Disengaging form just one of the stepchildren?
Hi,
I´m new here and so glad I found you all.
I´ve been with my DH for 2 years now, and we have 6 children all together.
My two that live with us (6 and 11), and his 4 (13, 15, 19 and 22). The two eldest have
left for university, while his two youngest sons visit us regularly and stays for 1-4 week at the time.
My DH is a saint, but suffers from guilty dad syndrome. He has a hard time speaking up for himself,
and instead chosses to ignore totally unfit behaviour.
The major issue is SS13. He is plain and simple awful! He will talk back, disrespect, ignore,
call names, break things, run away, complain, whine etc etc. He´s behaviour is turning worse and worse, and he´s dropping out of school, ignoring house rules at both homes, picking on other kids and
probably lots more.
I`ve tried my best for these poor two years to be a positive force in his life; expecting little but
giving a lot. And it worked well for a while until he realised I actually expected something from him.
What I expect is that he follows simple house rules and treat us all with respect. Apparently too big
a task for that kid...
I soon enough realised that the kindness I got from him was when he knew I would reward him with
something, if there was a snack waiting or if I had just given him something. Otherwise I´m zero
worth.
His brother, SS15 is his opposite. He´s an angel, and such a pleasant person to be around.
And thats what makes this all very hard for me... I really need to disengage from SS13 and truly
make him his fathers responsibility in all and everything, but how do I do that without making it
all look silly? I mean; acting kindly and friendly towards SS15 and take him places when I go, but not
SS13?
The last time they came to stay SS13 was acting like a total idiot because he had to rake a tiny, tiny part of the lawn. I warned him that behavior like that would exclude him from coming with us all to a fancy restaurant later that evening. Well, he "didn´t care". We left without him, and he cared a lot! He was devastated, and I was feeling evil but pleased. No way I was going to treat him for beeing
a jerk and for disrespecting both me and his father.
But the point is that SS13 is in our face, either by velcroing, whining, sighing, complaining etc etc from the moment he gets up and until he is more or less tossed into bed. He makes such a negative aura around himself, so there is little room for positive reinforcement. But I cannot exclude him from everything, or?
Please share your insights and experiences. I´m so confused now (as you probably can tell)
Just want to apologize for
Just want to apologize for any spelling errors or uncorrect language as I am norwegian.
Oh my, UnresticTiff- this
Oh my, UnresticTiff- this must be very hard on you:( That kid sounds like he´s pretty messed up.
My DH is very understanding and sees most of the things I do, but he wont speak up. I´ve heard him correct SS, and it sounds like he´s about to give him a present instead of punishment.
That kid will break all the house rules every day, starting from when he drags his lazy ass out of bed. He stays here on vacations and school breaks, so we´re forced to spend entire days with him.
He just won´t do anything on his own. Nothing! He starts the day complaining, whines, complains, velcros, disrespects and then off to bed. Repeat ad nauseum.
But I´ve just had it, and from next stay (in 2 weeks) I will totally disengage. I have decided now after putting my thoughs on print here yesterday.
-I will not do anything for him
-I will not invite him to anything I´m doing or anywhere I´m going
-I will not include him in conversations unless it´s necessary
-I will not cook for him
-I will not make his bed or wash his clothes
-I will not buy him anything
And also- I will do my best to stay occupied or away on his stays, providing my kids are at their dads. If not, I will do things outside the house with the kids that do participate to the household in a respectful manner. Not this lazy, awful freeloader!
I mean- he will sit in the sofa and brag about NOT doing his chores and getting punishment at school.
I´ve given him plenty of opportunities to change his behavior. The last time he stayed I was furious with him (when he ended up beeing excluded from the restaurant-visit later that evening), and I told him clearly that he could do pretty much what he wanted when he stays with his mom; I couldn´t care less. But in my house, with me and his dad, he has to follow the same rules as everyone else.
If he failed he would loose privileges.
I don´t think he believes we´ll cut him out of the equation, but he has a surprise coming.
I usually do fun stuff with the kids at weekends, but he will be the sorry pup sitting home alone and sending his curse messages on Facebook.
I´m usually a very calm and kind person, but I won´t be stepped over by a kid.
There is so much more I could tell you, but I recon you´ve heard it all before:P