Blended Family with complex needs
Hi everyone, I have only recently joined and have already benefited from the countless threads of challenges and advice. I am hoping someone can advise me on my situation, although I can appreciate my limitation on words and thorough background may not be enough, but please ask and I will try my best.
Been married for 2.5 years. My 3rd marriage and DH 2nd. A little background; My previous exDH were both ASD, I have 7 children, 1x ASD F23 and HF. and 2 x with ADHD M25 and F12 but both are mild. I have only have the 2 youngest living with us FT F12 ADHD and 15F. My DH has ADHD and on medication and pro-active about improvement all the time. He has 2 sons, 13M ADHD and 15M ASD ( on brink of diagnosis after I have been pressuring him for it). originally when we married, the boys were living with their BM, who I also predict has ASD but will never admit it. After the first 6 months of our marriage, their BM kicked them out bec she didnt want them to see their dad and obvioulsy his new family. ( Also like to note the 15M refused to see me for 4 months before he was kicked out so we have not had a chance to build rapport, bec his BM talked negatively about me and told them the boys if they live with me and new sisters, they will go to hellfire (yes she is extreme in her religion).
So for the first 6 months it was just me and my girls and my DH. things were building slowly and we moved into his place. Then suddenly the boys came on a Monday morning after their BM kicked them out and since then they have lived with us FT. My DH obviously felt relief that they came with us bec he had missed them terribly and wasnt getting much access to them when they lived with BM. DH assured me that 15M was no problem and just quiet and give it time. Very quickly i realised he may have ASD and i had many conversations with DH about his oddness and annoyance as he was annoying my girls and me, copying whatever we did, not using basic manners, and would get really upset if things werent distrubuted or given out "fairly" and lacked basic ettiquette etc....
fast forward...last 6 months, the boys have been seeing their BM every sunday for the day. That has been a relief for me, my DH is still adjusting and trying to plan family acitivites the day before now before the boys go. I have worked really hard as I am sure you will all understand in helping to adjust the family to the new family, but an additional effort has been put in to support the boys bec i feel they have not had good parenting from both bio parents as they spent the last 16 years together and apparently it was always toxic and full of arguing. i am not an arguing person, i am a counsellor by trade so i try to utilise my communcation skills and listening to help find solutions. but i am no angel either. i find myself really resenting the fact that I did not expect the boys to live with us and have complex needs. i knew my husband had adhd before we got married, but i did not know about his sons challenges. before we got married and i met DH i will agree with 7 kids already i had my plate full and i envisoned my new marriage to be an extentsion of my happiness, however i am feeling like i am constantly needing to sacrifice my own time ( which is limited) to trying to build this family and support and put up with the boys challenges. my DH himself can be a challenge as anyone with ADHD partner will agree, but i feel to have another ADHD and ASD in the family without the interventions they could of benefited from a younger age is missing.
currently my DH and BM is in courts trying to figure out a final order of custody. i am wishing she does have them more as i need the break, but i feel like i cant say that to my DH. and i will agree with him, when they go to the BM, they are even more heightened and overhwlemed when they return.
I would like to note my DH is very proactive in discipling all the kids, he can be a little extreme as most with ADHD are, but we often compliment each other in those areas. he always seek advice or consults with me about the parenting and we try to support each other all the time in these matters. my dh at times, feel like i treat my girls a little betteer than the boys and i agree to an extent, but i feel the girls have slightly more privalegdes because they are more responsible with thiings and can be trusted, unlike the boys who often lose items, damage items, need constant reminders to do a daily task and will not have intitative to clean up or help out unlike the girls. they respect their dad and me to an extent, but my DH is the authoritarian figure more. if the boys disrespect me or the girls, he is the first to pull them up on it and i appreciate it.
i am feeling like, i know the answers, either i create more compassion and change the way i view this, or i simply express how i feel to DH and then i feel guilty that i dont want him to feel like he has to make a choice between me or the boys. We both work FT and have demanding jobs, i just dont think i was prepared for this change and responsibility.
thanks all for those that took the time to read. any advice will be appreciated.
I don't know how you do it
My 3 SKs moved in full time, unexpectedly, too, so I understand how overwhelming it is to integrate kids into a family. That made 5 kids here between 9 and 15. But, I wasn't working full time like you are and I wasn't dealing with the existing conditions like you are. I don't know how you do it.
I wish I had a quick answer for you. Your DH sounds supportive. I think one dark moment for me was my DH suddenly having to travel 4 days a week that first summer. It really hit me than that it was just me, my 2 and the 3 SKs every day 24/7.
Is there any way you can cut back your hours for awhile? I'd suggest counseling which helped me a lot but you are a counselor yourself. Are there support groups for the boys' condition?
When you say you weren't prepared for the change and responsibility, that is just exactly how I felt so I can totally empathize with you. I'm 80 now and the "kids" are in their 50s and 60s. One thing I learned was going through this with DH made us much closer than if we hadnt.
Life throws us these curve balls. Good luck to you and welcome!
Suggestions
Since you can't cut back on work, is there anything else you can do to lessen your load? In those early years when things were so intense, I cut myself some slack on the house and hired a cleaning lady. I cut back on other family obligations. If any family member had offered help, I wouldn't have but everyone else had full plates, too. I'm not a ball of fire so any extra time and energy I had, I either used on myself or spent more time with DH. I'd say my life changed when the 3 SKs came FT but our lives do change at different times in our life. This change was "I have 5 kids now" all of a sudden.
Thanks JRI for your response.
Thanks JRI for your response. Both of us have recently moved into our new job roles as our common goal is to buy a bigger house for us. Which meant both of us had to sell our properties in the last year which made us both very anxious and nervous in doing so and making that commitment at the very least. now with current housing crisis here in Australia the pressure to be able to purchase something decent is becming slim.
I am glad i found this forum, it already has helped alot. I am looking for an online support group for myself at this stage i think would be mor flexible for me.
i think part of the issue is that my plate is already full with my other children, and i was not prepared and do not think long term i will be able to cope with additional high need children without some support from both DH and their BM which is very unlikely from her side because she lives in her own world as well.
i really dont feel like my husband intentionally hid the boys challenges from me, i think he just didnt have anything to compare it to and kept himself busy at work when married to their BM just to avoid the drama and high stress in that marriage.
But i cant shake this feeling like i am doing the pick up of parenting from the lack of their own mother and this makes me feel resentful, especially knowing she isnt willing to step in. we have curved their gaming online becuase they have an addiction to devices but still these little annoying things that are daily reminders to give them i can get so fustrated with.
wishing i could see into the future and predict what the next few years may look like if i stay but feeling really pessimistic unfortuantaly and i am naturally an optomisitc person.
thanks for reading
Your primary obligation is to
Your primary obligation is to provide your children a safe home to grow up in. If you don't see that happening here, it may be necessary to figure out how to live separately...
Unfortunately, love is not enough, and you need to think of long term probability of your kids and his needing to be at home post 18.. will they launch? and how long would that take.
It's tough, because, I know we all want to feel that we deserve to be happy, but sometimes the happy we want to choose is unhealthy for us or our kids.
Thanks ESMOD for your advice.
Thanks ESMOD for your advice. I really think I needed to hear that sometimes the happy we want to choose is unhealthy for us. In the past two years we have been together, i have noted my baseline mood drop, i dont exercise as much as i used to, i find we regularly have disagreements in which we will both be figuring out how to best parent moving forward. i am grateful that i have learnt some postive things from him and i am sure he will say the same. But i cant shake this feeling that my DH got the better deal in this marriage then me. I am managing the household, allocating the tasks to the kids of course, doing all the planning for groceries and managing the kids and any appointments due including the budget. Of course, he is weak in these areas, but more helpful outside and fixing things. I am finding myself growing a huge amount of cancerous resent to the situation. i could envision just my DH on his own can be a handful but i do love him. But to take on his two boys with needs i was not expecting, and frankly cant seem to accept it.
i am now starting to track the frequency of our disagrements and the topics raised. so far we have had at least 4 disputes in the month of December. I will review in the next 3 months the tracker and start to consider a trial seperation.
any other advice is greatly appreciated and welcomed.
thanks
When you married a person with kids
You have to be prepared for having the kids 24/7/365. Things happen all the time.
Thanks Harry, yes i think
Thanks Harry, yes i think when I have been reflecting on my reasons for feeling the way i feel, part of it is becuase i dont feel well with the idea they will be around for years to come. I think the 15M asd will have significant troubles being independant and having relationships. Then i also fast track in my mind their potential children and supporting the next generation and i am not feeling good about that to. It seems the older i get, the more quickly i grab my intuition and run with it.