Being left out of discussions regarding SS 16
Hi
So I have a ss16 and me and partner have our ownchild age 11. Due to ss mum contact has always been very limited over the years also he lives 3 hours drive away.
When he was smaller from 1.5 up to age 4 we had him for maybe one week a year. My partner visited him a few times. From age 4 to 9 we had zero contact (again issues with mum I won't go into).
From age 9 till now each year he has visited 1 week to 4 weeks a year.
As you can see from this picture to me he is a virtual stranger. Don't get me wrong now he 16 and see's the truth he is understanding why it has been the way it has over the years and he is a lovely lad in general while here with us.
Well his mum isn't nice never has been and she isn't particularly nice to my ss and he has been making noises about moving in with us.
I feel like I am not being involved in this decision of him moving in. When I broach it I just get accused of not liking SS and just saying no for no reason at all.
The school holiday that's not massively major but I am expected to change most of my childs plans just because their older brother is visiting which in itself isn't fair on my child. My SS doesn't like to do anything where as my child like being outdoors and being active. My partner is saying if I go on holiday to visit my family far away (always been just me and my child) I need to plan it for all 4 of us and he is expecting my extended family to treat SS the same as my child. Also expecting my parents to treat him the same as my child. My parents have only ever met SS once other family have never met him. My family would make him feel welcome but I don't see them treating the children the same.
I find this idea hard to compute, had SS been a constant presence over the 16 years then yes as he part of the family but I don't feel he is part of family although I will always make him feel welcome and try to involve him in anyway I can.
So what I am asking is am I being an AH in my thinking I feel ever so lost and do feel bad he is still a child after all and none of this situation is his fault.
Your ss doesn't think of you
Your ss doesn't think of you as his mother I'm sure, probably doesn't even think of your son as his brother. Definately doesn't think of your extended family as his family. Why should you and your family be "obligated" into a role that is not natural, not reciprocated and has not been asked for.
I would sit down with your husband and tell him that of course you will work with him to make your ss feel comfortable and welcome and your family are (I assume) kind people who will do the same. BUT he cannot reverse years of his childhood spent apart from you all and expect an instant nuclear family. Tell him that his son doesn't want another mother, he wants a deeper relationship with his father. Tell him that you will make some reasonable accommodations for his son but that you expect him to take on the bulk of the parenting of his son while he is with you seeing as he is the bio parent.
Your DH has a problem
Besides being unrealistic about SS. But also not treating you with respect. It's your house too. You get to decide who living there. SS is 16 DH is responsible to parent him. You knew that when you married him. You knew that SS could move in....something happing to BM.
'DH treats all his children the same. He expects you to treat all the children the same.. you basically agree to that. ...Unfortunately other people ...as GP did not agree to that.
'SS wants to move in.. Not needs to move in... There must be a discussion, with notes in writing,, people get forgetful. On how this will work. SS is expected to go by the same rules as other kids in the family...He Must go to school, do homework, do jobs around the house.....as Keep his room clean, bathroom clean, If he breaks the rules he faces the same punishment as others. Get those punishment worked out is major important thing..Just because your kids never did X doesn't mean SS will do X. And the punishment for X is....,first time..second time.. Not DH thinks 2 hours in his room is a good punishment and you think he never alowed to come out.
'SS has to accept you as a authority figure you run the house . Not him, once you say something it's goes no discussion . He not moving in and taking over.
p.s. nothing said you have to like SS. He not your child. He has to earn your respect and liking. You have your bio kids only once in your life time enjoy time with them. DH Can deal with his DS When you do thing with your kids.
NTAH at all.
Your SO, oth, is extremely naive, over stepping, and way out of line.
First, visiting spawn integrate into the household and family they are visiting. Not the other way around. Second, your SS is not family to your family. He is your DHs child from a prior. Nothing more. That can cange, SS can become an integrted part of your extended family, but ... that is on your DH and on SS-16.
That DH is trying to mandate it.....
This is not a young kid. This is a proto adult. I suggest that you sit DH down, he zips his lips, and you tell him how it will be. SInce he has decided that he is dictating instead of discussing with you the SS-16 visits and trips to visit YOUR family.
There are some key points that DH needs. His teen failed family child will not move into YOUR home without some very strict standards of behavior and standards of performance that are clearly defined prior to the move. No need for any of it to be contentious. But... it has to be crystal clear and I would suggest that YOU discuss it directly with SS-16. Daddy, in all likelihood is incapable of having the discussion with the proper engagement and clarity. It is up to you... and only you. DH, gets no say on whether or not his older child moves in. YOu and SS-16 can likely work it out so he understands and the two of you can partner to minimize daddy's parental challenges and engage SS-16 at a more adult level than a kid lever.
SParents far too often, do not defend the bastions of their home, family, marriage, or protect their own children (if they have any) from their spouses baggage issues. IMHO, the unassailable veto in all things blended family is in the hands of the SParent and only the SParent.
Of course in equity life partnerships the veto may never have to be played if the partners are effective communicators, mutually respectful, and engage in partner level decisions effectively.
I do not envy you in this situation. Not one bit. From your description, SS-16 may be the only person performing at an adult level in that failed prior family.
Your DH is delusional. Does
Your DH is delusional. Does he seriously believe that he can dictate how other people feel about his son? What will he do if he perceives a difference in attitude? Throw a hissy fit? What happens if SS decides he doesn't want to visit your family? Your DH would be better occupied to worry about integrating SS into HIS family.
I agree with the others about rules, schedules, and responsibilities - as a member of the family, he doesn't get special treatment. This has nothing to do with not liking the kid and everything to do with respect and boundaries.
I would also insist on a trial period, just in case things don't work out. Supposing SS gets badly homesick? Supposing he has a hard time adjusting? Supposing he misses his friends? He probably doesn't have a clue about what moving to another place, living with other people, going to a new school entails. I'd give him the possibility of going back his mother's, but with the caveat that there will be no to-and-froing between households. He can come back once and then it's done.
First, I do think you
First, I do think you deserve to be in any conversation about how his son would be integrated into your home. I would have a lot of questions.. like.. does your SO really believe his EX will allow the kid to move? or will they end up in court.. where the courts are highly unlikely to change up custody so late in the game... I mean.. his son is 16.. and historically it has only been only a minor part of his son's life. I mean.. 3 hour drive is NOTHING.. and he couldn't manage to see his kid more? the distance might not have allowed 50/50 custody.. but he should have been able to do more frequent than 1-4 times a year.
I would say that while part of the discussion.. I do feel a parent has a right to be there for their child.. if things are truly horrific at mom's.. his dad should be able to have his son live with him.. but logistics of all of it.. are somethign you should be part of.. where does he sleep.. who will manage driving him etc..
The vacation thing is something that should be able to accomodate his son.. but I would have a more deep discussion of what exactly does he mean "treat him the same".. does he really mean he wants his kid to feel included as part of the family.. because he "IS" family to your husband.. and through you to your parents.. does he not want your parents to lavish gifts on your bio and leave SS out? make your husband put into words.. exactly what he means here.. it may not be as outlandish as it appears at first blush.