse puts them in an impossible position. Many of the parents have thrust their spouse into a position of being the primary caregiver and disciplinarian. Discipline is teaching. The kind of discipline teens need requires a foundation of a trusting relationship. When discipline is unpleasant, which sometimes is the case, the person receiving the discipline must trust the parent figure to know that s/he has his best interest at heart. That trust is established over years of raising the child, and can't be created overnight. The situations on here are less than ideal, and even the bio parent has often not been given opportunity to truly raise the child into a trusting relationship, but the parent is certainly closer to a trusting relationship with the child than the spouse who newly entered the situation.

Their Dad needs to step in and start teaching them and expecting them to live according to HIS values.

Then set some boundaries of your own. Some reasonable things would be-
- When I cook, I would like for the other members of the family to help clean up. If this does not happen, I will not clean up, and I will not cook again until the kitchen is clean. (I have this rule in my house- and I'm not dealing with step kids or anything.... just normal teens who can sometimes be self-centered.) The key is stand by whatever you say. If the kitchen isn't clean, go out to eat. (Always be sure there is PB&J and bread in the house so you can't be accused of not providing them with food.)

- I will speak to you with respect, and I expect you to speak to me with respect. Completely ignore anything disrespectful, and then when they need something from you, continue to ignore. "Oh, I didn't know you were talking to me.... how are you gonna disrespect me earlier and then come asking me for ___. I need an apology first."

- I only do my laundry.

Also, I would suggest that you insist that your DH and you have one weekend a month away, just the two of you.

You need that time to refresh and nurture your relationship.

He needs to figure out how to arrange for them to have proper supervision, monthly, or even every six weeks or so... for you to have a break, and to have time alone with him.

Do these kids have friends? Maybe you can arrange to have both of them have a sleepover at a friends house occasionally so you can have your home to yourself, and enjoy a quiet evening.

And I don't know about your faith, but if you don't have any strong opposition to religious exposure, a good youth ministry program might be beneficial to the teens, and to your marriage. Youth ministries often have scheduled activities that are social in nature, usually have volunteers who are equipped to help and be there for kids who have emotional issues, are generally a place of acceptance for teens. If you can find a good one in your area to get his kids plugged into, they might find some wholesome, enjoyable activities, might have some events planned that would give you a break, even might find some summer camps or summer mission trips the teens are interested in, and that would be good for them (they generally have to follow some rules, and are willing because they enjoy whatever), and you get the benefit of breaks when they go away for weekends or weeks.....

Don't let this impact your emotional and spiritual health!

Keep sharing on this site. We will encourage you and support you!

Don't be hard on yourself. You didn't create this situation.

Hugs!