Husband trying to "outdo" BM in being FUN
My husband has no concept of the long-term consequences of his crappy parenting decisions. So fed up.
SD15 is FAILING algebra. She deliberately did not give husband her report vstf because of that. He finally caught on when the next one came out, probably because the school calls to say report cards were released and SD wasn't able to intercept the call.
Then, just one week later SD got a three-day in-school suspension for harassing another student with text messages during school time.
So, what is his response to this behavior? Take SD to get her driver's permit. Why? Because "I probably won't get to teach her to drive." Insert sad pout here. SD will be moving to BM's when school year is out. Husband takes off work Friday, despite the fact he works at a tax company (busy season) and can't take off to take BD4 to a dentist appointment.
Then, Sunday night, husband goes to pick up SD from BM. He should be back by 7:30. Comes rolling in at almost 8. Didn't bother to call. When I complained he said he let SD drive home. Hello?! Did that deactivate your cell phone? And what happened to driving around a parking lot or something? The kid just turned 15 less than a month ago and just got her permit two days ago and husband sees fit to let her endanger his life and the lives of others on major highways?
Sometimes I am just baffled.
Did dh have custody
of sd before you married or did he get it afterwards. I am just curious, because obviously he has no clue how to raise her to be a descent human being. I feel so bad for you & your two girls. I think it will be a blessing when SD goes to live with BM.
Long story short
Husband and BM divorced when SD was 2. Before that, husband injured back and was off work when SD was small. He watched her while BM worked. Because of that, he thinks he has some "special" bond with her.
After divorce custody was 50/50. Weird arrangement of alternating days/weeks so that basically SD didn't go more than three days without seeing either parent. Husband and I met when SD was 5, married when she was 8. Husband changed custody to one week with us, one week with BM. When SD was 11, BM moved an hour away and we ended up with custody.
We have had SD for four years with NO CS. BM sees her most weekends during school year, and we see her every other weekend in the summer.
No excuse for why he can't parent except that he wants to be the FUN one. He and BM always let SD pick who she was with. So, if she was with BM and got mad at BM she said, "I want to go to my dad's house." And dad would come get her. With dad, he would try to make her happy so she wouldn't ask to go to BM's house.
I just get SO fed up because we have two BMs who I DO NOT want turning out like SD. Nasty attitude, total entitlement syndrome. Problem is, he and BM made her that way. Even MIL says husband has "ruined" SD.
I just don't get it
It would be one thing if SD was a joy to be around. But she is not. They fight EVERY night. Yet he still goes out of his way to accommodate her. Sunday night he let SD drive home (see above), and when he told her to wash the dishes she refused and spent the rest of the night in her room (voluntarily, not grounded). Monday night he took her to the dentist and I could hear them yelling in the garage when they came home. He said something very mild about her attitude ("That attitude of yours...") and again she pouted up to her room.
I'm sorry, I realize being a teenage girl can be an emotional storm some of the time, but every night?! And, it seems, the worse she acts, the more he tries to appease her. He's whipped by the SD!
teenage girls
I dread to have a daughter and dealing with her moods etc. I was terrible as a teenager. You might just have to grit your teeth and bear it for now. I will pass trust me and when she later looks back on herself she will will say was I really that bad.
Unless she got it in her head you hate her so much etc and demanded to get her revenge or cause trouble. You dh needs to stand up to her.
Revisiting based on current situation
Now it is the BM trying to be fun. No wonder this kid is so screwed up!
Last night husband informed me SD wasn't at home. (We have custody, BM has weekend visitations.) I guess SD had some activity Friday at BM's church and SD asked if BM could pick her up Thursday evening. Problem is, SD has school Friday and is failing at least one subject.
Husband of course didn't say no, so BM has SD now. If you were the BM (and I know many of you are), would you let a child who is failing a grade because she doesn't do the homework (teacher's words) and who just got done with a three-day in-school suspension skip school for an optional activity?
I have your schedule but I
I have your schedule but I am the bio. I have a son (14). He brought home a bad report card. Specifically for not doing/turning in homework. I met with his teachers. My son now has to bring me a letter every week that says he has turned in all his schoolwork. If he doesn't he is on restriction. He was on total restriction until the midterm reports. He had all As and Bs, so now he only gets restriction when I don't get the letter... which hasn't happened since and report cards should be coming home on Monday. If son were to get a behavior related repremand, I would punish him. I do not punish by withholding church.... any kid who is misbehaving needs church. But I do not allow him to miss school. The last weekend of this month we have a snow make up day on a Saturday. I personally do not agree with it and son knows that, but he will be going. It is 1/2 day so he will not miss much dad time. The thing is, this is about respoinsibility, not about what he "wants" to do. I work twice as hard to teach responsibility b/c his dad does not exhibit any responsibility. Son can be a snot. I think that all teenagers can... I know I was. But he will come back and apologize. I do not tolerate disrespect, but i do realize that kids, like adults, have bad days.
Your DH needs to balance responsiblity with freedom. What some people don't realize is that these kids will one day be adults... what kind of adult does he want his child to be?
No
I wouldn't my lo is only 1 but if he was that no I wouldn't.
That's why he was unsure about custody
When BM moved an hour away and something had to give, my husband was on the fence about whether he wanted to be the custodial parent. He felt that would give him the short end of the stick because it wouldn't allow him to be the fun weekend parent, which was his preference.
Our friend told him he needed to decide whether he wanted to be SD's father or not. A father has to do the "unfun" things, like making sure kids do their homework and chores. Not just take them to dinner and the movies and the park.