18 yo SS is ineligible for graduation
Two days before his graduation day, DH finds out SS is ineligible for graduation. He has to re-take his class during the summer and won't be walking at graduation. BM is still having the graduation party.
My issue is, that DH has not talked to SS. And probably won't. When it comes to our 15 yo son, DH is very strict and has very high expectations for him. When he gets in trouble, DH wants to strip our son of all privileges all at once (phone, tv, PS4, baseball, going out). But when it comes to SS he does NOTHING. He may say a few words, but it's always in a nicer tone and more with sympathy, but with our son it's an angry tone.
The background on SS is that he visits us EOWE. His BM and stepdad live on a 10 acre ranch and have always spoiled SS. He got his first car, paid for and nice, 2 weeks before he even got his DL (at 17 yo). He has had 2 jobs that lasted 1 month each before he got fired at both, for which I assume he dicked around and was lazy. SS literally sits 3 feet in front of the tv playing PS4 the ENTIRE time he is at our house (unitl 5 or 6 in the morning). He does not shower, brush his teeth or do any chores when he is at our house. I stopped harping on him to do all of that years ago and since he "faked" taking a shower at 17 years old because he was too excited to play a new video game and couldn't wait.
We are having major issues with our own 15 yo son right now who is rebeling and saying that his dad doesn't love him and puts too much pressure on him - all the while, he let's SS get away with everything. Doesn't even have a lecture with him to talk about not graduating. It's causing a lot of problems in our marriage.
He probably fears losing SS
He probably fears losing SS if he parents him strictly and BM isn't on board with that, whereas, with your son (who is DH's son, too, I assume), he knows you are on board with how he parents and the fear of loss isn't there. He can be strict, you will support him, and he doesn't have to worry about DS15 refusing to come see him, like he does with SS.
In a sense, your son is the lucky one, because he has a real father, though he won't see it that way for a long time.
As difficult as it is for
As difficult as it is for your son to see, your DH is being a much better parent to DS than he is to SS. He is failing SS big time, but that might be because he doesn't think there's a lot he can do EOWE to counteract what's happening at BM's house. You can't change how your DH parents SS. You can explain the situation to DS so he understands that the tougher treatment he receives is done out of love and concern. Do you think your DH is being inappropriately hard on your mutual son, or is it just in comparison to his treatment of SS. SS is essentially aged out - what are his plans for after he passes his class? Is he going to continue to come EOWE? I would hope he would become more of a non-issue now that he's an adult and should be starting his own life.
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I do see that DS is lucky to have his father around and that his father supports him. I do, at times, feel that DH is too hard on DS and that is really hard for me. I am strict with my son and hold him accountable. Funny thing is, DH thinks I'm too easy on our son, but has never said a thing about BM to SS. Supposedly, BM always tell DH how she is punishes SS and holds him accountable. It's true what you're saying, BM has always been difficult to co-parent with. It was always her way. The court order only existed when it benefited her. She made all the exceptions for herself and never for DH. I'm sure DH feels guilt for not being there for SS. She bitched when we were too involved, and she bitched when we weren't involved enough.
IF SS passes his summer class, he will go into the Navy in January. If SS can't pass the class during a regular semester, how the hell is he going to pass a shortened class in the summer when all his friends will be enjoying the summer break.
I assume SS will continue to come EOWE until he goes to the Navy. He loves coming over because he doesn't have to do anything but play his beloved video games!
My guess is that he's given
My guess is that he's given up on SS. My SS is 19 and DH wants to help him be independent, but BM works overtime to keep him dependent, which makes it very hard for DH to effect any change.
It's impossible for these fathers to have an influence when the crazy BMs marginalize them and take away any authority they have.
BTW, your SS doesn't sound like someone who will make it in the Navy.
I think BM wanted all the
I think BM wanted all the control and now that it's biting her in the ass, she wishes she had our help. Too little too late. I hope your DH keeps up with it and never gives up. Your BM will have her karma.
I don't think SS will make it in the Navy either. He will HATE it. He will LOVE bragging - that's his thing. SS has always bragged... my mom has a maid. My football team is undeafeted even though he was a bench player. My stepdad has a Mercedes. We have two horses. Blah blah blah! Yet, SS gets things handed to him by his mom, stepdad and life. I hate those kinds of people. That have not EARNED anything yet have almost everything.
Your SS sounds like mine, a
Your SS sounds like mine, a spoiled Mama's Boy whose father was not allowed to help him be a man. Mine thinks he's going to be a pro gamer at 19.5. He's never held a job, doesn't have his driver's license, and is completely and utterly dependent on BM.
I don't think my DH will give up, but I think the damage is done as far as SS's character goes.
The level of bullshit the
The level of bullshit the services will tolerate is extremely limited. He likely will not even make it out of boot camp much less make it to actually serving.
These are organizations that excel at turning young people into trained resources for the accomplishment of the organizational mission. What they do not do is tolerate failed parenting experiments... at least not for long.