I am a Stepmum and I wouldn't do any of those things. Sometimes you do have to take a step back and look at your side also. I am on the other side of the world on a computer and don't know you or your stepmum so it's a little hard to gage from here who is doing what. I am 33 and I have 2 children of my own One nearly 15 and an 11 year old Stepson.

Make sure some of the things going on are all her. Like do you second guess her decisions with your dad? If she tells you to do something, do you do it or do you go running to dad to change the decision? It is her house and even though she is the Stepmum, if you guys are in her house you gotta follow her rules. Like the cleaning thing...As I said that could all mean nothing to you because you and your sister don't do those things and thats all good, just wanted to make sure we cover both sides here.

Now about her...If she really is just an evil woman out to make yours and your sisters life hell, no matter what you say to your dad he is not going to see what she is really like, love does that to you. When I was about 13 my dad married a woman I hated and she did all those sneakiy crappy things to us and I wished she would go away because she was wrecking my dad, truth be known she was wrecking mostly how easy I had it over dad before she came along. But still she did do crappy things and favour her kids over me and my brother.

My dad broke up with her 3 years ago and only then did I get to say "hey by the way dad SM treated us like shit, why did you let her?" His response was that he couldn't see it at the time and wasn't able to stand up to her anyway. What the...? You know the more you try to make him see the more you will just push him away from you and your sister. Maybe you just need the visiting to come to a 'pause' for a while and perhaps in a calm and controlled way you could explain to your dad that she is different toward you when he isn't around and due to how uncomfortable she makes you, you won't be visiting as often.

If he ever sees, he will see by himself not with people ramming it down his throat, if you guys aren't there to do anything to "annoy" her you'll find she'll hang herself eventually trying to find things to gripe about you and your dad will see you done nothing wrong cause you weren't there. Call him often and let him know you love him and maybe you guys can catch up away from their house?

You are very young to let this weigh you down so much, sounds like you are lucky to have a loving mum there to support you. Just don't let this hatred eat you up as that is obviously what she is feeling to be so vindictive and you know the best revenge is your happiness, don't let her see you are upset or angry just smile and say "but yes of course SM, I will do that for you" Thankyou for pointing out my condoms in my room SM, I thought I was all out...LOL. Don't let it ruin the best years of your life, bad things happen to bad people so be a good person and enjoy your college years. Everyone has a day when thier lies and manipulations catch up to them. Good luck to you and your sister and I hope one thing I said helps you sleep tonight without laying awake worrying about someone who possibly loses little sleep over you.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Boy this sounds familiar. I was 4 when my mother married my first step father. He was also the nicest person you'd ever meet until after the marriage. The next 5 years were pure-t-hell. Things didn't get better until mom kicked him out & the only thing that upset me was that he took the dog.

Really, in your position there is nothing you can do except be honest with your dad... both you & your sister. You have to make sure your dad knows you love him but point out to him that she makes you miserable, that she tells you flat out lies saying that your parents don't love you & whatnot, & as long as she treats you & your sister with such disrespect you won't be coming around. And make sure he knows how much that hurts you too. It's not letting her win... it's making your dad see that something serious is going on here.

I had to do that with my mother. She has a tendancy to not see the bullshit that's right in front of her face too. She just found out about a month ago just how scared I was of my first step father. She also has a tendancy to always stick up for my current step dad. According to her, he can treat me any way he sees fit & I am the one who has to back down. Well I don't anymore. She also used to give me some sorry excuse that he was just being macho, that even though he treats me like he wouldn't condescend to piss on me if I were on fire he actually loves me like I was his real daughter. I told her - calmly & firmly - that it wasn't good enough. If he really loves me, he needs to act like it, or else I just won't believe it anymore. Things have gotten a lot better, though it's not perfect... but what is?

Hipi

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

All I have to ask you, for the 7 months that your father and stepmother were engaged... what was your contribution? What changed or didn't change since? Think about it.

I firmly agree with Catch22 on this one. You also play a role in this relationship. She obviously isn't your mother, but often, we stepmothers have a need to be accepted, or even honored just as equally as your mother... because we are the mother figure in your fathers home. And sometimes, the kids themselves, push us out of that possibility out of fear or loyalty toward their own mother- such as it 'taking away' from their mother. Could it be that you somewhere down the line, started to push her out of your life too? A lot of times, if you just simply quit fighting against the rift, and actually talk calmly with her, not at the moment of anger, but rationally and calmly, you might solve a lot of issues when you get a better understanding of each other. If you are confrontational with her, than it's simply just going to engage into a continual power struggle.

You have to remember that there are three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth. Somewhere in the middle, I think yes, I can see this happening, and then I also take a step back and try to view it through the other persons eyes. Essentially, you are a young man, and you too have a role in all of this. Perhaps your stepmom at one point tried harder than she needed to win your trust, yet at some point, perhaps she felt rejected? Now, she's just retaliating? Maybe she's trying to get your attention?

Let me ask you... think about this, why does she feel the need to 'clean your room'... is it because it's not clean? If so, perhaps that's giving her the excuse to rummage through your room. If you take that excuse away from her, than it would be pretty suspicious for her to 'need' to come into your room with it already cleaned, yes? Do you see where I'm going? I'm not saying that it's wrong or right, but think about ways to help alleviate the situation on your own. If you keep your room tidy on your own, would she feel cause to come into it? What would her excuse be then?

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Sounds like Little Red Riding Hood took off her costume and turned into the Big Bad Wolf. Do you think she was just pretending all of that time just to get your dad to marry her or has something happened that made her angry?

I thought I had problems with my stepmom who treated me bad as a child. She resented me so much and was so insecure and jealous. I am the only girl so she got it in for me. She wanted a girl I think to push me out but it aint happening. She has a son aswell who is 26 and I am 25 my two half-brothers are 18 and 6. She now says she don't want another baby but if she could she would now. In her defense she is like this because my father hides things from her and that he cheated on he with my mum and my mum got pregnant but sadly sister died at 2. After that she began a nasty vicious B**ch to me. When I was a child she would bath and i would say to her the water is too and she would say not its not I bath your little half-brother in this. Yeah right whatever she use to aske me so many questions about my father giving me and how much it was. She then said to me I should not hang round dad so much and etc. Very nasty woman however I forgave her life goes on. My dad moved out of london so would visit weekends and then one day I was in their bedroom and so was my little half-brother. Can't remember what happened but we ended up in fight. Oh yeah she threatened to hit me and I said go on then and she did. So my little half-brother heard her say she wanted to kill me etc. Then I wacked her over the head with a lamp which not proud of. So after I moved it when she was pregnant. It was rocky at first due to things that happened with I lived at mum. Then we did get on when my 2nd half-brother was born. We got so close and we use to go shopping do all sorts together. Then because i was working I started making friends and then went out clubbing and meeting guys. So I go pregnant and remember when I walked in and my dad called me in the lounge and said he got a call saying I was pregnant. It was this girl who I fell out with because we been out this evening celebrating her birthday and an ex was in the club things kicked off. Anyway this girl was being nasty rang the house and this time my step-mum said I just got a call saying you pregnant running down the stairs saying if its true I am stupid. So then I think to her delight my dad threw me out well there was not round for the baby aswell so had to go. So anyway I sadly had a stillbirth then she came to the hospital and she was a nightmare.oh yeah when my friend rang my dad she picked up the phone and she said can I speak to M my dad so she said whats it about. So she said she wanted to speak to my dad well she made it very clear that she had to be told before my dad whatever was up. She wanted to come in straight after I had given birth to my stillborn son. Well my dad came in and said that so I said she needs to wait as I am getting cleaned up. Then she went on about I don't need all these people here like my friends. I thought I don't need her here. Then she couldn't wait to get me on my own and my friends kept telling me as soon as a nurse out the room she wanted to come in but then another one would come in. She was so terrible just wanted to be so noisey. Then I must admit she helped dress the baby.
After this she changed back being a horrible. My friends mum died rang my dad and she was moaning about me being to the docs about something and because I didn't tell her. Another friend accidentially let it slip about this appointment with the doctor. So then I put the phone down on her. Also she tried to get information out my friend because I started seeing this guy and I kept it quiet and she heard me on the phone while visiting her and dad on the weekend. My friend had to lie to her and say me and this guy was friends. This was the last straw and didn't speak to her at all after that. I thought to myself you know what I've had enough. So I didn't really speak to her after that apart from when I visited my dads saying hi and that was it. After that I would just talk to my dad and half-brothers. Its been like this ever since. Abit better I talk to her but we not like we was before I call to talk to dad. She tries to find out information but I don't tell her a thing sometimes. She will come and visit me now because I have a 10 month old so I don't refer to her and nanny at all. I couldn't care how she feels because she has been a total B**ch all from when a child then I forgave not many people I had gone from hating her to liking her. Even at the age of 12 I went into a home has a breakdown due to problems at school and death of my grandad. To me at that time it was her I was having the most trouble with. I fliped out and lost the plot then when I came out after two weeks i lost all my confidence. What do I do? Now can't be bother tried and tried and can't do no more. Do you think she wants a baby with your dad. My dad would of married this woman regardless of my feelings. In the beginning I remember when they first got married apparently I said to her can I call her mum now I can't believe that.

meant to say bath was so hot and she said not it was not

I have no advice for your sister. She's still a child. She needs to talk to your dad, in my opinion. Not you, not your mother, but your dad.

You, being an adult, have the ability to go straight to your stepmother and talk to her one-on-one and that, I believe, is what you should do. Don't talk to your mother about it, because frankly, it's none of her business. The problems you're having with your father and his wife are between the three of you. Your mother has no role in this. Do her a favor and leave her out of it. If talking with your stepmother doesn't help, then talk to your father. Talk to them both together. Ask for a family meeting. These issues need to be confronted and dealt with for things to get better. BUT... you need to make sure that this conversation is not accusatory. You need to approach it with an attitude of concern and leave the blame and fault out of it. You also must be willing to accept your own share of the blame.

When you talk about putting your stepmother in her place I just cringe. How would you even know what her place IS in the family? You don't get to decide her place in the family. Your father and she get to decide that. And you don't get to "put her" in that place, either. You don't get to punish her for what you perceive is bad behavior and you don't get to treat her like a recalcitrant child. Like it or not, want it or not, she IS your father's wife. She is your father's equal. She does co-parent with him. And their marriage IS just as important a relationship to your father as is his relationship with you and your sister. She has the right to expect to have equal say in the home and in the family and she has the right to expect you and your sister to respect her boundaries. I have an antique pottery collection. Everyone in my family knows that nothing else goes in the cabinet where I have my special dishes stored. Is it possible that she felt HER space was being infringed upon? Is it possible that she felt SHE was being pushed aside? Always try to consider the other person's perspective. What have YOU and YOUR SISTER done as far as respecting her as a co-parent in the home? Have you accepted her as someone who DOES have the right to tell you what to do or have you rebelled against her?

I'm not defending your stepmother or any bad behavior she may be guilty of at all. I'm just suggesting that you don't compound the situation with bad behavior of your own. Two wrongs never make a right. It sounds to me like there are boundary issues. Your sister screams at your SM to never go in her room again, so SM leaves cleaning supplies outside the door. But you blast your SM for not being responsible? Honey, your stepmom IS NOT responsible for you or your sister. It's not HER job to clean your rooms, anyway. My biological son is not even ten yet and he is responsible for cleaning his own room, his own bathroom and he also helps out with the laundry. "Only 13?" Son, only 13 is plenty old enough for her to clean her own room and do her own laundry, especially after she tells SM not to do it. By the way, if ANYONE is responsible for cleaning up your messes, it's you and your sister. If you fail to do it, then it becomes your father's job. For your stepmom to step up and voluntarily do it is a gift she gives to your dad, your sister and yourself. And as for the snooping, hey, if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to fear. If she were to come into YOUR home and look around in your drawers, that would be one thing. But it's HER home, honey. Like it or not, she has a right to access every nook and cranny. Now, I believe everyone has a right to their own space and some privacy, but I also believe that if one of my kids is hiding unacceptable behavior, I have the right to find out.

I don't think your SM is trying to drive you and your sister away so she can have your dad all to herself. She already has him all to herself. They are MARRIED. They love each other. They are ONE UNIT. Kids grow up and start lives of their own. When our children are grown and gone, all we have left is our spouses. Of course your father and SM are going to protect that bond they have with each other. Their first duty is to each other. That's how it is when you get married. I'm not saying kids aren't important, but I am saying that a husband and wife have a unique relationship that has nothing to do with the kids or skids they have between them.

It takes two to tango. Whatever role your stepmom has in the way things have become in your family, you and your sister also have your own roles in the mess and so does your dad. I'm sure there is plenty of blame to go around. Before I went around pointing the finger, though, I would take a hard, honest look at myself to see if there's anything I could have done differently to make the situation better. Even if she is the epitome of the evil stepmother, she's still your dad's wife. You have the option of choosing not to have a relationship with her, if you don't want to, because you are an adult, but the adult thing to do, in my opinion, is to drop the attitude of putting her in her place and adopting an attitude of trying to work things out with her.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

What I meant was that this woman probably does not want them around so they can depend on him no more. Ofcourse she has their dad all to herself she is married. She probably just abit selfish in wanting him not to pay an active role in their lives and because tommy is 19 she feels he should not need his father so much. I do agree she should not have to clean his sisters bedroom. Nor should she feel free to invade both tommy and his sisters privacy. She got married and changed well maybe its because they live under the same roof. Everyone sees different side of a person. She saw something in tommy she didn't like and the same as the sister. He saw her for what she was and maybe she don't like that. All this being nice to him strike me as in the beginning seems weird and it was probably false.

I agree with you he should talk to his step-mum which is something he should do really.

You may not like your stepmother... and you have that right... you certainly do not have the right to disrespect her.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

she wants you to help cook, clean, etc. around the house, even if you are only there visiting? My SD says she doesn't want to interfere but whoever is in the house needs to participate in the food, clean up, etc. of the house. To sit around and expect to be waited on and cleaned up after at your ages could generate this resentment, for sure. 13 years old can do their own laundry, for her own good to know how, as well as carry her own weight in the housekeeping. Also at 19 you could get an apartment with your friends if you wanted.

Also do you try to engage your SM, tell her what food you like that she makes, say hello, goodbye I will be back at ___, please, thank you? It is the little things like that that help people get along when they live together, or work together or have any kind of relationship, it is respect for her role as your father's wife. Some say you have to earn respect but I say it is her right as a human being, regardless of disagreements between you.

I don't think she became evil after the marriage, I think it is all of you living together and she probably feels like she is doing the bulk of the work (which is true of most women). If that is completely off base, please feel free to disregard.

Most Evil

Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats

I agree with above....try to kill her with kindness and see what happens, just for fun.

I suggest a tape recorder or video camera strategically placed!!!! Get her in a room and let her go off. Do it right, you may only get this chance once, put it under a jacket on a dresser or something and ask her into your room. Show your dad in private if she gets ugly with you...make sure you don't bait here or set her up.

You dad would not want this to be this way. I am a dad who had a live in girlfriend who was not nice to my kids years ago, and it was very tough....for everyone...HANG IN THERE!!!

I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau

I DO see a BIG problem with some of this womans behavior towards you.

"The one thing that I will never forget is the one morning when I was making breakfast before school, and she came in and told me that I am not loved by my father or mom, how I am always giving off a negative vibe and nobody wants to be around me. She told me how my mom has been telling her how she is struggling with me as I am a burden on her life."

That is completely unacceptable for a grown woman to say to any child. Now I get that she may be peeved about cleaning your rooms, but honestly that is not her job. She is not doing you any favors by rubbing it in your face. If anything your dad should be responsible for making sure you guys clean up after yourselves. The whole thing about putting your sisters snacks next to the dog food is quite passive agressive if I do say so myself. She sounds like a troll of a step-mom.

However, it would not be well advised to accuse or attack her on her behavior. If you want to confront her, do so respectfully, and let her know how you FEEL about being told by her that your parents don't love you. What she said to you was abusive. Period.

Yeah, some step-moms get their panties all in a bunch because they have entitlement issues with their newfound role as stepmom, w/o giving so much as a thought to the valid feelings of their new stepkids. But it does go both ways doesn't it? The trick is to(and this is only if you want to work something out with her) respectfully sit down together as a family unit have and dicuss these issues, set some boundries and hopefully all can forgive and move on! Keep your nose clean and don't give her anything to use as ammo against you in the future!
You are an adult now. Try not to hold this grudge for too long. You are a brave soul venturing onto this forum full of stepmoms no doubt. Some can be highly critical aqnd judgemental of you when you are looking for a sympathetic ear though, from the looks of some of these responses! On the same token, a lot of the advice is sound, though delivered abrasively. Good luck with your situation, I hope it gets resolved!
"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha

I hope you will respond with your point of view about the replies to your post. I am curious to know what you think of the advice that has been put out there for you..

I can tell you from my point of view (a step-mother to be) that I want to be accepted by my fiance's kids and family. My goal is that the relationship I have with my fiance adds to the lives of his kids, not takes away from it. I would be willing to bet that your stepmom has some of those feelings too.

I can tell you that there are days when I feel like I am being expected to do EVERYTHING around the house. There are days when I hear my name called what seems like 5,000 times and all I want to do is scream. I don't think it was right for your step mom to tell you that your parents don't love you, BUT is there any truth to the negativity part of what she said? Sometimes when people are uncomfortable around each other they put off bad vibes without even realizing it. Is it possible that you had some resentments toward her and your dad for the way things changed in your house after they got married? I wonder if you had some expectations about how things would be that were unmet and that you just never said anything and let them build up? I know that happens to me sometimes and I have to work at not letting things build up.

As far as feeling like your dad and stepmom ganged up on you - I am sure it feels unfair and a little bit like betrayal for your dad to stick up for her. That is something that I worry about as a sort of stepmother. You really have to try hard to see the other side of it - the parents' side. Believe me, if your parents love you and care about you half as much as my fiance and I care about his kids they constantly worry and talk and think about how to best teach you to be a responsible, caring, contributing adult. There is no way that they can hope to do that unless they stick together to do what they think will teach you those lessons. I think that you, by 19, have probably had a relationship or two - think about how you would feel if your girlfriend or boyfriend didn't have your back, even if you weren't doing what was the best thing. It would feel horrible. I know how awful it can feel to know your spouse won't stick up for you. I can understand why your dad took her side, even if she was wrong. (sounds like she was,at least in some of the instances you mentioned)

As far as the house cleaning goes - I can agree with most of the other stepmothers on here that many times all the housework falls to the woman - whether she is the mother of all the kids or not. That can really suck sometimes. I choose to stay at home and make those tasks my "job", but even then it feels SO GREAT when the kids help out with chores above and beyond their normal chores. It makes me feel loved and appreciated to know that they care enough about me and our house to want to help out. It's so hard to cheerfully do all the housework when no one says thank you. I have stepped back and not helped out as much when I am feeling unappreciated. I bet that along the way your stepmom has felt that too.

Hopefully you can appreciate the stepmother side of things that the ladies here have tried to explain. Being hardheaded myself, I can see how some of their comments might sting or make you feel like they don't understand. If you feel that way, try to imagine where they are coming from and then re-read with an open mind. It's really hard for me to realize that I have contributed to problems that come up and it might be hard for you to think that you have had any part in the problems with your stepmom. If that is happening take a step back and pretend that a stranger wrote in here and what you might think if you were hearing about all this from someone else. It might help you see how you can help make things better. I hope you do. I hope that you can talk to your stepmom HUMBLY and really try to get to the bottom of it. If she cares about you even a little (which I bet she does- even if it is just a tiny bit) she can be a great asset to you in your life. She can give you a perspective about your family that no one else can. Good luck to you and your family.

Please let us know how things turn out.