Full Time Step Mom with Dad on the road.
I am a full time step-mom to a 15yr old boy. His father has full custody, but he is on the road approx 4-5 day a week. Leaving me as his primary care giver. My problem is if I have any issues with my SS, I have no one. If I contact my husband the response I get is that he is XXX miles away. If I try to bring it up when he gets home he blames me for “not letting it go” or complains he isn’t going to punish his child the one day he’s home with him for something that happened days ago and is over with. So here I am. I have 2 children of my own. They are younger, but 95% of any chores are done by them, while he sits and plays video games. He doesn’t lash out at me for the most part but there is a constant tension where he lets me know with his body launguage that he is annoyed by my presence. It’s not just me though his own father when home is constantly arguing about the same attitude. Most recently I asked my husband to please take him with him, or let him stay with a friend or relative, just until he (my husband) is home. I simply do not want to be left alone with him and he tells me no. Flat out, no. That this is his home, he’s not going anywhere, but he leaves him with me. Then gets angry cussing me for being this terrible person, but I’ve tried for 6 years and I just can’t anymore. It’s mentally, physically, emotionally exhausting. Has anyone else had to deal with this? What is the opinion from ppl who aren’t emotionally invensted in one side or the other. Is it unreasonable to ask for him to not be left alone with me? My husband wants a divorce. Because he says I’m abandoning his son. Kicking him out of his home, but all I asked for was to not be left alone with him all week due to his child’s lack of respect for me. Is that an unreasonable request?
Nope.
who took care of junior before you came along?
i took care of SD for about 6 months while DH traveled. Finally I told him she needs to be with BM if he's not here. *shrug*
He stayed with my husbands
He stayed with my husbands father before I was in the picture. He also has several relatives and siblings locally that would gladly let him stay with them (at least a few days). It’s not like there are no options. He just refuses to ask anyone. It’s summer break also, so he could take him with him. My children (his step children) have went with my husband “just for fun” because they love him. So it’s not that there aren’t any options... he just refuses to help me in any way due to it being at my request and not at his son’s.
I forgot to mention that my
I forgot to mention that my SS’s mother also lives only 5-10 minutes away. She isn’t an active part of his life, but he does go and stay with her a couple times a year. That’s what I can’t understand, it’s ok that his own mother visits when it’s convenient for her or when he feels like it... but I’m not his parent and I can’t have that option?
Well
if your kids are gone, it's time for you to stay away from your house for a few weeks. Tell your husband that you are going to be gone and junior can't stay alone. Get your lazy DH in the habit of finding child care again.
Also, make things uncomfortable for junior around the house. Shut off wifi, no yummy snacks, put a lock on the power cable to the gaming console until his chores are done each day.
does DH watch your kids
does DH watch your kids sometimes? I could see how he might think that since you’re mom you should take care of all the kids. But if he’s asking for a divorce just because you’re asking for time away from his kid then he seriously just sees you as a babysitter.
I work full time. I have
I work full time. I have full custody of both my kids and I always have. They all play sports (school and travel) and I do it all on my own all week. He is home weekends only, gets in late every other day or so during week and leaves out early the next morning. On weekends if both my kids have to be different places at the same times I make arrangements with other people. I’ve never demanded he take them and never left them with him so I could go do something without any of them. I have all 3 kids 24/7.
If he’s never around to take
If he’s never around to take care of his kid then he has no business having custody of that child.
This kid is not your
This kid is not your responsibility, he has two parents, as well as other relatives.
He cusses you and tells you he wants a divorce? That you are abandoning his son? He is not yours to abandon. If your husband was so concerned about his son feeling abandoned, perhaps he should have found a local job when he got custody.
Oh I lived this...
You have all of the responsibility of caring for "the child", but no authority. It's bull cr@p. Either you are in charge and he listens to you, or you are not and therefore will not be responsible for him while your hubs is not there (he has to go somewhere else).
Call your husband on the divorce if things don't change or learn to live with the constant disrespect. Those are your 2 options.
I am bitter, resentful and
I am bitter, resentful and angry with my husband for being left in this position. I have expressed this to him many times. Bitter that he allows his son to direspect me. Resentful that he just walks out the door leaving me to deal with his child alone. Angry that I have zero support from him or anyone, but the second I ask to just be removed from that position I’m the one abandoning his child. His mother isn’t in his life. His own father can’t stand to be around him. He has this presence about him where he lets you know that he thinks you are beneath him. I do for all my kids equally. I’ve NEVER cussed him or even talked loud to him with exception of one time he puts hands on my son (who is 3 years younger). I’ve tried disengaging. When I do it’s constant ridicule for “abusing” his child because I didn’t cook dinner every night or because I asked for someone else to pick him up or take him to practice. I am a very strict parent, but I can not take the tension when asking anything of his child. It’s too much. I don’t want to put myself in the situation of trying to “parent” him due to fact that I’m not going to get in a physical altercation with a man child. It’s a no win.
I get it!
But I didn't put up with it and left.
Why are all those
Primary care givers are on the road half the week. If they want to take care of there kids, then Chang jobs where you are home every night. A man on the road and night a week, is not a parent capable of thanking care of any kid
Set the rules of behavior and
Set the rules of behavior and enforce them.
He pops to and does what he is told when he is told ..... period!!! One microsecond of delay and you unplug his gaming system and cut the power cord in half. Another delay and you take a hammer to a selected itemof his iPhone/lap top/etc....
Attitude and failure to comply with the standards of behavior/performance and he lives a life of abject misery.
Since daddy is a parental dud you do it and daddy can stfu and have your back or step up and get it done before you have too.
Keep it simple. Bring the misery.
Rags nailed it. His face when
Rags nailed it. His face when you take a pair of wire snips to the power cord will probably be priceless. He can do chores to earn the $ back for a new one.
Write out fair and equal rules and chores for all of the kids in the house. If any of them don't comply -- something goes!
Why are you even there?
I just went back and read your other blog. Why are you allowing your husband to treat you and your kids so poorly and on top of it he dumps his lazy, disrespectful son on your plate? You know he isn't being fair.. You know he isn't being reasonable. You let him mentally beat down your kids and his own kid sees how poorly you are treated so he sees no problem with doing the same.
I would be very tempted to make plans to be gone and move out while he is away on business. You know your DH's father's number I would call him and say.. by the way... you need to come over to take care of SS15 as my children and I are leaving and I am divorcing your son.
WOW! I just did the same as
WOW! I just did the same as ESMOD!
This is terrible and I take back what I said about taking control of parenting his lazy son. LEAVE. Next time he is gone, go too. Go with your kids.
I couldn’t imagine being in
I couldn’t imagine being in your situation full time. My wife went out of town for a week and left me with sd15 much to my protest (I made a thread about it in general discussion with a lot of great feedback). I deal with a moody teenager on a daily basis and it’s no picnic but this is a husband problem not necessarily a kid problem. Frankly your husband sounds like an ass for not laying down the law with his son about respecting you as the boss when he’s away. Your husband should stand up for you and let kid know that you are to be treated with respect or else. Also he shouldn’t be leaving his kid in your care constantly if he knows you have a problem with his attitute. Can you try a compromise where the kid stays at grandmas house every other week or so? You should at least get a break once in a while. I’m sorry about your situation, I would have been out of the door if my wife wouldn’t compromise with me especially if my peace of mind and happiness were on the line.
Do you hate yourself so
Do you hate yourself so much that you are willing to stay with this horrible abusive loser/user?