Hitting a wall
The anniversary of the pandemic and all that has transpired in the past year is hitting me like a tonne of bricks. I am taking a few weeks off work as an in-person health care provider to find my ground and calm my nervous system. I can't stop crying. One of the biggest stressors in the past year has been my 14yo SD. She and I were ok before lockdowns started and schools were closed. We were still a relatively new family unit, only living together for 1.5 years before the pandemic hit, and going through what felt like normal ups and downs of blended familys and teenagehood. There were definitely red flags that she was going to be a handful as a teenager but nothing could have prepared me for this. Today, she is the most miserable and disagreeable person I have ever met and a good partion of her angst is directed at me. Disengagement has been everything. We will go days of her being with us without me even seeing her as she barely leaves her room. I am really busy at work so that is a good distraction and place to focus my energy but honestly im so burnt out and then i come home and have to listen to her tantrums and moderate my behaviours because of her bad behaviours and even though I mostly don't see or deal with her, when I do it is me needing to assert my boundaries in some way. Coming from a family where there was lots of fighting, I have a very low tolerance for conflict. So when I have to assert myself to protect myself and my home and my belongings from her disrespect, it fires up the fight or flight response. And this year...with everything else...it's just so much. I am at a breaking point.
There are several graces. One being that with the conflict between her and I, she has been staying at her mom's more. The other grace is that her Dad generally has my back. He does what he can as far as setting boundaries go, but, she is a big girl and is strong willed so it doesnt get too far. I can't tell you how many times she has gone to bed hungry in the last few weeks because he would not buy her junkfood. He has also never gaslit me over my feelings. It is is hard for him but he is not afraid of being vulnerable and admitting where he has gone wrong and that his child is becoming a monster. Is a monster. I think she has officially transformed. A couple months ago I still had hope but I don't know anymore. The longer this goes on the more we are losing her. She doesn't know how to act around people anymore. Has no idea that the way she communictes is totally inappropriate and mean. I know, we as a family are not alone in this struggle. All I can do is trust in our youth's resiliency and the fabric of our society to hold them.
Ok..im starting to feel better. I don't have any bio kids so was kinda thrown into the deep end with parenthood. Would like to run a situation past all of you as I am second guessing myself. Long story as short as possible..SD14 has not learned how to appreciate the value of things. I have had to talk with her several times about not using my good towels to paint with and showing her other better options. She listened for a bit, then recently I noticed towels were missing again so I went into her room when she wasnt here to see what was going on. And yes, as suspected, several of my towels are in her garbage can totally ruined with paint. I texted her a picture and said something along the lines of "im not mad. remember what we talked about..please don't use these for painting". Her response "why are you in my room when im not there". It went back and forth like that for a bit and ended with my saying.."sorry kid, that is not the way it works, that is your room in MY house and i can go in it whenever I want, esp when you choose not to take out garbage or dishes" .. Of course there was no acknowledgement or appology for ruining my towels or why i might need to be in there. Just outrage that I had been in her room, freaking out at her dad that evening who simply echoed what I said. Today she went back to her moms. As usual I checked to make sure there were no dishes or garbage festering and found a note "I am not home. GET OUT!"
To which I left a note... "I pay the bills. Too bad. P.S. Privacy is a privledge. Earn it "
Parents out there...is this too harsh? this is normal boundary testing right? It really feels like she is upping her mean girl game these days and i don't know if fighting fire with fire is the answer
Sounds like what I would have
Sounds like what I would have done with my bios. When she causes you to spend good money on replacing towels, when ever something gets wrecked because of carelessness, I get irritated. Did you wash the towels and give to her to use? might as well. They are hers now.
I think it might be time to strip her room and make it so she has little to take care of. I'd might go so far as to confiscate all her paint stuff and pack it up. For now. Logical consequences for repeating the offense.
Teen girls are the worst, 3 down one more to go for me. You've got a battle of power going on, an out for her to use(going to other house). I think it might be useful to have a meeting with her and her dad, let him lead it and make clear the rules, consequences and WHY, ( getting ready to live on her own, dorm,etc...). She might reject these fully and say she doesn't want to come over anymore. That manipulation on her part and you have to figure out how much you want that going on in your life. Should a 14yo rule your house? Plenty of dads around choose this path. Plenty of stepmoms end up here because skids rule the house. I guess my point is you need to choose how much misery you want in your life and what kind you can tolerate when raising teens.
thank you
Thank you for normalizing how aweful teenage girls are. I don't know what I am willing to put up with anymore. I have barely talked with her in months up until now so it's not like this all the time. What I think I need is more from her father. I need him to talk with her and say, "I know you are mad about your privacy. This is how we solve that (ie: keep room clean, don't destroy shit). It is not ok to talk to us that way". I'm not sure whether he will or not. And if he doesn't Im not sure what I will do. I read a research article recently saying parents of teenage girls have significantly higher chances of divorce that parents of teenage boys or kids of othe ages. And that is not even accounting for complexity of blended families. ugh
OMG I think our SDs must be
OMG I think our SDs must be related!!! I truly feel for you it is exhausting.
I could have written your post. YSD 13 would allow her room to mirror the local garbage dump. Same BS response, I am violating her privacy, stay out of my room.
I decided today that I no longer have the patience for YSDs bologna anymore. Thank goodness SO is finally backing me 100% and has taken the lead with dealing with her because am over it. I can't even find it in myself to forgive her for her behavior anymore.
there is no hope
I am coming to terms with there being no hope for her and I to have a relationship ever. I don't know how we come back from this. Even after she grows up and is able to emotionally regulate, her personality is resentful and controlling. Im quite certain she will always see me as the human who ruined her life
certainly not too harsh at
certainly not too harsh at all!!!! this little bitch needs a taste of her own medicine! Remove her door , remove her mattress from her bed , remove any technoligy that has been bought for her like her TV , stereo anything like that. put a yoga mat on the floor for her to sleep on and thats it until she learns to respect the room you provide her with. I did this with my own son when he was about 15, it lasted for a couple of days and never had a problem since , he is now 19 and launched . You will be faced with tantrums , kicking screaming but just sit back and pour a glass of wine and let her wear herself out fighting a losing battle,, she doesnt get her stuff back until she complies . goodluck
ugh
the entitlement of some teenagers is shocking. happy to hear your hard line of consequences helped with you son. Now for me to learn how to let it go knowing I did the right thing and her behaviour is just that..a tantrum
Take off her bedroom door and
Take off her bedroom door and put on a lock on the linen closet. If she wants a towel, she need to ask you for one.
well that escalated fast
I toned down my response to her note and instead sent a text saying "Thank you for brining down your dishes! How about taking out the garbage now? And in response to your note, you do not get to dictate what happens in this home. Until you are the one paying the bills, these are our house rules: 1) choose kindness 2) clean up after yourself 3) respect our belongings"
To say she freaked tf out is an understatement! In some ways I feel relieved because all the anger and resentment I could feel towards me is now out in the open and I got to verbalize my house rules. Her behaviour was expected. Her father's was not. He thought I was instigating by going in her room right after she left. Maybe I was. He said this is a sensitive subject why couldn't you just leave it alone for a bit. I said, we cannot allow a child to think it is ok to treat people this way. We came as close to breaking up as we ever have last night because of disagreement in parenting styles. I am SHOCKED over his response. Or lack there of. His respone of "Im not going to helicopter parent her, nothing I say or do will make any difference" does not sit well with me. What is the end game? As we were falling asleep last night, I asked him, "what if this doesn't change? what if in 5 years we have an adult living in our home who still treats us like this? will you do something then?" He didn't answer. Will give him a few days to stew on that one while I grieve the love of my life.
"Im not going to helicopter
"Im not going to helicopter parent her, nothing I say or do will make any difference"
So in other words, he's abdicating his role as a parent because he's already decided he's ineffective. Great. In that case, I'd be telling him to take his visitation elsewhere because you don't want a feral teen in your home who disrespects you and ruins your belongings.
Pathetic, just pathetic.
She won't just treat you both
She won't just treat you both badly, she will do that to many others over her life. Boyfriends, husbands, teachers, co workers, bosses, anyone that crosses her path. That's what DH needs to understand, she will have to eventually function in the world and it can be extra hard for kids that are brought up to be A$$holes.
Ooof, teenage girls are the
Ooof, teenage girls are the worst. My own was. She felt some crazy sense of entitlement, always insisted on the high end name brands, etc. I did not indulge that, save for the occasional Christmas or birthday gift. She was sometimes sweet and fun, and sometimes just awful. I never knew which kid was living in my house.
I think the best thing you (mostly her Dad) can do is set expectations and be consistent with consequences. That sounds easy, but it is definitely not. It's exhausting. She will rebel. At some point she might abandon her father. He can't control that. But I couldn't live in fear of my own child. It is his obligation as a parent to teach her how to function as an adult, and part of that is insisting that she respect the people and things in her home. If she doesn't then she is responsible for the consequences coming her way.
A little lite IMHO. Take her
A little lite IMHO. Take her door. Leave a note that says "Kids do as they are told and have no privileges until they earn them. So, no door, no privacy, until you earn them through your chosen behaviors and compliance with the standards that are required of you in this home."
Been there, with a SD13-14
Been there, with a SD13-14 who left rotting food, mouldering towels, filthy clothing and bedsheets in her room. At one point she'd put dirty dishes in her dresser. I was NOT having that in my house.
Many discussions and arguments with DH took place. Many. He refused to parent, said I was authoritarian, said it was her space....you know the drill. I did not let up. Rotting food in bedrooms is NOT ok. Filthy room, not just messy, is NOT ok. Especially if it's a home I am helping pay for and if repairs/replacement of things is needed that should not be (like three bedside lamps in 3 years) I do get a say. I will not be paying for exterminators.
I also explained how she needs to learn how to live with others and to take care of her own space. No one would want to live with her if she thought how she kept her space was ok, no matter now charming she might be. This seemed to get through to DH.
Anyway after all this he started backing be up, at least a little. He had backsteps when she got upset but I stood my ground with reason.
I trash bagged her room several times. No mercy. If crap was left out or filthy it was bagged. If things were ok I left them. She hated it. DH eventually saw the light when her stuff was out of her room....she was living in trash. I think it was an impetus for her leaving for BMs, along with the PAS (why would she treat our home well if we didn't matter really), and DH finally acting like a parent.
Notes did not work. Stick to your rules. Repeat and repeat. To both your DH and SD. There ARE standards and messy is different than filthy and disrespectful.
I would have not hesitated to take her paints.
I also had a towel issue and eventually moved MY towels to my closet. Even DH does not get to use them. If SD wants new towels, she can go to DH.
Start locking your things down or remove them from general use. I still have some of my good dishes and glasses put away. Because YSD doesn't need to use crystal.
"I am not home. GET OUT!"
"I am not home. GET OUT!"
"I pay the bills. Too bad. P.S. Privacy is a privledge. Earn it "
Too harsh? Hardly. I would be taking her door off the hinges, so fast. And everything in that room, except for the bed, would be put in storage. She can earn it all back.