I NEED Help
I am a 42 year old man who has been a step father for almost 16 years. I was never involved with children before and made some mistakes along the way. I tend to blow a major gasket at anything that I feel is over the top behavior. I am not normally a calm person, I am actually pretty high strung. Now that you know some background on me let's move onto my problem(s).
My 15 year old step daughter is going down a bad road and I can't get her BM, who is my wife, to see what is right in front of her eyes. I have kept my SD pretty sheltered because of all the bad things she can get involved with, so of course she started rebelling. Once she started to rebel my wife decided she would take over her child rearing, not listen to my opinion and do what she wants with her daughter. She allows her to have sex, hang out with kids that smoke, drink, have sex and do drugs. When I say anything about this being wrong her response is let's see what kind of friends she makes at school this year and maybe she will stop hanging out with them. She will not pull the child from these bad kids because she would rather her daughter hang out with them then nobody. I feel the opposite and we are fighting constantly. My wife even makes sure that she hides things from me when it comes to things her daughter does that she knows I will be against. Can anyone help me to work this situation out? I really do love my wife but I am at the end of my rope.
Thanks in Advance,
Ian
Its really simple.
In the U.S. we would say "Butt out".
You are powerless here. You've given it your best shot now wash your hands of it. As the step-parent you will receive no credit for how the kid turns out if its good nor any of the blame if its bad.
Billions of kids are raised in the world without help from you or me and turned out just fine. Or not. Either way there is nothing for you to do and the sooner you get out of it the better for all concerned.
It might be actually better for the kid. There is nothing left for her to rebel against. In fact you might be the problem.
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There's an exception to everything I say.
It's Hard to Butt Out
It is hard to butt out when you care about someone and you see that person going down a road that will hurt them. You are probably right but the only way I can't say anything or be bothered by what she is doing is to leave and I really don't want to do that, but at the same time I can't be on the sidelines watching her screw up.
Yes you can.
She is your wifes kid. She told you she's taking over parenting. To put it bluntly she already told you to butt out.
Listen you can have a ruined kid AND a ruined marriage.
Or you can have a ruined kid.
Is there really a choice there?
You absolutely support your wife in her decisions and don't make any decisions, comments or corrections yourself. This kid is her job and good or bad she'll get all the credit.
You are powerless here. Accept that.
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There's an exception to everything I say.
Ian, I agree it is hard to
Ian, I agree it is hard to step out of someone's life, someone who you do care about. What striked me in your post it was your DW's attitude toward bringing up a healthy happy child and a good citizen. Mother who would encourage her 15 yo to have sex or hang out with drug addicts? very very strange. What type of personality does your wife has? What's her life values? What your family style looks like? What do you guys to do together as a family? What is you relationship with you wife like? Can you talk with trust and discuss issues?
You know the saying an apple don't fall far from the tree, is that the case? are you in the right relationship?
What is your relationship with the girl looks like? Can you talk to her, does she trust you?
WHY does she choose friends like that? Is her self esteem low? Is she feeling loved and appreciated at home, or unwanted and unloved therefore she seeks the surrogate outside?