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Need Advice!! I am new here, and seriously confused.

dookeydoo's picture

I am completely lost on if what I am feeling is normal or am I over reacting i dont know. We have had full custody for two yrs now of my SD who is 11 yrs old. I have been her SM since she was 5 yrs old. Her BM has a perscription drug problem that started about 3yrs ago. At first my SD was very angry with her BM and didnt hardly ever want to go see her, but when her BM remarried and had a child my SD would go over there to see her new baby sister. Her BM is remarried and my SD did not care for her new Step Dad at all. Me and her were close but not super close. Her BM made that very hard for us to get close. The BM has now been arrested three times total for drugs, this time she is serving a small amount of time. I have pretty much been the mother figure to my SD for about two years now. She is very involved in sports and I get her to and from and do anything and everything she asks of me. I and others feel like I do provide more than her BM has been the last 3 yrs. My SD is very close to her BM's mom (SD calls her mimi). Me and SD's mimi use to be close as well, but not anymore. Anyways getting to the point. I have exhausted myself to earn my SD love and I know she does love me she has told others. I tell her everyday I love her and would never get any responses maybe a smile or a "OKAY". I went to her BD about it becuase she has come to the point of forgiving her BM and doting on her when she visits her in jail. SD always feels her mimi up with the i love you's and what not. Her mimi is hardly any better than her BM they do nothing for her no support and mimi pops an occasional pill here and there to just not around her granddaughter. So her BD talked to her and explained to her she doesnt have to be afraid to come to me and open up to me and ask me things or tell me things or whatever. I even wrote her a note telling her the same and how much I loved her. She finally came around and started telling me she loved me and telling me about her friends and what not. But the moment she goes to her mimi's house so they can make a visit to her BM this stops. I tell her I love her and I get a thank you. My SD is very closed off to me and I dont know why. I dont hardly get on to her I talk to her. Its like she will come around one week but the next its like we are starting all over again. I am so completely frustrated and exhausted I dont know what to do. I feel almost like I am competeing for her love and friendship with her BM and mimi. i want to give up but I know I cant. I know I am not her mother and I am not trying to be. But I have been there more for her than her own mother so why cant I get the side of her that they get.

hismineandours's picture

Oh, I feel so sad for you. You ARE competing for her love with the BM and the "mimi". And you will lose. Always. My ss's bm is a total shitbag-excuse my language-she has also been in trouble numerous times for various substances, pays no cs, and hasnt seen him but 3 times in teh last year or so. My ss is 14-I've known him since he was 1. I was his primary caregiver from 1-9. He moved in with bm until 13 and now he's back with us. Where I care for him on a daily basis. He spent alot of years "hating" me. Those years he was with bm. Now, that he lives here again he realizes he can't afford to "hate" me as that would lose him a lot of privileges. So the treatment I get really varies. Some days he doesnt acknowledge my existence. Other days he seems to seek me out to tell me things about his day. I never know what to expect-but he ALWAYS cares for his mom. ALWAYS. He spent 300.00 on her at xmas. On dh and I? He spent 0.

This little girl has a bond with her mother that you cannot duplicate. It is unique and special in spite of the fact that her mom is a pos. you are also a sure thing for her. It sounds as if you've been a steady, consistent part of her life for a number of years. She is not worried about losing your love and approval or you abandoning her to lead a drug filled lifestyle. On some level she may also resent you for being such a superior mother to her own bm. Heck, you make her look really crappy. Your sd may find herself caring for you and loving you and then she thinks of her poor loser mom in jail and feels guilty for not being more loyal to her so she gives you the cold shoulder. It's a complicated issue. The one piece of advice I would give you is just to stop worrying about it. Keep being yourself, keep doing the things you are comfortable with-but I would drop the expectations that she is going to show her love like she does with her bm. My guess is that the child knows what a great person you are, but it just may not be comfortable for her to express it.

dookeydoo's picture

THANK YOU SO MUCH!! That is GREAT advice. You hit the nail on the head. Its like there are days she can go without speaking a word to me and then there are the days she is telling me everything that is on her mind and I might even get an I Love You. But EVERYTIME she sees her mimi or BM and she comes home I have to start over again. Its exhausting. And it stinks that my fiance (SD's biological father) has no worries with my biological son who is 9 yrs old. My son will run up to my fiance with open arms anyday. BUT my son's biological father passed away when he was 15mths so my son has never known another dad other than my fiance who has been in my sons life since he was 3. And we have had our arguments about my SD becuase he will never understand where I stand. But I am lucky that he does eventually get my point and understands why it hurts me and he tries to communicate between me and my SD. But then I get the silent treatment from my SD for even going to my fiance for help. its a no end situation. My SD can be the kindest sweetest little girl and she hardly ever gets in trouble, and she is a great student. And it sucks that I have to work for her freindship or love with everything I already do for her. And her BM or mimi do nothing but harm and hurt and still get the best of her with no effort. But I will take your advice and stop worrying about it. But do I stop saying the I love yous even when Im not getting anything in return at times???