13 year old step daughter
I have been in the lives of my step children for a little over 7 years. I have a 13 year old step daughter and a 9 year old step son. They are my life. I love them as my own children. In February their father and I split up and I moved out. Since then, I have been trying to stay in their lives as much as possible.
Recently, my SD went to her moms house for a week and now she hates me. She has told her father she wants nothing to do with me and that she wants him to move on. She says that I made her life a living h**l and that I wasted 7 years of her life. Now he has decided that we should cease contact. This includes contact with my SS who wants me in his life.
To give a little history. The kids lived with us full time, their mom lived 20 minutes from us but only spent about 8-10days a year with the kids. She did not attend any of the kids sporting events, school events, holidays, no calls on birthdays, nothing. This was by her choice. Since I moved out mom is coming around all the time and allows SD to do what she wants. She is her BFF now and I am somehow the bad guy. She is married to the same guy for 6 years. I had nothing to do with their separation and did not come into the picture until after they split up.
I will do anything for my family but her dad feels that he has to do what is right for the kids. How can he feel this way? How can he feel that a 13 year old knows what she wants and that she should determine the fate of the whole family. Please help.
why did you guys split up? to
why did you guys split up?
to be honest, hey arent your family anymore, and unless they all agreed, they werent in the first place. one of the heart-wrenching thinga about stepparenting is that in most cases, it isnt any sort of a family at all, no matter how long u were around.
the bm is saying bad things about u to sd and sd is staying on her moms side because, well, u arent part of the equation anymore, and most kids will lean towards who they deal with mostly. as far as ceasing all contact, i think it may be best, because ss will probably follow suit in time.
i would say u should cut your losses and move on. if u have any hopes of getting back with him, just keep in mind sd's mentality at this point, and also how their father is being as well. if he is willing to allow her to be this way and cease contact, imagine how hard it will be to get sd to change her feelings for u if u guys get back together. might possibly be more of a hassle than the reason u two split in the first place.
good luck hun, and while u arent really dealing with your steps right now, u can always come here for advice or to vent.
We split up because me and my
We split up because me and my SD were fighting to much. He didn't want to cause her any more stress. He feels that because she was given such a lousy BM that he needs to make it up to her. She has begged me to not give up on her dad up until when she went to her moms for a week.
As far as it not being worth it. They are. I would give my life for these kids. They are the only kids I will ever have. I have been there for them for 7 years and will never stop loving them, no matter how nasty my SD gets.
A 13 year old is going through an emotional mess and she doesn't know what she is doing. I went through the same things when I was a teenager. I love my mom but I was mean, disrespectful and selfish when I was a teen. I regret that now but I am so glad my mom always stuck by my side.
We were never legally married
We were never legally married so no chance for visitation. I believe that God will help work it all out.
My ex is not a bad person. He is an amazing father. He is just blind to his daughter. She is also not a bad person, just a selfish teenager who is unfortunately finally being given a little attention my her BM. I just hope that if things don't work out for me to be back in their lives that she actually stays in it this time. I would hate for them to have to go through anymore pain.
I will always love them all. If it is truly for the best (for them) that I stay away then I will but I don't feel that's the case. My poor SS doesn't want anything to do with his BM. He doesn't understand any of this and tells me every time he sees me that he loves me to infinity and beyond and that he misses me so much. This breaks my heart because I would do anything to be back with them.
I am going crazy missing them and just trying to figure out where I went wrong with SD.
Her father and I are strict and I had high expectations of her but this was only due to my love for her.
I wanted to add that I was
I wanted to add that I was the one that attended all school meetings, (mother's day teas, Christmas and Halloween parades at school, thanksgiving feast, etc.) I took cupcakes on their birthdays, set up their parties and all of the other things a mother should do. I also attended all of her dance lessons 4 days a week for 5 years, horseback riding lessons 2 days a week for 3 years and SS football practices 4 days a week for 3 years. I drove them to school each day and picked them up all while working. I do not say this to complain, I would gladly do it all again but I do want you to realize how big a part of my life they are.
I was not perfect though and don't claim to be. I was hard on her especially. I had a sister who became pregnant at the age of 13 so I was strict. I did not give her much privacy and I expected her help around the house.
I just want to know what to say to her to make her realize what she means to me. I promised her that I would always be there for her and that is a promise I intend to keep. However, at this point all calls and next are ignored by her. Her dad will not rock the boat with her. He thinks that I pushed her towards her mom by being hard on her and making her do housework. By the way, she has the same chores now that I have left.
I understand you were a major
I understand you were a major part of their lives. But legally you don't have any rights. The only chance you would have is if you and dh are on good terms then you could talk to him about setting up some sort of visitation. Or at least seeing if he would allow you to send cards/letters to them. At least by sending them letters they'll know you care and if they ever seek you out then maybe it would be more accepted by their parents. But to be honest, I don't think bf and bm want you in their kids lives. And if neither of them want their kids to have a relationship with you then you have to respect that. They are the parents. What I don't get is how you said everything was fine with your sd until one weekend she spent with her mom then came back hating you. However then you say the reason for your split up was because of sd. Doesn't make sense. If you still want to be in their lives then why didn't you just stay with Your bf?
Her and I would fight. She
Her and I would fight. She was being disrespectful and mean so her father and I decided it was time that I left. He felt that I was too hard on her and I felt that he was blind and only saw my faults. I left and her and I really started talking again. We both cried and laughed and talked about all the things that we took for granted. They were coming over a lot and I would go there and hang out while daddy was at work.
She was here the weekend before she went to her moms. Everything was fine. When she came back she decided that I was a stalker because I send daily messages telling her I love her. I always have. Then she said that she doesn't like me anymore and that I have wasted 7 years of her life with broken promises.
Her dad wants what is best for the kids. He will do anything for them including sacrificing his own happiness.
I do appreciate all of your
I do appreciate all of your advise but I will never give up on my kids. My faith in God and truth are strong. I will not waiver in my belief that those kids are in my life for a reason.
I don't know if their father and I will ever be able to be together but I will not give up hope. Most of all though, I will not give up on my kids.
My SF left when I was 11. He promised to not give up on us and to stay in our lives. He lied and I still feel the pain of that. I won't do that to my kids. Not even when they think they hate me.
Everyone is right. I was a
Everyone is right. I was a stepkid now I am a SM. The only people that REALLY ever mattered to me were my BM/F. Always keep in mind that blood is thicker than water. I am so sorry for your loss, I'm sure that it must feel as though someone died, and in a way they did, their relationship to you died and you were left with the realization that what mattered to you did not matter to them. I myself am revaluating my relationship with my SK's.
not throwing stones, but have
not throwing stones, but have you considered that continuing the relationship with skids was a way to keep you in the picture and possibly salvage your relationship with dh??
cut your ties and move on to the rest of your life! i do not mean to sound like i don't care, but nothing positive happens from beating a dead horse....
good luck on your brand new future!
You said your SF made the
You said your SF made the same promises to you but broke them and it was heartbreaking to you. How do you know that our parents weren't the ones that stopped that relationship too? I know ou care for them but it seems like SD saw you more as a friend than a mom with these sleepover and hanging out. And honestly, as a bm, if dh and I ever divorces and he got remarried, I'd think it was a little strange that their stepmom called MY kids 'her' kids. It' just weird to me how you 'won't give up on your kids' when they are NOT your kids...not even your stepkids anymore.
This is such a heartwrenching
This is such a heartwrenching situation...so much in fact that i'm crying because I can just imagine the frustration and disappointment you must be feeling. You've integrated yourself so deeply into their lives just to be ripped out. Your sense of purpose in a mother role is gone. I know you won't lose hope - but in the meantime, if you're not wanted, the only thing you can do is leave them behind and move forward. They will eventually see the error of their ways, but for them, depending on how long it takes, may be too late.
Good luck to you.