I have recently chosen to disengage from my 16SS. This came after long hours of reading, thinking, discussing with friends, etc.

I sat down and pulled together a letter and sat everyone in the house down, my children, his child, as well as the DH and I left out children out since they are only 5 and 3 and read aloud to them this letter.

The letter:

Dear SS,
I have asked all you to sit down today and to listen. I will be reading this letter not only to you, but to everyone here. There will be no yelling, screaming, stomping off or fighting of any kind. Period. At the end, if you have anything thing to say you will be given your time to speak.
First, for the last 2-3 weeks life in this house has been tense in one way or another. I have realized many things over the course of this last 3 weeks, and learn many things 3 weeks ago.
You came into my life when you were just another eight year old little boy. The biggest difference between you and most boys I had ever seen or been around, you had a heart. The last thing you wanted to do to anyone was hurt someone. Yet for many years I sat and watched you get shit on, treated like a second class son, disrespected, lied too, you name it, and you never could understand why I would get so mad by this. For the last eight years I have given 150% to you. I have been there for you to talk to when your mom as hit you, when she has threatened you with her boyfriend, when she has treated you as if you were some adopted nobody, to the happy times of when you and her had a wonderful weekend. I have been the one that you have came to and told many things too, that still people do not know, why… cause you asked me to keep it a secret, and I did. Now here we sit. Divided. In this last 8 months to a year you have turned into someone I don’t know anymore and quite frankly someone I do not want to know. Someone I am ashamed to admit to know. For the first time I had to debate a decision of whether to call the sheriff on you or not. Not a decision I thought I would ever face.
For the last 2 weeks other than mowing you have done nothing to help in this house. You have treated mt DD with much undeserved disrespect at home and in school. And that needs to end. She had nothing to do with anything that happened.
The lies, sneaking, disrespect, lack of care for school, have went from normal to out of control. Sadly, I have lost all respect for you, but even worst I have lost respect for you father and your mother as well. I see a child that was once one of the best kids I know, turned to one of the kids I see come through our office – and I blame your mother and father. I told your dad about a year ago, “ya know, you don’t do something now your gonna lose him, he will head into a troubled path. Just wait and see. One day he will take that step and try his best to get you to hit him – or call you out. And when he does, and you coward away, He will win that point. Well, that time in our life has happened. The Monday morning you decided to take a step and hit me, proved to me exactly what type of person you are turning out to be. And I will tell you, I know you hit your mother, now you have hit me, one day it will be (his girlfriend), or whom ever you with. And one day if you continue down this road I will be seeing your name on a docket somewhere and you will be in jail. With that said, I am sorry I had no more influence on you or did not come into you life earlier, or maybe I should say I am sorry your mother nor father spanked your butt as a child and teach you how to respect, mind, be honest and have goals and dreams. These lessons are much easier learned at 6 than 16 or even 26.
I have really thought, read and thought some more in this last couple of weeks. And I have decided to disengage myself from you.

1. Your are not my child. – Remember you said” I hate you, get out of my life, your not my mom.” Well your right.
2. I am not responsible for overcoming your previous "raising."
3. I am not responsible for what kind of person you turn out to be.
4. I am not responsible for you at all.
5. I am not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because I married your dad. Be it mental, physical or emotional.
6. I am not responsible for raising you.
7. All the responsibility belongs to your father.
8. Your Father is going to raise you the way he wants to.
9. You are not going to turn out the way you would if your father and mother had supported each other and supported myself.

What all this means is this:
"Everyone is unhappy, our home is miserable, & I'm completely frustrated & angry all the time. You are angry & frustrated with me, and it's getting worse. Someone has to do something about this, & I decided that it will be me. I have decided that I will no longer be responsible for getting you to bed on time, or getting you up in the mornings. I will not tell you to set the table before dinner, & I will not tell you to take a bath. I am no longer going to do anything that will give you the opportunity to treat me with disrespect. In the future, if you need anything, you must ask your dad. I will no longer take responsibility for (whatever, getting your school supplies, shopping for your clothes, doing your laundry, taking you to basketball practice, etc.) This includes all chores and caring for DS or DD. You are no longer going to be asked to watch them, care after them or fed them. Furthermore, as long as you have the anger and the issue you do I do not want you around any of my four children alone. Period. Especially DS, I expect him to grow to be man, and if your influences put him on a different course then its my job as his mother to keep you at a distance from hi,.. Brother or not. He is my son.
I will choose my battles, and those will be about those things that DIRECTLY affect me or my kids. For example, the house will stay clean. "From now on, I expect everyone to put their stuff away by bedtime. Since I will no longer be asking you to do it because I don't want to argue with you, anything that is left out after 9:00 will be disposed." Period, no discussion, just do it. If it's important to you or DH for you to keep your "stuff," HE will parent you, or do it himself. You will treat the 4 other kids in this house with respect at all times. Your issue is with me not them. This is not a kick the dog house and you will not take your issues with me out on any of them.
I love you dearly, I wish you the best and pray that you find the right road and get back on it. Cause the road you are walking down is not only a very lonely one but a very troubled on.
(thank you to the guy who wrote the disengaging blog)
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Now how hard did you find it not to just want to re-take over and attempt to put your foot down and do something. I know I have always been the "discipline parent" in this marriage, but dear lord, in the last few weeks, I honestly feel like this person I call a DH is someone I dont know.

I watched him worry, be upset, be mad etc over the events that occured (my first post) and talk non-stop about the ways he needed to step up and be a father. Here we sit 3-4 weeks later with no change- nothing at all..

Ok - well he put him in therapy haha-- now that is some discipline for SS actions. Since then SS has maintained his lying, sneaking etc. For example; I found a "ring" asked DH. DH spoke with him and come to find out he wanted to give it to the 14 year old child, girlfriend, and was told he was Not to do so! Well after a few weeks went by it was noticed that it was missing,.. OOO there is a shock) well DH finally ask him, and wow, amazingly enough the Girlfriend/child had it. what was done Lalala... Noddaa laala.. same ol song...

I honestly don't know anymore who I am tired of more ...

my liar, cheater, sneaking, a**whole of a SS or my pushover let things lay the way they are DH.

Now my DH and I have a son whom is 3 and lately all i can think is I will be damned if he will ever be like SS.

I think the disengaging was good for me... but on the other end I get so angry watching the games this boy plays. For instance, using his grandmother, he is now going to her house on weekends to "get away and think" HAHAHA when in reality its going to grandma's to meet up with the 14 year old child he is "dating/having sex with" its all just so flipping insane.

I remember always hearing every person has a limit of what they can take- and I know I have reached mine.
532 days and ticking... pretty sad when I have to count down until the happy day he turns 18 and I can tell him to get the $^^& out.