I agree with the posters who say that your wife is trying to get you to replace her son's father. Like the others have said, I would keep your feelings about your SS to yourself. Maybe the reason you feel the way you do about your SS is because you resent the fact that his father is not there to handle his responsibilities, i.e. CS.

You don't have to love your SS, but maybe in time you can care for him, the way you would a nephew, or the child of one of your friends.

It's interesting to note that one of the reasons you don't like your SS is because you say he has no imagination and all he does is watch TV all day. Hmmmmm, who was it that sat him down in front of the TV all day? The same woman you choose to have children with.

Maybe if you stop trying to see the father's traits in your SS and start trying to see some of your wife's traits in him, you might actually be able to enjoy him a little more. Also, you and your SS have something in common that you will not have with your daughters - baseball, football, soccer, woodwork, auto mechanics, motorbikes, fishing, camping, etc. etc. - get the picture?

It's not too late to start developing a relationship with a boy that just might benefit from a male role model.

Don't tell. Military school - whip his ass into shape.

Even I have never come out and told DH that I don't like his son. I don't hate him but he's just a pathetic drunk bum. What's to like?

All DH has said is that he wants to be "accepted". I have no clue what that means and haven't bothered to ask. I do not forbid him to come over - but I don't invite him either.

If DH ever pushed me about how I felt I would never claim to have feelings for him. SS (drunk one night) wanted to talk to me and tell me that he loved me. I sort of mumbled I love you back - but I sure did not mean it. Sort of like when some old aunt that you don't know says I love you and you just parrot it back.

What have you done over the past seven years to help him be a different person? All I see is putting the sins of his father on the kid. Not HIS fault your wife chose a loser to be his Dad. That is on HER.

Of course, you *could* snag kiddo and involve him in stuff that interests you. You might find he's actually interested. But has felt your hatred of him. He's 9. He has had you in his life for 7 years. What have you done to make him feel welcome in your life?

And frankly? You have NO idea what your 2yo princesses will be interested in. You don't get to dictate that. Whatever you expect of them? I can almost guarantee that at least one will knock you for a loop.

Please don't compare the little boy to his "loser" father. He probably will have some traits, but most traits can become a positive or negative. You could greatly influence him at this stage of his life. Try training your mind to see this child with compassion- as one who only knows you as his father. Fathers are important. Your behavior will have a greater imjpact on how he turns out than his biological father. Don't prejudge him. Be his father-you can do this with kindness whethter you love him or not and actually grow to love him, but you will poison your own heart against him if you keep comparing him and picking apart his habits. You could be his hero or you could turn him against you and make all your lives living hell in a few years. Kids are very intuitive and sensitive so try to discipline your thoughts and become more positive towards him.

meegwell, I am struggling with this issue as well except I have 2 stepsons. I entered their lives early and tried to be a father to them, but their interests and mine just did not converge. I saw them as the by product of their father and not mine so that has not helped the situation. It's really become a huge issue in my relationship with my wife. She constantly brings up the point that I do everything for their physical needs food, school and after school activities, but that I do not give them emotional support and treat them coldly. I admit I do not love my stepkids. I find them annoying at times and bearable others. I do not abuse them in anyway, I just don't interact with them that much. They're obedient kids, but they're not from me so they don't have any of my traits or interests which has made me indifferent to them.

I think you should tell your wife how you feel!! IF SS is a pain in the ass now, and nothing in general is done, he will turn into a giant piece of crap and will blame you guys for not raising him. I think everyone who touches a kids life is supposed to help them not turn out like crap, I don't see your job as helping kids get through life... it's about setting them up to be great. IF SS needs his bed made... tell him what to do, the same way you would tell your girls! Who cares if ss or your wife gets mad, you are protecting him from becoming a loser! IF your wife and SS lived with his father, sounds like SS would be heading straight for the un-emplyment line, at least this way he stands a chance with you. Show him how to be, tell your wife you only want him to turn into a great man, she will respect your honesty, maybe not right away, but she will respect your for helping turn her son into something great!~

Too many people let their kids get away with everything, and it takes someone to break the cycle.

I suppose I sit the fence on this one. I have no biokids. I have raised SS-20 as my own since he was 1yo. His SpermIdiot is a worthless POS who has never paid a penny in CS though SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa paid every penny owed under DickHead's CS order.

I do love him as my own and would hope that if my wife and I had spawned a kid or two together I would still love the Skid as my own. Adoptive parents do it so I suppose Sparents can do it too though adoptive parents are not generally saddled with having to deal with the reinforcement of the toxic portions of their children's gene pool by regular visits with the genetic cess pool. In adoptive families nurture can overcome nature more readily because the bioparents have little to no contact with the child.

However, I also get how you dispise the traits that your SS picked up from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. On many occassions I have struggled with those same feelings towards my SS.

I will encourage that you continue to be dad to your SS. If he turns out like my son (SS) he will eventually recognize that you are the only true father he has ever had and he will be far more like you than his SpermIdiot. My SS at 20 has accomplished more to become a viable adult of character and honor than his entire SpermClan combined. He has completed 2yrs of a 6yr USAF enlistment, is halfway through his BSCS and does not need his mommy (or I) to support him. Unlike his SpermIdiot who is 43, lives in his mommy and daddy's rental property rent free while SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa raise his younger three also out of wedlock spawn by two other baby mamas in their home with no help from DipShit.

Of course you can not love your son (SS) just as you love your three girls. You do not love all three of your girls exactly the same either. Every kid is different and each kid is parented differently even in intact initial families. My own parents treated my two younger brothers different than they treated me. I am their oldest. In many ways my mom and dad and I grew up together. They have told me many times over the years that I taught them how to parent and my younger bro's owe me an eternal debt of gratitude for being mom and dad's lab rat of parenting.

I do not believe that my parents love my brothers any more than they love me, or me any more than they love the younger two. However, we do have different relationships because we are different people.

I think if you realize this you may find it easier to give your SS what he needs which is different than what your DD's need.

With my SS, it took me a while to realize that it was not the kid that I detested but the behaviors he inherited from his SpermClan. Once I realized that, I could hate the behavior and still love the kid. Though it was a closely run thing upon occassion.

Good luck.