Husband blames me for SS leaving
After DH and SS argued about homework, SS decided at 13 that he would rather live with his BM. BM supported him and we didn't see or hear from him for a few years. Now he and dad are working on repairing their relationship and SS is opening up about why he was so unhappy. Long story short, he felt abandoned when his dad left to work in another state (prior to meeting me), then when he returned from out of state work, SS thought things would go back to the way they were before, but that was when dad met me. Not great timing I guess. Anyways, we tried to make it work for about 3 years before SS decided he just wanted to live with his BM. Fast-forward almost 4 years....Tonight my husband and I got into an argument about my now teenage BS and he said "if I hadn't listened to you I would still have my son". I had always suspected that he blamed me, but this is the first time he has voiced it. The argument over homework with SS that was apparently the last straw was me insisting that school was important and that 22 missing assignments was unacceptable and DH needed to hold SS accountable. I work at a school, so it was hard to see SS falling so far behind. So I guess in a way it is my fault that he doesn't have this son anymore...I don't know. I guess I am just looking for some outside perspective on the situation. How do I deal with DH faulting me for his son's absence?
Welcome to the site!
It would serve your DH very well to blame you for SS leaving, wouldn't it? Whereas the truth is that SS felt abandoned when his father went to work in another state long before you were on the scene. If DH was really serious about allowing nothing to interfere with his relationship with SS, he wouldn't have allowed work to remove him from the area, and maybe not even embarked on a new relationship the minute he got back. But your self serving DH is saying that his son left because of an argument over some homework between you and SS? Give me a break - what a load of nonsense. Have you heard of gaslighting? because what your DH is trying to do here, approaches that.
Yep. In addition to the
Yep. In addition to the comments above, also brace yourself for the standard lines of "you've always hated my son" or "you always feel like you've got to control my relationship with my son" when all you insisted on was for your DH to step up and be a parent. Get your answers prepared and don't be blindsided by any guilt trips he heaps on you to excuse his shitty parenting.
IT's actually quite simple
IT's actually quite simple really. Your DuH didn't lose his son, he let him go. If he'd been even a half decent parent, he'd have told him that at 13 he didn't get to decide who he lives with and that , for the time being, he was under his roof and staying there until the end of his visitation. End of story.
Your H is upset because he
Your H is upset because he doesn't get to share the guilt in this. His son has told him that the issue is your H (leaving for work, then coming back and dating you) before reconnecting with his son. Sure, SS may also claim that the homework incident is what pushed him over the edge, but you're not wrong in thinking that 22 missing assignments is an issue.
You need to make it clear to your H that you're not taking the fall for this. Unless you told H "SS has to make up all these assignments or he has to move in with BM until he's grown", your H is the one who failed his son. If I had to guess, the failure comes from not listening to him in the first place (since SS told him the issue and H did a hard turn away from that truth). Though, if he doesn't listen to SS, I'm not sure he will listen to you, either.
Stick to the facts.
Stick to the facts.
22 missing assignments.
DH started to parent then his cowardice started to show.
DH failed to stand up for his right to his son and let a 13yo and his X lead him around by his nonexistent balls.
Lather, rinse, repeat any time DH starts whining.
This is not your fault. It is entirely on the shoulders of your coward husband.
smh
How do I deal with DH
How do I deal with DH faulting me for his son's absence?
Refuse to be his scapegoat.
he felt abandoned when his dad left to work in another state (prior to meeting me),
After DH and SS argued about homework, SS decided at 13 that he would rather live with his BM. BM supported him and we didn't see or hear from him for a few years.
How is any of the above your fault? Why did he allow his son to move in with BM over homework? Why did he not see him for a few years after that?
Any decent parent would be on their kid about school work.
Thank you - refuse to be the
Thank you - refuse to be the scapegoat. That is what I needed. You're right, none of it is my fault. His choices, are his choices. We talked today and he admitted that.
As far as why he allowed SS to leave - he didn't. Dad had given him the ultimatum of getting an assignment done or he would sit next to him in class the next day. Guess which one SS chose. after school he walked to BM's house and claimed that his dad was being emotionally abusive because he showed up at his school and embarassed him in front of his friends. BM took SS's side and said he didn't have to go with dad. Police were called out to enforce custody ordered, but the officer said "13 is the magic age. If he wants to stay with mom, we can't force him to go with you". Dad tried for years to call and text but SS ignored him until recently.
And if DH had been a proper
And if DH had been a proper dad at ages 7, 8, 9, 10 etc before magic 13 and instilled a proper work ethic in his son then there was no way he’d be missing so many assignments at 13. Again, that’s not on you. You just had the misfortune to arrive just as the last straw was loaded onto the camel’s back.
Honey, whenever someone says
Honey, whenever someone says something like this, "If I hadn't listened to you I would still have my son," that's when you say, "Dear, don't let me stop you. I'll contact a divorce attorney tomorrow and you can be with your son all you want."