Communication and a bossy step son
I have a 12 year old stepson who, honestly, is hard to communicate with at times and has a habit of bossing people around. For context: he was dignosed with ADHD and has meication for it which he doesn't take on a consistant basis and we have to remind him to take it and watch him to make sure he does. At the same time he doesn't seem to get it when it comes to responsability. To be fair he's at the stage were he shouldn't have to be told to do certain things but all he wants to do when he and his sister are with my wife and I is sit in front of the tv and watch YouTube videos, be on the PlayStation we have or on his phone (which is a story for another time).<p>That said: his dad did call my wife and I last week to let us know that he was grounded from electronics after he mouthed off his dad's partner and didn't get school work done, which has been a problem in the past. Things went well for most off this past Saturday until we were at my wife's mom and stepdad's house. After dinner that night, while setting up the Wii system my wife's mom and stepdad have, I noticed the clock was on 24 hour (military) time and not 12 hour time. While my stepson was changing the time I gently told him he wasn't putting on the right time and aske iff I could hold the remote to show him. While I held my hand over to him he jerked back and looked at me with a angry look, to which I told him to stop and that I was only helping him.<p>This not the first time this has happened between us. I should also point out that my wife and I have had several conversations with him about his behavour toward us and how respect is the name of the game. We had that conversation with him last Friday night and I told him that if he has a question about me he can ask me directly. During the right home that night had asked his mom about me and both her and my stepdaughter said to him that I was right there and he can ask me directly. While talking to him later I flat out told him that it hurts me when he does that and that he doesn't have to go through his mom to talk to me. Along the same lines he did something like that again on Sunday. He had expressed desire to be baptized and says he understands is but then he said he didn't want to, which left me with the impression he was talking a big game but ultimently doesn't want to do it. What had me upset was the fact that, once again, he didn't want to tell an adult that himself and I had to do it for him.
What do you want?
What behavior do you want to change. He has a father who he has a relationship with. I don't know what you want him to do.? It's his mothers job to make him respect you
Listening
His mom and dad have been telling him that I'm part of his life. They have also told him that he is to be respectful, with his dad adding that when he and his sister are with my wife and I the same rules apply with us as they do with him and that he will be in trouble of he acts up at our house, something my wife and I have said to him as well. The trouble is that he storms off, shuts down, yells at us or otherwise won't talk to us.
welcome to the site.
welcome to the site.
Just a note.. I hope your profile is not your actual family... we try to not use real names or pictures.. to protect everyone's privacy.. and it could prevent a situation where your family/skids could find the site and see what you and others have written. This is a good place to vent because the blowback from saying things to loved ones and not so loved ones isn't a risk..
I have two SD's/.. now adult but I met their dad when they were 5 and 9 yo. The older one was reluctant to approach me.. or people she wasn't comfortable with.. lots of stuff was filtered through her younger sister as her mouthpiece.
I think the age of your SS is partially an issue.. preteens/teens can be difficult under the best of circumstances. I'm not sure if you have taken on a role of disciplinarian in your home.. but if so, I would try to step back and have his mother step up to that role more.. correction without connection breeds resentment. I think in general disengagement.. only engaging when things are actually a danger.. would be the most likely to have a chance of building a better relationsihp.
It does sound like he has had some general issues even in his other home with being respectful... and I hope your wife is fully supporting and backing you up on that.. and reinforcing that it's dissappointing to hear he is not respectful to his stepmother.
Some of his behavior could be due to his adhd.. but some is probably his age too.
Thank you and thanks for the
Thank you and thanks for the heads up, will change the photo.
Let the bio parents handle
Let the bio parents handle discipline as much as possible. If you do discipline, it's only going to be effective if you have a relationship with the SS, and if the bio parents back you up. This age can be tough, whether it's a skid or a bio kid.
I did have to discipline my SS at times but had the support of both bio parents. He lived in my house and if he didn't want to mind both the adults living here, then I felt that he could just leave. I did have a relationship with him at the time but I also think he may have resented me some. He was allowed to run over all of the other women in his life, his bio mom, his grandmother (my MIL), and his aunt(my SIL). There were probably some other women who he ran over too, but I didn't allow him to do so to me. He tried to get bossy with me exactly once. Normally, I might open my mouth and hear my mother coming out. My mother was and still can be a mean scary old lady. When he tried to get bossy with me, I opened my mouth and who I heard was worse than my mother. I heard my grandmother. He never tried that again. Most of the time in step life though, it is generally recommended that the step parent disengage and let the bio parents deal with their little darling demons.
Agreed
Thanks for the heads up, my step son's bio father, after talking with my wife, is making it clear to the son how he needs to get his aittitude in line and reenforcing to him how he is to be respctful of myself and his mom. That said its not registering with the step son how he needs to behave as we keep having the same issues pop up everytime they are with my wife and I.
So, stop talking to him and start dictating that he behaves.
Keep it stupid simple.
He is manipulating. All the adults apparently know it. So, take away his preferred conduit of manipulation and make words the solution rather than his conduit to manipulate.
Don't let him run to his room, plant his nose in an isolated corner to stand holding the walls together with his nose until everyone else gets tired. Plant his ass at an antique wooden school desk in an isolated spot in the house to write countless sentences in perfect hand writing, perfect grammar, and perfect spelling for countless hours on end. Make the sentences he writes pertinent to the lesson of not being manipulative.
Sentences were a very effective tactic for us in parenting a kid who was smarter than anyone else in any room who was also a pleaser. He hated disappointing so much so that his initial reaction to any question was that he had done what he was asked about or had not done it if it was something he should not have done.
So, 10s of thousands of sentences from age 8-ish to 13-ish. He wrote so many that he has impeccable hand writing which meant that he was the one at his job who was assigned to fill out any manual forms. To this day we get a laugh out of sentences. He gives his mom and I crap for torturing him with sentences and we all get a laugh out of it 20 years after he wrote them.
Adapt, address the issue, and defend yourself and your marriage from a toxic kid who may just benefit in being held accountable.
IMHO of course.