This is a tough one. I understand your dilemma. Do you not let her off the hook at the game by saying "Hello!!! SD, yoo hoo I am here, be polite and reply when someone says hello"

Or do you just shrug it off and move on.

For me it depends on my mood, the Skids attitude and the phase of the moon. I other words, sometimes I act the adult and ignore it and at other times I call the Skid on the rude behavior.

It is unlikely that this attitude is of her making. It sounds to me that she is trying to protect BMs feelings.

Good luck.

Best regards,

Yeah the old PAS loyalty thing. Somehow it is crossing boundaries if they say hello to SM, but not when they say hello to the mailman...

Go figure.

I use the tactic, like many others here, and in front of BM: "I do not know where she gets her manners from; can you say hello SD?" It is really quite effective when BM is front of our adult peers. BM says, "Yes, SD... mind your manners."

Does she ignore you if you speak to her when she's with her mom or does she just not iniate conversations? I think there's a difference. If she's just less talkative around her mom, I wouldn't say anything. Let her reach a comfort level and see that you and her mom can share the same space in that regard.

If she completely ignores you but only when her mom is around, I say it's ok for you to talk to her about how that makes you feel. If she continues in that manner.

Unfortunately, this is part of being a SM. It doesn't matter how good you are to them, in front of Mommy Dearest they will not say hello or acknowledge you in any way. To acknowledge you equals siding with you over their own Mommy. I know if I were to run into SDs in public with their Mom, they would not say a word.

I deal with this on a normal basis. My SDs used to not even say hello when they entered our house until my DH put a stop to that. Now they (all the Kids) have to say hello when they come in. It's just basic common courtesy in my eyes.

We are custodial. I see my stepkids every single day. They see their mom a couple of times a year. I know they love me. No question in my mind. But if I happen to be around when they see their mother, it's like I cease to exist. And my stepkids are older...17 and 14!

On the other hand, my bios are totally comfortable being affectionate towards their stepmom when I'm around. I really think it's because they know they have my permission to love her. I think my stepkids have been conditioned to believe that if they love me, they are being disloyal to their mother.

I wish I could say it doesn't bother me anymore. But it does. I'm not going to confront them about it. I know it must be really weird for them. Like I said, I know they love me.

It hurts when ignored. This sometimes happens to DH the BD when the SD comes over. thankfully, the ss is more even-tempered. I think it is OK to ask for the respect of a "hi" but if it is because they don't know how to behave or if bm will get mad, then it could be a lot to ask. Maybe you can ask her next time you have her over.

Stepmom849, SD is so afriad to not please her BM. She has not been given the permission to love another. Let me give you a good example.

My ex remarried, I had custody of my girls but I knew my oldest was definately a hard one. I gave SM the permisson to disapline my daughters. I expected my daughters to obey and respect her and I told my children they had 2 moms. I gave them my permission to love her. When they came to me and complained I never sided with my children but I did try to help them understand where she was coming from. My exhusband wife and I were able to talk, we never fought, it was good.

On the flip side my 2nd husband had custody of his sons who I raised from 5 & 7. BM told me on our very first conversation that I was not the boys' mom and to not think I was. She was demanding and hateful, she did not want to make things work, she was trying to be hateful and wanted the boys to hate me. So they knew they couldn't love me, she instilled this tone of disrespect in the boys that their father would not address. It was bad.

Today my daughters are 25 & 29, SM and bio dad divorced but they still see her as their SM and have a good relationship with her. Boys are 26 & 28 and have completely disconnected from the family, blaming me for everything.