Why do you let your kids get away with things when you can see it upsets your girlfriend/(new)wife? :? Are you afraid of something or do you just not care?
Boils down to "blood is thicker than water." That's my opinion.
However it's a definite breakdown of the boundary line between parent-adult and child.
Very common are the standard mantras for a guilty daddy:
"I don't want to discipline my child b/c I don't get to see him/her/them very often" (you'll get to see them less and less often if they don't respect you)
"I don't want to spend all my time disciplining my child." (you wouldn't have to if they were taught correctly to behave themselves AND if you would set the BM straight on her PASing)
"I don't want to lose my child"
(once again, you will lose your child once they learn you are nothing more than a wallet and "yes" man to their whims)
I'm not a dad, but I am a mom who is remarried, giving her kids a stepdad.
My answer?
Maybe it isn't something that *I* think needs to be addressed with my kids. Sometimes the "new" partner needs to learn to just let things go.
Other times, depending on the nature, I will consider it and try to modify the situation some. Also, if the act affects my DH, that matters.
My husband does this sometimes, not so much where i am concerned, as much as how I think he treats his daughter who comes over on weekends differently from how he treats my daughter and our Bio daughter who live here. SD has always been able to get away with a little more than my other girls. He's definitely more of a disciplinarian with the girls who live here than he is with my SD. He just says that its because they live with us and he has more influence on them than with SD. (???) He's very good to all the girls but is more stern with my bio daughter and our bio daughter and they respect him a whole lot more than my SD does.
I've heard the "just let it go" argument before. But, the bioParent needs to understand how difficult it is for people in our situation to do that. My BF's daughter gets away with stuff and he shrugs it off like I'm the one that's crazy. And that drives me crazy! He tells me that he doesn't want to make the situation between them worse, but how can not setting boundaries and teaching her the law of consequences help her or the situation?
I've been told to ignore this, but it's getting harder and harder to do that. :?
I think it comes down to who the dad thinks they can risk pissing off the least. They feel like they can explain away things to wives but not the kids. The kids can guilt trip them or vote with their feet and walk away.
Kids have all the power and control in these types of situations. They can refuse to see their dads. They can claim to be “scarred for life” due to their parents divorce or being abandoned by their dads (no matter what the real situation is).
With my DH, he only has his boys 64 days a year and he keeps saying he's afraid he's going to "lose" them and they'll decide they don't want him in their lives. His parents divorced when he was 8, he barely saw this father after that and now rarely speaks to him. With the custody arrangement he has with his boys, he’s afraid that will happen with them - not because he’s a bad father (like his father) but because of the distance.
My DH is also afraid of being replaced, since his sons now have a stepfather who he is ultra-competitive with. He signed up to coach his youngest son’s football team even though he doesn’t have time, it’s an hour and a half way. I barely see him as it is since he’s working so much and now he’s gone all the time because of football. But my DH’s father missed most of his football games, now he’s going overboard trying to be superdad for his boys - no matter how livid I am about it. He tells me to just deal with it but he thinks his boys won’t forgive him ever if he misses a game.
When kids have only one place to live, they have no choice to to be utterly dependent on their parents. Think 100 years ago, a kid was fortunate for a roof over their head, a bed to sleep in and food on the table. Now, they have the ability to choose between two homes and make any demands they want. All the power is reversed.
When I did threaten to leave, I did see some action from my DH. But realistically, we’re stuck. We need two incomes to afford the rent. I don’t have health insurance through my job. Walking away really isn’t an option.
So, he does what he thinks he has to do to make his kids happy and not abandon him, and I just have to accept it. He can piss me off, but not them.
I am in the same situation myself as a stepdad. For me, my DW is unbelievably permissive (almost SUBmissive) toward her DD. Our situation has been steadily improving though. Anyway, with biodads, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the kids usually live with BM, and they think if they discipline their children, or set boundries, it will ruin what little time they have with them. There's also the fear that the kids will feel they are being replaced by the spouse/stepparent/SO.
Most S'kids also seem to think that when a bio-parent institutes or enforces rules it's because the step is pressuring them to do it. Whether or not that's true, they will regardless, throw it in BM/BD's face at every opportunity. As in: "you're only taking my phone away because HE told you to!" My DW gets that a lot from my darling SD.
Luckily most SMs only have to put up with the little shits on part-time (usually) basis. Now, imagine being a SD, and having to live with an ungrateful, disrespectful, spoiled, overindulged, underachieving, demanding brat with an enormous sense of entitlement, ALL week and most weekends.
Not a Bio dad, but I can
Not a Bio dad, but I can answer after being a bystander for 6 years now...GUILT over the divorce...Does it everytime.
Boils down to "blood is
Boils down to "blood is thicker than water." That's my opinion.
However it's a definite breakdown of the boundary line between parent-adult and child.
Very common are the standard mantras for a guilty daddy:
"I don't want to discipline my child b/c I don't get to see him/her/them very often" (you'll get to see them less and less often if they don't respect you)
"I don't want to spend all my time disciplining my child." (you wouldn't have to if they were taught correctly to behave themselves AND if you would set the BM straight on her PASing)
"I don't want to lose my child"
(once again, you will lose your child once they learn you are nothing more than a wallet and "yes" man to their whims)
I'm not a dad, but I am a mom
I'm not a dad, but I am a mom who is remarried, giving her kids a stepdad.
My answer?
Maybe it isn't something that *I* think needs to be addressed with my kids. Sometimes the "new" partner needs to learn to just let things go.
Other times, depending on the nature, I will consider it and try to modify the situation some. Also, if the act affects my DH, that matters.
Oh, and PS: I am NOT a guilty parent.
My husband does this
My husband does this sometimes, not so much where i am concerned, as much as how I think he treats his daughter who comes over on weekends differently from how he treats my daughter and our Bio daughter who live here. SD has always been able to get away with a little more than my other girls. He's definitely more of a disciplinarian with the girls who live here than he is with my SD. He just says that its because they live with us and he has more influence on them than with SD. (???) He's very good to all the girls but is more stern with my bio daughter and our bio daughter and they respect him a whole lot more than my SD does.
I've heard the "just let it
I've heard the "just let it go" argument before. But, the bioParent needs to understand how difficult it is for people in our situation to do that. My BF's daughter gets away with stuff and he shrugs it off like I'm the one that's crazy. And that drives me crazy! He tells me that he doesn't want to make the situation between them worse, but how can not setting boundaries and teaching her the law of consequences help her or the situation?
I've been told to ignore this, but it's getting harder and harder to do that. :?
and then you have entitled
and then you have entitled teenage skids running around YOUR home being disrespectful. Miss_Liz you have a guilty daddy on your hands too.
Its frustrating to have a parent literally say , I don't want to parent. It feels mean.
In my case guilt has nothing
In my case guilt has nothing to do with it. It really depends on the issue. To be honest I was never willing to change how I parent.
I think it comes down to who
I think it comes down to who the dad thinks they can risk pissing off the least. They feel like they can explain away things to wives but not the kids. The kids can guilt trip them or vote with their feet and walk away.
Kids have all the power and control in these types of situations. They can refuse to see their dads. They can claim to be “scarred for life” due to their parents divorce or being abandoned by their dads (no matter what the real situation is).
With my DH, he only has his boys 64 days a year and he keeps saying he's afraid he's going to "lose" them and they'll decide they don't want him in their lives. His parents divorced when he was 8, he barely saw this father after that and now rarely speaks to him. With the custody arrangement he has with his boys, he’s afraid that will happen with them - not because he’s a bad father (like his father) but because of the distance.
My DH is also afraid of being replaced, since his sons now have a stepfather who he is ultra-competitive with. He signed up to coach his youngest son’s football team even though he doesn’t have time, it’s an hour and a half way. I barely see him as it is since he’s working so much and now he’s gone all the time because of football. But my DH’s father missed most of his football games, now he’s going overboard trying to be superdad for his boys - no matter how livid I am about it. He tells me to just deal with it but he thinks his boys won’t forgive him ever if he misses a game.
When kids have only one place to live, they have no choice to to be utterly dependent on their parents. Think 100 years ago, a kid was fortunate for a roof over their head, a bed to sleep in and food on the table. Now, they have the ability to choose between two homes and make any demands they want. All the power is reversed.
When I did threaten to leave, I did see some action from my DH. But realistically, we’re stuck. We need two incomes to afford the rent. I don’t have health insurance through my job. Walking away really isn’t an option.
So, he does what he thinks he has to do to make his kids happy and not abandon him, and I just have to accept it. He can piss me off, but not them.
I am in the same situation
I am in the same situation myself as a stepdad. For me, my DW is unbelievably permissive (almost SUBmissive) toward her DD. Our situation has been steadily improving though. Anyway, with biodads, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the kids usually live with BM, and they think if they discipline their children, or set boundries, it will ruin what little time they have with them. There's also the fear that the kids will feel they are being replaced by the spouse/stepparent/SO.
Most S'kids also seem to think that when a bio-parent institutes or enforces rules it's because the step is pressuring them to do it. Whether or not that's true, they will regardless, throw it in BM/BD's face at every opportunity. As in: "you're only taking my phone away because HE told you to!" My DW gets that a lot from my darling SD.
Luckily most SMs only have to put up with the little shits on part-time (usually) basis. Now, imagine being a SD, and having to live with an ungrateful, disrespectful, spoiled, overindulged, underachieving, demanding brat with an enormous sense of entitlement, ALL week and most weekends.
Thank God I work...a lot!