My Story
I found this website today by searching for the term "I hate my stepson". After reading quite a few posts, I feel comfort in the fact that there are a lot of us out there.
I am not here to whine. I guess I am just seeking words of encouragement, empathy, a dose of reality, etc. from unbiased, and unassociated, sources. So, first off, thanks for reading my post. I will keep it short an to the point.
My wife an I married on July 7th, 2013. We have been living together for 4 years now. My wife has 2 teenage sons: 16 and 18. They are both total pot heads, lazy, drive me completely crazy. My wife is very smart, has 2 college degrees, is incredibly sweet, courteous, and an overall wonderful person. She has been divorced from her ex for 12 years. Bio-dad became a meth addict after having his two sons, went totally off the rails, totally ***ked her over financially, and went to prison (the only reason I say that is to give you readers an idea of the 1/2 of the DNA we are dealing with here). He is a total, absolute, waste of oxygen, and I have not one once of respect for the guy (I cannot use the word "man" to define this individual).
Back to my story. My wife an I have only been actually married now a short time. 6 weeks ago, the oldest SS is at his grandparent's home visiting. I get a phone call from my father in law that my SS has been killed in an accident and that he needs me to tell my wife (his daughter). Then it was back and fourth between states for 2 weeks for the funeral and everything. It was the most horrible experience of my life and my wife is completely devastated.
Now to the present. Last night my 16yr old SS, who is under the delusion that he is some wannabe UFC street fighter, got in a fight earlier in the day. The cops show up at the house around 7pm and arrest him for battery, and for an outstanding warrant for battery from months back that my wife and I had never even heard about. So, he gets to spend the weekend in jail until he sees the judge on Monday morning.
I cannot stand the kid. I feel so sorry for him because of the loss of his brother and make an effort to let him know that I am there for him and his mom everyday. However, he has no respect for his mom, himself, any authority, or myself. I forgot to mention, he dropped out of school a year ago and has made no attempt what-so-ever to complete adult-ed or GED. He has failed his drivers test more times than I can count. He lacks even basic reading, writing, or math skills required for even the most basic of jobs. I am to the point to where I don't know if he is just being an asshole, or if he has a real mental problem.
Like I read on a few posts on this board, I try and avoid interaction as much as possible and hide in our room simply because of how irritated he makes me and how painful it is to watch someone make every bad decision imaginable. I am getting to the point to where I wake up in the morning and wonder to myself, "What the **ck am I doing!?". I don't want to feel like the only reason I am staying with my wife is because I feel sorry for her situation. I love her, but all of this has sucked all of the emotional energy out of me and I feel like I have lost my sense of myself and my own life.
Any advice?
Thank you again.
Thank you for the reply. We
Thank you for the reply.
We have not had him tested. I have great insurance through my company, so there is no excuse why we have not done so yet. I have previously had the belief that these "conditions" are just excuses for bad behavior. However, I am really starting to think there is something deeper at work in him.
Where do you start though?
I was thinking about talking to the judge, once one is assigned to him Monday, and asking them to recommend rehab for him to get off the pot, cigarettes, and whatever prescription meds. he is popping with his idiot friends.
Welcome. I hope you find
Welcome. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful perspectivce from others who are living the blended family dream.
My condolences to you and your wife on the loss of her son.
I understand losing yourself in a challenging marriage and relationships. In my case that is what happened to me in my first marriage. Fortunately I got out of that without any children to tie me to that nightmare.
My DW and I married two weeks before my SS-21 turned 2yo. We have had a very great life together and other than some toxic crap from the SpermClan that we have had to deal with over course of the 17 year Custody/Visitation/Support court order we have had a good life as a family.
As for your 16yo deadbeat. I would suggest that you work with your DW to get him in to a resident behavioral treatment program or emancipate him and get him out of your home. At this point at 16 if he has dropped out of school he has made his choice if you can't get him in to a behavioral program it is time to file for emancipation. Leave him in jail for as long as you can.
If he wants to be a big boy then it is time for him to be an adult and step out on his own. How he does that is not your problem and should not be his mom's problem either.
IMHO of course.
You have provided an accurate
You have provided an accurate observation, but I do not know what to do.
He does need help...maybe
He does need help...maybe make him an appointment (of course with his mother's help) for a psychiatrist to help determine if he needs counseling or to take some assessments and so on. Do it now, trust me, don't wait. We did and now, well that's a long story feel free to read my posts on my drug addicted SD19. Anyways if there is something emotionally or mentally going on, mixing drugs with that is only going to make that worse for him UNLESS you get on it now. He is going through a lot with out a father and having his father be on drugs like that. I think there is a combination of emotional issues going on mixed with drugs. So work with the judge and also make him a psychiatric appointment.
Another thing though, he is 16 and you say he dropped out of school? I thought there are laws that he HAS to be in schooling and cant make that decision until he reaches the age of 18. Get him back into school, tell the judge that and the court will order him into school. There are tons of options now days, regular school, alternative school, online schooling..ect. He needs to be in school. I would suggest regular or alternative school because otherwise when they are doing it online they tend to have too much time on their hands. My step daughter bounced around her whole high school career when we were going through our hell (still are going through hell but she lives on her own and is an adult so its easier now). She went from regular, to moving to a new district not too far from us, to online school, to alternative. She was very close to GED but made it through alternative and got a high school diploma. In my opinion: I think my SD did better in regular school because it went all day long and she was around better people. In the alternative school she was surrounded by trouble makers and they were all her friends and still are. But it was our only choice at that time and at least she got that diploma so when she pulls her head out of her ass, hopefully soon as she is pregnant, she will at least have that diploma.
Welcome to the site! It has helped me greatly as I have hit a very bad spot in my life and when I have no one, these people are there. Take care and God bless!