frustration building
Hi,I have been with my wife for 8 years and her daughter is now 16. I didn't have kids when we met, but we now have a 3 year old and a 6 year old. My sd has always had attitude issues and I put up with it for years. We always disciplined her but now it is worse. Her bd is basically a deadbeat and never really did anything for her. In my eyes she always wanted a father /daughter relationship which she did not get from him. I've tried to fill that void emotionally, physically, and financially. Now that she is a teenager her attitude is worse, she lies all the time and I mean all the time, she's disrepectful and very lazy. Her grades fluctuate all the time , she never cleans up unless she is told. I was not like that as a kid. I feel unappreciated and feel I am getting the short end of the stick. She is reaping all the benefits of having me therre as a father and I am getting nothing out of it. Not that I really want something other than a respectful and grateful person in my house. It is hard to have someone barely speak to you or adknowledge your presence when it is your house , your money and ultimately your family. She walks around like she is the queen of my house. We discipline her regularly but I am tired of it. I am a very happy go lucky goofy person. When she is not here my house is so peaceful and fun. I try to just think maybe it just teenage stuff, which some of it might be but I just wish skids would realize that somethings we don't have to do and we still do it. I try not to be too childish but when my sd is mean or has attitude with my bkids it pisses me off.I want to think of her as my own but after dealing with this wall she has put up I am tired of it.I just feel my wife doesn't understand because all are her kids. I am constantly making sure I don't show favortism to my kids in every thing I do and my sd has no idea or doesn't care. It is not my fault her bd is a deadbeat. This rebellion thing has me at my wits end.
You're the adult.
She's sixteen is at the age where she thinks she can handle anything the world throws at her and so she can do as she likes. Yet she has no idea of how to take care of herself.
Start with this the next time she acts up. Ask her without rancor or anger "Who do you think is going to put up with this when you're 18 (or graduate)"? Make it clear from body language you're not kidding. When she's 17 and still acting up ask "Are you planning on getting your own place when you graduate (18) or go to college"?
If she blows you off don't react. You've made your point and she'll stew on it I guarantee it.
Listen you're a step-parent - the most under-appreciated job in the domestic world. Stop asking what you're going to get out of it. The answer is nothing. At least for now. If you don't do something rash its likely that when she's in her 20's she'll come to appreciate what you did and put up with.
Meanwhile stop feeling sorry for yourself. There are a million parents of teenagers going throught the same thing.
Remember - you're the adult here.
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There's an exception to everything I say.
I completely understand
I completely understand robert - I'm in the same boat and have no idea how to proceed.
common
Robert - a few months ago I thought I was a terrible SM to my 15 years old SS, who of course was acting exactly like your SD...Until a few months ago I went online to see how other SP were dealing with their issues, and found out OMG this situation was so common. After all I am not as bad sm as I thought I was. I am (and you are, and all of us here) just a human being with my own feelings and emotions. Like anyone else, I would like to have a harmonious life, and be loved and appreciated at least by my family members incl. the ss. I can forgive many times, I can ignore many times, I can say "I understand" many - many times, but if it's never ending story of being underappreciated and labeled as "a bad person, everyone knows that" - the fruastration really starts building little by little.
Having a mixed family is most awkward and unnatural life situation. Why? Because there are some game rules we have to follow to play a parenting role, and these rules are much easier to play with our biological children: I am a parent - you are a child, I am an authority figure - you are the one who obey and listen etc. As a step parent you don't have this authority, they would always love their BPs more - or a good image (which is naturally much better than yours) of their BPs. If everything goes the way they want - you are a "cool" sd, if something goes against their wish - you are an evil person and "I hate you".
There is no love whatsoever involved, but of course there are some exceptions, where personalities of step kids and step parents click (alas not my case)
I would suggest - just accept the situation as is. She is a child who can hardly handle her emotions (we are adults, and we can hardly handle our emotions LOL), she is a teenager, DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Try to separate you emotions from this girl, let her be; do not concentrate on what she does wrong - insted enjoy the rest of your life, your children, your family, you job, your livelihood. Concentrate on being happy not "because", but "inspite". I know it may sound blah, but listen, try it. First try to observe your frustration from the side, like it is not you who are frustrated, like this emotion has nothing to do with you. because it does not. She is not part of you, so separate yourself emotionally. she is in this world to grow and mature, and you actually have nothing to do with that more than you've already done. You don't have to love her, if you don't feel love. And you don't have to feel guilty if you feel you don't like her. It is completely normal to dislike someone who is not likable. Separate with ability to jump in if needed.
I apologize for the long message. And it is just my opinion.