Am I being unreasonable?
First let me start off with a little background. Our SD is 19 and just home from University (4 days ago), I say our SD because she is neither mine nor my BF bio daughter. Her mother decided she didn't want the burden of having a child to keep her in one place. They seperated when the SD was 15. Her bio dad sends her money every month but her mother maybe once or twice a year and we end up supporting this child that is not even ours. I also have a 9 yo son that lives with us(his father is a loser too). So now the reason for my post. Last night the SD walks up to her SF and ask's to have a friend come over, he tells her no, it's a week night and we have to work tomorrow and the 9 yo has school. She looks at him and says "well too bad she's already coming"...he says nothing :? I think whatever it's only 7, so I told her well that's fine but she has to leave by 10...no comment from her. Later on I hear her father telling her they can't make too much noise we have to work and the little one goes to school in the morning..I have 2 jobs and the following day(today) is one of the days when I have to work both. I have to work from 8 this morning until 9:30 tonight without a break. So once he tells her they have to be quiet when the friend is there I tell her that yes I have to work a 13 hr day tomorrow...she then looks at me and says "So?" OMG I could have smacked her. Ok so the friend is actually working and does not even end up at the house until 9:45 last night. I had told her that the girl would have to leave by 10...yeah ok like that happened. I left for work at 7:30 this morning and the kid was still there. I told her SF last night that he would have to tell her that she cannot do this during the week. Ok then he gets mad at me? Please!! So am I being unreasonable in asking that she not have people over at the house after 10 during the week? She's been home 4 days and I feel like moving out already. She runs the house no doubt about it. I try not to say much because it causes trouble between the boyfriend and I, but I'm not one to keep my mouth shut and just doing that is stressing me out. Any advice??
When you meet the friend
"Hi, how are you? Wow, I like your hair. Well, I have to get to bed now. Unfortunately, everyone here has to work tomorrow, so you'll have to leave by 11:00. I'm sure you understand. It was so nice to meet you. You girls have a good time. Goodnight." And if they wake you up just once after 11:00, "It's after 11:00 & you have to leave now. Have a nice night."
If the 19 year old wants to throw a fit, do not engage & refuse to listen to her or anybody else until she can discuss things as an adult. Until she starts acting like one she won't get treated like one. I learned a lot from my own stepfather.
Cajun Lady
yes thats right
cajun lady your right until she acts like an adult,she can not be treated as one. my dh has 4 kids by bm and all they want from him is money, only call on the first of the month after the bm has gotten the cs needing money for this and that. how can we regulate what the bms do with the cs? they don't spend it on the kids, because if she did they would not be calling every 1st of the month when he gets paid.
If only it was that easy!
Thanks for the reply Cajun Lady...I just wish it were that easy. I'd only get looked at and ignored if I tried that one...and then her step father would tell me to never mind it's not worth it to argue with her. Of course he has no qualms about getting mad at me for saying something to her. If my son was not still in school I would be packing my bags and going out to live at the cottage while she was home.:(
Well
My mother is the reactionary type, but my SF is the defiantly obsitinate type. I learned a lot from him, like how to be a stubborn ass (ok, I was already stubborn, but he showed me a way that was effective) & not give a rat's ass what everyone thought. And he refused to listen to complaints. However, he didn't have the politeness to go along with it, nor the open mind to listen to complaints until someone proves that they're full of crap. I developed that style all on my own.
I wish it were easier for you.
Cajun Lady
Awesome advice!!
So Diplomatic..heheh..
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
No worries there
No worries there! I am up at 6 in the morning to get ready for work. She insists on leaving her bedroom door open so we can look at the mess I suppose...so I insist on standing outside her bedroom door and talking very loudly to my son to get him out of bed LOL. If I think she hasn't heard my I make sure my 9 yo makes enough noise when I get him up so there's no way she's sleeping....I do have an evil streak
19 years old and having sleep overs?
Ok - I was faced with this when my 20 y/o step daughter moved back in with us. When she finished HS, instead of going to college, she moved back in with her Mom, and spent two years unemployed, living with her bf at her Mom's place. Amazingly enough - she got pregnant, and called us. BM wouldn't keep her, BF was unemployed, and so was she...
My DH is her biofather. We discussed SD moving up with us and what the rules were - one of them was no sleep overs.
So - one of the first things that happened was they ganged up on me to let SD have one of her girl friends spend the night. NO. My DH absolutely did NOT support me in a rule we had both agreed to. They actually sent in the GF to ask me and then ask me why. And so I told her. There is no room. I am not going to tell my SD who she can and can't have over because then I would be impling a judgement, so no - no one, ever. SD already got pregnant from too many sleep overs... BF isn't allowed to sleep over. BM isn't allowed to sleep over. NO ONE. One size fits all, end of discussion. (We don't have another bedroom, my SD shares her room with her baby, my DH snores like a band saw, and sometimes, I have to sleep on the couch, so there is truly no room.)
This is one of the first real gotcha's I had and sent me searching for this site - I was hugely upset. One of the responses was really great - what is she - 12? At 12 you have sleep overs. Wow.
I felt betrayed and blind-sided by my DH. And I continue to have to kick this young lady out at a reasonable hour.
Here's the thing. So far, this has set a good precedent - they know I mean what I say. SD's BF tried a random appearance to force the issue of staying over a few months back. My DH DID support me on that one. If that piece of crap shows his face at my house again, I'll have him arrested. They both know that.
It is your house, and your rules are reasonable - talk this over with your BF. Like Stepping said - he has to support you, and this is entirely reasonable. I had a heinous fight with DH when he pulled this. He seems to understand where I am coming from, or at least I am not kidding. You have to be able to be comfortable in your own house, and really - you know what you owe this young lady? Not a darn thing, including a place to sleep! She is an ADULT.
your house
Its your house so its your rules. You pay the bills, cook, clean, etc. If the 19 year old cannot understand that then she can find another place to live. My BS16 has friends over alot and all of them know during the week they have to be out by 8:30pm and on weekends it can vary. When I say out, it means out! If they don't respect my rules, they can stay home and not come to my house.
I would confront her SF and let him know you need to have a united front and rules are rules and they must be followed.
BS just moved in w/us as well
My son has been home 4 days and he is 21 but my FH and I sat down with him and gave him the rules up front. Guests are fine but they have to leave by 10a.m. We work 12 hour days and need our sleep! No drinking in the house, keep your room clean, pick up after yourself, etc. AND ABSOLUTELY NO SLEEPOVERS I am not running a hotel. I would be completely grossed out living with my FH and my son was having sex with a g/f in his room. I kid you not I would rip open his door and throw her out of the house. Nothing messes up my sleep! It's my house, we pay the bills, we say what happens in our house. He is only here for a couple of months to save money for a new place but I told him if he breaks any of the rules that i guess he will be putting his security deposit and first mths rent on his CC. Talk to your BF again and make sure that he gets it. You might want to point out to him that if she gets away with this her bf will be spending the night next. And don't you hate that men always seem to get pissed off at us when we are right???
correction
I meant 10pm!!!! LOL sort of contradicted myself there for a minute!
I agree with the others
If she doesn't like the rules, if she doesn't agree with the rules she can either a) get her own place where she can make her own rules or b) go live with her own dad.
I can't believe that you guys, who are not even related to this girl, have welcomed her into your home and she acts like she runs the place? EXCUSE ME, but who pays the bills? You are not being unreasonable by setting rules, and she needs to learn more about why it's not wise to bite the hand that feeds you.
Thanks everyone
Well I must say I've come back with a better perspective of all this. Thanks for all the great advice. Now I'm just waiting for her to try and pull it off again (insert evil laugh here). I've decided at the moment that I'm done walking on eggshells around her. I won't let my son get away with any of this crap so why should she. I think the main reason my BF doesn't tell her to get out is he feels sorry for her because her mother basically abandoned her. The girl is supposed to be getting a job because she's going back to University in the fall and needs money to pay for it....another reason he doesn't kick her out...so far all she's done is lay around on her ever increasing butt and eat everything in site. She's says she's 'waiting' for some place she wants to work at to call her. I told her if she waits too long she'll be collecting beer cans on the road side for money because she's not the only one looking for a summer job. I give her to Friday and then I'm putting my foot down on that one too....get off your lazy a@@ and get a job!!
SD
I don't get it. Why do you call her SD when she does not belong to either one of you. Why are you allowing this 19yo non relative to come into your house and disrupt your schedule on a school night or any other time for that matter? I believe in charity too, but when it moves in the house and takes over its time for charity to relocate.
SD
Well I refer to her as the SD because if I called her the parasite, like I want to, then I think my BF would have a couple of issues with it. He's been around her since she was about a year and a half old so he really does feel as though she is her daughter. Mind you he never did legally adopt her either. Anyway, I had a break last night because she played sleep over at someone elses house LOL