Split your accounts NOW. You CANNOT have a joint account or bills with someone who believes they have the right to spend the money as THEY see fit. Once the accounts/bills are split, if he has extra money to pay for crap for his kids, then make sure that if he then doesn't have enough for himself, that you do NOT give him ANY of your money...I promise you that once he sees that they don't care if he lives under a bridge, the money flowing out will stop. I promise.

My DH saw no problem doing similar things until the bills were split. Once split, after a few weeks of me buying things for myself or going out to lunch with co-workers, while he couldn't even afford a 6 pack of beer, he stopped handing out money like an idiot.

IMO, your StbDH should not be even expecting you to put any of your money into this or anything for your SD. My DH and I have seperate accounts. In 10 years he has never asked me to contribute to anything for his son, I have paid for things for my SS but that is because I chose to, not because it was expected. You need to tell your DH she is not your financial responsibility and also you may wish to consider seperate bank accounts.

This is exactly why my money is not co-mingled with DH's....I will not pay anything for SD or SS. They are not my kids. I don't ask DH to pay for my son and his high adventure scouting. That is my problem. Just like this is his problem. For the record, my kids trips have cost thousands but, he is a straight a student. If they don't deserve them they don't go...

This is why I refuse to have joint accounts with DF.
As a SM I have no desire for my money to help with extras for my SDs. As a BM, I refuse to allow my DF to have a say in how I spend my money on my son.

Let your DF how you feel about funding these trips. If he wants her to go, then he has to fund it himself.
If that means getting a second job or working tons of overtime, so be it.

None of my income is used for anything skid related. By the same token, DH doesn't get a say in how I spend my money on my own DD. If there's going to be conflict with who deserves what and when, then it's a useful boundary to have straight from the beginning. That way, the reasons for not wanting to contribute don't matter. You just stick to your rule and be done with it.

NOT MY KID...NOT MY PROBLEM!!! PERIOD! PLAIN & SIMPLE!

That one simple phrase ALONE is ALL that is needed to be said!!!

Would separate bank accounts be an option? Step-shits don't get any of my money, plain & simple. I have my own kids to spend my money on. Dear ole dad wants to support his grown-ass kids, that's on him.

What your fdh should do is tell sd how much he CAN provide for the trip. SD has to raise the rest herself. If she doesn't, she doesn't go. If she wants it badly enough, she will do it, if she doesn't, no one has to pay anything.

At 15 she could have a job if she wanted to spend money like that. Friday evening 4:30 - close, 8 hr.s Saturday, and 8 hr.s Sunday to end no later than, say, 8:00 pm; that's 22.5 hr.s/week right there. In a little under 19 weeks, just working weekends, she could have saved up half. A lack of planning on her part should not constitute and emergency on yours.

I stay well and truly disengaged financially. Its bad enough having to put up with spoilt SD and SS but having to input financially into that spoiling would be unacceptable to me. I raised two kids by myself after my late husband was killed and before we even moved in together with my current DH, made it clear that I wanted to keep our finances separate. I had seen enough signs of him forking out extra money for the skids. The BM spends most of the child support on botox and living a lifestyle well beyond her means. Then cries foul play when there is not enough money for the skids. He supplements with extra money for clothes, extra curricular things, school etc. He wont tackle any of them because he is basically afraid to lose them, even though he won't admit that. He is a good parent so I don't complain but I have no intention ever of paying for another woman's silly botox injections. The only way I keep my sanity is to keep my finances separate. We all have different priorities and I keep my hard earned money for me and my own kids. At times I know it annoys him (we earn about the same) but I still say its the best way otherwise I would be a shrieking shrew all the time

I am in a similar position to you and have an SD16 at an exclusive girl's school. The last request for a trip was her tossing the piece of paper for a $1700 one week trip to Sydney on the couch next to us. Yes that is right she did not even ask and yes after she did get a reprimand from DH, she did get to go. I think these exclusive schools are out of control and I do not understand how putting these options in front of teenagers without reinforcing the need to earn things in life is healthy. Maybe having had a fairly ordinary background where I worked holiday jobs etc, I am not even qualified to understand all this.

So you are in a tricky spot and I understand.

Realistically, you may need to do what we did and pay one more time on the proviso that SD does specific tasks around the house for a nominated period for example and then communicate clearly to SD that this is the last time. Any future "free trips" will required her contribution via tasks done around the house for money, part time job at 16 etc.

I feel for you and have been there too. Unfortunately once your finances are together you are in the world of compromise and pain trying to help guilty daddy stop forking out the money to buy love.

You should definitely separate your fiances NOW before things gets any worse.

Both of you contribute towards the household bills according to how much you make, for example- you contribute 30% he contribute 70%.
Anything that's left over you keep in your own bank account, and he uses his left over to pay what he wants for his kids.

This will avoid any arguments over money spent on step kids.

The problem with this *minor* disagreement is not that it cannot be resolved by 2 mature educated adults but that it is indicative of deeper issues that will manifest themselves again and again and again... many of us on this forum have found out the hard way how much they really grate on us and make us wonder, is it really worth it? Yours is a scenario that is so common it sounds like we are all reading from the same script. You are not selfish for wanting a honeymoon, your SD does NOT deserve a trip to Europe but your fDH does not see eye to eye with you, and you will have to swallow your objections many times in the future if you do not want to fight. If you can be happy with it, so be it. If not - you will be miserable even if you keep quiet because it goes against your values. If the SD was nice and loving to you, you could be convinced that by giving her this trip you are buying peace and happiness for all. But she is not, and having to fund extravagant purchases for people who treat you badly makes me, for one, really mad. It also makes me wish my DH had more of a backbone... and that might erode our relationship.

So i am not sure if you are naive or if many of us here are jaded, or both, but you probably do not realize right now just how much weight those issues carry. They are a real downer.

It’s not that we’re jaded. It’s that we’ve experienced it.
You asked how do you disengage financially?

How else WOULD you disengage if not to separate finances?

You said that the two of you have lived together for FIVE years and in this FIVE years this issues STILL hasn’t been resolved? You may think “picking your battles” is your method of resolving this, but if that’s the case, you wouldn’t be on here looking for help.

“I was actually looking for productive solutions and maybe a better way to communicate with fDH.”

You can say it in 15 different languages, sign language, backwards, it doesn’t matter. You think there is some special way of communicating with FI that is going to make him wake up tomorrow morning and magically grows a spine. Sorry, until he realizes how he is being used, this is going to continue happening.

You have two contradicting policies: You want an “in it together” attitude, but you do not want your money spent on SD. You can’t have both. Either you separate your finances, or you accept that some of your money will be spent on the bratty SD.

"Turns out, I approached him about it tonight, and he agreed that he does not think she deserves the trip either. He says if BM is hell bent on sending her regardless of her disrespect and poor grades, then it's on her to pay for it. If SD can keep her grades up, and her attitude significantly improves (and I mean significantly), then he and I have an agreed upon number that we are willing to contribute (whimsey6 and smartone suggested this). Anything above and beyond that SD will have to figure out on her own through fundraising and possibly a job."

This is how we operate. the ex has spent so many years guilt tripping and using the kids as ways to get things from my husband. Because the ex would randomly send us letters demand rediculous amounts of money outside the child support we were already paying, we made a rule that "if we are not a part of the discussion and decision making, then we will not contribute". She already recieves money from us, so does not know our financial position and she needs to be an adult and have a civil conversation with us about what she wants us to do and speak to us about whether we could financially afford to contribute (She would randomly send us a letter that would say "I decided to sign up Ali for a private school this year and your portion of the bill is $5,000.00 and I need it by next week.".....Ummmm...No, you will not be getting ANYTHING because 1. YOU made this decision without consulting us about it, your decision, YOU pay for it! 2. We don't agree with your decision to do that and 3. We don't have the money anyways!

It's all about bounderies isn't it?