Last week I had a situation that came up that made me feel like I really need to connect with people that might be in similar situations as I am in. I don't personally know anyone that can relate. Anyway, background is my boyfriend and I have been dating 2 1/2 years and have decided to move in together. I have never been married and have no children of my own. He is quite a bit older than me and has been married once and has three children with her. They are 28, 18 and 11 years old. His ex had cheated on him/had an affair or two. It was devastating to him. After trying to reconcile their marriage (on his part), he finally filed for divorce. This was before we met. Well, the ex is very troubled and has constantly proved things he has said about her. She is very childish and mentally incapable of being a real parent. She has recently remarried but is living in a commune situation with her oldest daughter and multiple other people. So, there's a lot of history there. Well, I have had my ups and downs with the 11 year old, but feel our relationship is getting to a good place. My boyfriend constantly says his kids need a mother and encourages me to take a more proactive role in parenting them. A couple of months ago, the 18 year old daughter broke up with her boyfriend she was living with and moved back into my boyfriend's house. My boyfriend travels a lot with his job and is gone for most of the week. So, his daughter and I are there together alone. We have gotten along well, at least that's what I thought.

My boyfriend had asked the daughter multiple times to dispose of her female hygiene products in the kitchen trash can so the dog doesn't get to it. The dog has gotten to them a couple of times and left a bloody mess on the floor. When I woke up one morning last week, there was a huge bloody mess on the bathroom floor. I had gone out to jog/walk and when I came back the door was opened and light was on, so I knew she had been up and had to have noticed the mess. I decided I needed to wake her (if she was actually asleep) to take care of it to make a point that she cannot let that happen. Also, she had left her wet towel on the floor and her boxes of female products all over the floor. I went downstairs to her room and woke her up and had her come upstairs so I could show her and let her know she needs to clean it up. She acted surprised. But, I didn't react. I just told her she needs to properly dispose of the products like we have discussed and to not leave her towel on the floor. She angrily started picking up the bloody mess, but just putting it in the bathroom trash. Then she looked at me and said I was being rude and went to go back downstairs to her room. I reached out to shut the door that went downstairs and she acted like I had struck her and started yelling at me. I told her all I asked her to do was take care of her mess. She told me that I am not her mother. I said in this house I am her mother. She then said that I should get the f#$% out. I told her no, that I am not going anywhere. I told her if she doesn't take care of things she will loose her privileges. I told her she can leave if she doesn't like it and she told me that it's her house, not mine. She told me her dad told her repeatedly that he doesn't want me living there and nobody wants me there and she doesn't know why I'm there. I told her I love her dad very much and he asked me to live there. She told me her dad will choose her over me. She said the truth is she never liked me. She said that we always argue (news to me) and that I am always butting in and giving my two cents. Well, she ended up calling her mother. Her mother later that day sent me a long Facebook message threatening me.

My boyfriend had talked to both of them. He said that the mother is extremely jealous of me and has definitely tried to poison her kids against me and that she fueling the fire. While my boyfriend and I both agree that I probably shouldn't have woke her up like that, he says he believes that his daughter has some deep issues that I just exposed and that it mostly isn't even about me. He also thinks his daughter might be Borderline. The mother definitely has some mental issues, possibly Borderline. Later that day, I sent her a long text apologizing for my part and letting her know that it hurt me that she said she never liked me. I told her I probably can't change that, but I hope we can learn to at least co-exist. She never responded. I saw her later that day and said hi to her and she just glared and kept walking. The next day my boyfriend told me that she told him that I sent her a fake apology. He was back home that day and while she was there he asked her if she said hi to me and she said she doesn't want to. Also, she had showed him how I "slammed" "her" door and ended up putting her hand through the door. He got very upset with her and made her go out and get materials to fix it. He said obviously she was exaggerating, because I didn't break the door. Ugh! The next day I attempted to see if she would talk to me and she told me she didn't want to. The next day, I saw her and asked if we could please talk, that I am sorry and that I would like to get past this. She then blew up at me and got extremely defensive and basically repeated what she said before. Her dad was standing by me and tried to get her to settle down and not try to fight me. She even acted like I was trying to attack her and threatened to attack me. She said that she doesn't listen to her stepdad and she won't listen to me. She said she is an adult and can do things on her own and that I am not her parent and am not a parent and she will not listen to me. My boyfriend said fine, while he is gone out of town this week that the two of us will not talk to one another. He said if we have an issue to go to him. We both agreed. 

This has torn me up. I feel like out of all of my boyfriend's kids, she is actually the most like me. Which, may be the problem. However, we are baffled by her complete resistance to try to make peace or reconcile. My boyfriend has been great about this, more than I would have guessed. He has been very supportive and caring toward me. He has tried talking to her one on one about it and gets nowhere. He believes it really doesn't have anything to do with me. He believes she has some unrealistic fantasy about her parents getting back together, even though she repeatedly says she is very glad they divorced. She might also just want them both to be single. He says he will not choose her over me or the other way around. He says that he does want me there and she is just going to have to accept it. He doesn't know what to do, either. He said he will try talking to her again today before he leaves. 

I have started looking into Borderline Personality Disorder and traits of a sociopath. I think both can apply to her. It's comforting to know that there's a lot there that mostly doesn't have anything to do with me. But, it's also hard because I don't know what's going to happen. I think she at the very least does need counseling. She can technically move out in a couple of months. I hope that is what will happen, but she has no real ambitions in her life. So, I fear she might try to stay there as long as she possibly can. My boyfriend believes she is afraid that I am taking him away from her. He says their mother never wanted her or her little brother. He was really their sole parent. I think that is a contributing factor to this. 

Thank you for listening and any support would be appreciated.