Am I asking too much?
I live with my fiance. The last of my 3 children just graduated high school. I love this man dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have an awesome relationship. His kids and I get along great. My issue is that I feel all of our free time is controlled by his ex and he becomes upset when I try to talk to him about it. He just tells me things will work out but I have been living with him for almost 3 months and nothing has changed. His ex wife has custody of their 3 boys (15, 13 and 8). Every week day after he gets off work he picks the kids up from school and they stay with us until he receives a text message from her telling him he can take the kids home, usually around 7 or 8 that night. Every Saturday morning we get up start our day and wait for the text message from her telling what she has planned for the day and when he should pick the kids up. The kids stay the night and then on Sunday morning we get up and wait for the text from her telling him when he should take the kids to her. If she decides she wants to work out or do something extra later in the day on Sunday we get the text message asking him to come get the kids so she can do what she needs to do and then later she text telling him to take the kids to her. He is supposed to have a couple of days a week without the kids, but that never happens because it doesn't work into her schedule. He never ever tells her no, even if we are doing something it comes to an end early so he can get the kids if that's what she needs. So we live life around her schedule and needs 7 days a week. Not to mention he is expected to help her with car maintenance, when she can't control the kids in her own home, pay for extras when he already pays child support. He thinks I'm selfish because I say there should be set days and times for visitation and if she needs someone to watch the kids outside of those times it is her problem. It has nothing at all to do with the kids being at our home. It wasn't always like this. While we were dating we had lots of free time together, now that I have moved in with him I feel like my free time is controlled by her and that my fiance and I have no time totally and completely free. And he allows this to continue. I've asked to at least have every other weekend kid and ex free and he doesn't even want to ask her to try and work this out. I know in time if things continue to be this way I'm going to become very resentful and as much as I love him, I can't see spending the next 10 years of my life like this. Should I be looking at this differently? Am I selfish? If I truly love him should I just suck it up, bite my tongue and forget my needs? What should I do?
OMG that would drive me nuts.
OMG that would drive me nuts. Every single day??? No that's not selfish, that's called being in control of your life. Not letting others control you like your SO does.
I get irritated not knowing what weekends they are coming. Our schedule is typical EOW, but sometimes they come on non-scheduled weekends.
IF you want to continue this relationship, your best bet is to live separately until the skids are out of the house. There are people on here who do that. I wish I had.
Ditto This^^^^^^^!
Ditto This^^^^^^^!
Oh my word. Can't they set
Oh my word. Can't they set some type of schedule and stick to it? Yikes, waiting on a text message from BM EVERY day?? You're so patient.
Thanks guys! I have really
Thanks guys! I have really began to wonder if I asked for too much because he becomes so upset when I bring it up. He tells me I just can't be happy and that he wants to be happy all of the time. He says I need to be adult about it, suck it up and be happy with him. I can't do that and I feel I have been patient long enough. I guess now I'm at the point where I need to move on because it's obvious he is not going to change. I really appreciate everyone's responses!! Thanks!
Men find it hard to stand up
Men find it hard to stand up to BMs. Especially if they were controlling and selfish during the marriage...it becomes habit that is hard to break. This man may have a lot of wonderful qualities, and perhaps his accommodating nature and kind heart will be better suited to a relationship with someone less selfish like you. it sounds like you love him a lot and he is very lucky to have you. There´s the positive. What you have to do is to make him understand that you are going to be there 100% for him with his kids, and that you are willing to compromise a lot to be with him - but that you also have needs. you are NOT being selfish. HE is beign selfish because he is expecting YOUR life to revolve around HIS kids and their BM. You have to tell him he has to put YOU first, over the BM, and that while you are happy to have the kids whenever, it is fair for you to request a schedule so that you can plan some time for yourselves. If he refuses to do this, I think he needs something to shock him into seeing what he is doing. you sound like an accommodating and thoughtful person, and people like that can often be taken advantage of.
Janmom stop this now because
Janmom stop this now because it will only get worse. How did your bf had free time for you before you moved in, and no time for you now. You are not being selfish, he is. Perhaps he wants his children full time, good for him, then he needs to discuss this with you first, and if you agree he can then set up a visitation schedule for his ex. That way at least you would have free time when they are on visits to her.
I am so sorry for you, I understand that you love him, but love needs to be a two way street for things to work. Love is mutual respect. You are not being respected her and his ex is taking advantage of both of you with his approval, he has no right to allow her to take advantage of you.
My biggest mistake in my situation was allowing it to go on, thinking that in time things would change, well after 8 years things have changed all right, I have told my adutl step daughter she can no longer come here, my husband presently does not see her or her newborn, and he is making it clear that he blames me for that. My expectation is that things will change again, but it will not be another 8 years, I will allow him enough time to grieve over this, but if he continues down this path - then the marrige will be over.
All of this could have been avoided had my husband told his 29 year old daughter to shut her smart mouth the first time she opened it. However he did not. Your bf needs to stop this now, if he doesn't then you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel, tell him what you need, and what you want, if he can at least meet your basic needs then maybe you can work this out if you are happy with that, but if refuses then let it go now because it only gets worse don't make the mistake of thinking it will get better when the kids get older because it won't, once they get old enough to start expressing their opinions, chances are you will find yourself the butt of their anger after you have given them your love for several years. I sincerely hope you can work this out, but you really need to act quickly, things will not just WORK THEMSELVES OUT. You and bf need to work them out. Good Luck and Best wishes.
My heart goes out to you. The
My heart goes out to you. The BM in my life trys to control everything we do. Luck for me my DH is hard headed and will not do something just to make her happy if it doesn't make sense.
Your relationship must come first. A hard concept to get with blended families in times of drama/crisis. I recommend the book "Stepmonsters" (forgot the author) it really opened my eyes to putting my relationship 1st and why the men in our lives do what they do.
Good luck.