Is three a crowd?

Forums:

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years and I have a 5 year old daughter (from previous marriage). My daughter has known my fiancé since she was a baby and really has only memories with me and her not me and her mom. As a toddler she would flip a switch whenever I'd go get her from her grandma or the sitter and act like it was so bad but I knew she was smiling and playing just moments before. My fiancé and I have had to go through some really bad times when she pulls her stunts at our place. She breaks stuff and is hateful and mean and tells my fianc that she wishes she would die! Lately she just keeps slamming door and banging things down on counters and tables. My fiancé cries all the time because my daughter is so great with her when they are alone it turns her switch when I enter the picture. She acts nice when she's alone with me too. She doesn't start doing crazy stuff unless we are both there or she wants some sort of attention. It's driving us crazy and I wonder if this relationship is worth my daughter happiness. My fiancé is getting put in overload and can't seem to handle much more of my daughter going tantrum so I usually take my daughter and leave the house but fiancé doesn't like that either. I don't know what she expects me to do but if I have to choose then I choose her and maybe start looking at relationships later when my daughter is older. She obviously needs me and doesn't like my fiancé and never had. It's not my daughters fault that I chose to be in a relationship and she shouldnt have to be around someone she doesn't like or a person that is always frustrated with my daughter. How do I get my fiance to understand that we will probably not work out unless my daughter can get onboard too? Aren't our kids the top priority? I don't want to see my fiancé hurting all the time because I love her and I don't want to be with anyone else but if my daughter doesn't make her happy then why would she want to stay with me anyway?

I didn't have a problem with

I didn't have a problem with anyone in my family. My folks have been married for 57 years. I don't know what she's going through with a new parent or why she has insisted on hating her. How could I know that if I haven't lived it.
What I do know is that I don't get to spend much time with my daughter because I'm expected to react and discipline her breakdowns. I just want her to be happy and healthy which she obviously isn't when it comes to my current relationship

I'm not talking crap about a

I'm not talking crap about a toddler I'm just looking for answers about my child. I want to spend time with her and not feel like I shouldn't because of how she acts. I don't feel guilty for wanting to let all her issues go and look the other way so I can have a few moments of peace and we both get what we want. She is only small once and I will never get any of this time back.

My 4 year old screamed that

My 4 year old screamed that he hated me today. He stomped, threw himself on the ground, and cried for Daddy, Grandma, & his teacher to come save him. Wanna know why? I told him it was naptime and he didn't want to take a nap. He hates naps. The school lets him stay up so why does he have to sleep here?

My son is only small once. He is my firstborn and I still can see the baby I nursed when I look at him. And I took the precious time I had today and sent that normally sweet child to his room and kept him in there until he was quiet for an hour. Because my job as a parent is not to give in for a few moments of peace. My job is to love him, guide him, and raise him to be a happy successful adult. And I won't be doing that job if I let him get away with tantrums because hearing that he hates me breaks my heart.

If you are consistent and you are loving the tantrums will slowly taper off. If you give in, they will continue and continue growing. I have lived it with SD11 and DH. I cannot imagine what a terror she would be if DH had given in to the same tactics that SD11 used when she was 5/6. I can tell you there would be another broken marriage. SD used the same tactics you are telling me your daughter uses. It is pure, childish manipulation. All children go through this phase. Manage it or you will regret it.

You're right. I still see my

You're right. I still see my baby as a baby and I always will. If she can't get what she needs from me then who will she get it from.

What exactly do you think she

What exactly do you think she needs? You all to herself? That's not healthy.

Why? Why is it a bad thing

Why? Why is it a bad thing for someone to want to feel loved and important all the time? Don't you want that too, everyone does

Ok, seriously I'm starting to

Ok, seriously I'm starting to think this is all a big joke to you. Get a therapist.

In answer to your question, because COUNTLESS studies have proven that children NEED boundaries and discipline for their minds and spirit to grow strong. They DON'T feel loved when they get their way all the time. They feel loved when there is balance. There is a difference between love and obsession, and I'm really thinking you are obsessed with your daughter rather than loving her. You are DAMAGING your daughter. Get off the online forums and find a parenting therapist to help you deal.

So I have to spend the small

So I have to spend the small amount of time I have with her just discipline and shunning while her mom and her go out and have fun and bond because she figured out daughter out. But me I have to put her time out for the few days I have her and it doesn't stick so she comes back in a week and pulls the same thing over and over again. Would that work for you?

I'VE LIVED IT WITH SD11!! I

I'VE LIVED IT WITH SD11!! I KNOW HOW CRAPPY IT FEELS TO BE THE MEAN ONE! I've seen it on DH and me. And guess what? It got better when he parented. Since you are so unwilling to be a parent, let your fiance go and stop arguing with strangers on the internet when you so effing clearly don't want to put in the hard work.

I DO discipline. I yell, I

I DO discipline. I yell, I spank, I take things away, I do time out! My problem is that's ALL I've been doing and NONE of it does a damn thing! That's my problem. I do everything you say I don't do and it's not changing anything so why keep doing it and miss out on my kid for discipline that's not working.

Then get a therapist to tell

Then get a therapist to tell you the same damn things we are telling you. SD11 has a therapist. Has for several years. DH asked her the same question you are saying now. Her answer: Keep going, you are doing the right thing. Even though it's hard. You will see progress eventually.

JUST this year, SD11 has been improving. We've had 6 long YEARS of dealing with this. Add in BM telling the kids that Daddy doesn't love them anymore, they are terrible kids, Daddy is mean, Daddy stifles your creativity. Also BM being the fun parent because the kids are allowed to make decisions at her house and her version of discipline is "Kids you made me sad." BM telling the therapist that as a "single mom" it's too difficult to discipline. 6 years of this and now BM is crying at the therapist's office because the kids won't listen to her but do listen to DH.

If you really think this discipline isn't working - find another style of discipline. If you give up on discipline entirely, be prepared to be alone the rest of your life, and your little princess developing plenty of not-so-princess-y attitudes.

6 years is a long time. I'm

6 years is a long time. I'm sorry for all this I'm just ready for this nightmare to end. I guess it's more about them growing into understanding than me expecting discipline to just work (like it did I was a kid). Honestly, thank you for that.

That's why I keep suggesting

That's why I keep suggesting a therapist. Better if you can get your ex to agree to allow your daughter to go also, but at the very least you go. The key is being flat honest, even with yourself.

If you think it's intolerable now, how bad will it be when the hormones kick in? Cause believe me - it gets worse. SD11 is developing and my oh my do we have mood swings. And SD11 had a breakdown just a couple weeks ago. Screaming, punching walls, kicking, I hate yous, and YOU HATE ME, and the worst I WANT TO DIE! Over 4 hours of it. Next day we had a completely normal, sweet little girl who jumped up to help her little brother when he spilled his juice. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been without the background of non-tolerance of tantrums.

Do you explain to your SD when she is calm why she was disciplined? Do you point out that she missed out on time with you due to her tantrum?

Since you have been letting her get away with the tantrums, by picking her up and leaving (giving her what she wants) it will be even harder to break the habit. It worked for her before so she will fight tooth and nail to keep her power. You have to be strong. Explain in terms she can understand why what she is doing is wrong, that you love her too much to let her get away with it, and that you want what's best for her. If she wants alone time with you, she must learn to ask appropriately. There's nothing wrong with parent child bonding, but it cannot take over your life and it cannot trump other relationships. A child's NEEDs come first but WANTS need to be balanced for the whole family.

Edit: And so we're clear - wanting a Daddy-Daughter date every weekend is not a NEED. Not wanting you to have a relationship is not a NEED.

Thank you for sharing that

Thank you for sharing that with me. Yes I do talk to her after she is punished to make sure she knows why but she shows nothing and says nothin. Always! No thoughts no expression no nothing just blank stares lately and silence. She doesn't seem to care one damn bit. Thank you. I am beyond desperate and tired. Tired of her mother planting seeds in her head tired of fighting with my fiancé and tired of my daughter punishing me and not caring about how she treats people. Her mom will NOT let me take her to a therapist and my mother has been throwing around the word sociopath which fits her personality and traits in a way that scares me to death and makes it hard to breathe. Thank you for not just telling me that I'm wrong and have to try something else. I am on my own and I just pushed away the last person willing to actually help my beautiful fiancé

Is your daughter in school?

Is your daughter in school? If so and she acts out at school, you may be able to file a motion with the court to force BM to let you take SD to a therapist. DH was originally against therapy since he saw it as excusing the behavior instead of dealing with it. BM got it court-ordered, and our experiences with it changed DH's perspective and mine on therapy.

Yes she is in pre k and they

Yes she is in pre k and they love her. She does well there and has never had a single complaint. I hear no complaints from BM or even my fiancé when it's just them. The truth is my daughter must hate me. How is she great and obedient and kind everywhere and comes to our place and just lets it all hang out. I want the relationship with my daughter that everyone else has. You know what, I'll be just fine without my fiancé. I love her but we obviously can not be compatible. I want a bond with my kid and I'll take whatever she throws at me because she is my only child and it is my job to care and provide. Thank you for the advice but I don't know why I was looking for answers here. I want a relationship and she clearly won't budge so I'm done. I would rather be a great single dad rather than a bad married dad. I'm not missing out on my kid. Good night all.

I may be able to get the court to order a therapist but BM will make my life a living hell in so many ways and who knows what she will have my child say in therapy. She's that damn sick I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree but oh well that's what I have and that's what I'll deal with. If my fiancé and I were meant to be then she wouldn't be the obstacle. She did nothing to deserve it but she is an obstacle nonetheless. I can't have them both and not having my daughter is not an option so the decision is made for me.

So this is you, giving up on

So this is you, giving up on being a parent. Congratulations. I feel sorry for your ex and daughter, and relieved on behalf of your ex-fiance. She dodged a bullet here.

I DO discipline. I yell, I

You sound very like how my DH

You sound very like how my DH was and your DD like my SS. My SS was doing all the things your DD does when he was 4. Everyone thought he was a perfect, sweet little young man. He was a total shit when with DH and I at home and we had him (still do) full time except for random visits with his BM (now passed away) and grand parents. It didn't matter how much time SS spent with DH.. he always wanted it to be 100% of DH's focus on him. SS never had to go to pre school or day care. He came to work with us every day.
All the disciplining went ignored by SS, nothing seemed to work and it was just miserable being around him. SS was abnormally possessive of his time with DH. SS would get jealous over everything and act out or seek revenge. We got a dog and SS hated the dog so much that we would torment the poor pup when he thought nobody would see. To this day SS (now 6) still hates the dog and still does dumb tricks to get DH's attention. He doesn't care if it's positive or negative attention, so long as he disrupts things and gets any attention he is happy.

DH was/is very inconsistent with parenting and flips from being SS's parent to SS's buddy out of guilt. I have disengaged as I was just wasting my time and energy. The lack of consistent parenting is the root problem. Now that SS has started school DH is starting to have to deal with his lack of parenting by having notes sent home about bad behavior and having to get called into the school for SS being involved in incidents with other kids in his class. This is probably just the start of many years of SS getting in trouble and not being able to behave around others. I'm pretty certain it is because SS has always been the center of his DH's attention and world and SS now believes that he is some extra special little snowflake.... when in reality he is not extra special and just another person like all the others.

Pretty much everyone in SS's family (both DH and BM) don't seem to instigate time with him anymore. His paternal grandmother is the only person that will occasionally ask to see him. All other family members just see him by change at a family gathering etc. SS by being spoilt and pampered has turned into a kid with no boundaries.

You may think all this is

You may think all this is "silliness" but I am out of options and I want everything to stop! If you can't help me get my fiancé to understand how hard it is to yell at my little girl all the time then you can't help me. I love my daughter and I want her in my life and happy. Now not only does my daughter not like my fiancé but my fiancé told me this morning that she isnt happy and can't feel any sort of love for my daughter. What future comes from the person who I am suppose to be with telling me that she's already maxed out on my daughter? She won't be an adult for another 12 years

My mother (who desperately

My mother (who desperately wanted me), used to tell me all the time that I am her daughter, not her friend. Until we are grown, we are not our parents' friends. It is our job to raise them, and children thrive with structure and boundaries. All of these comments are telling you that you need to change your parenting techniques to raise a successful child. If she is acting like this at 4 or 5, it will only get worse and you will lose your child as a teenager because she will be out of control, and too big to handle. If you love your child, you will need to control her now. If you are consistent, it will not last forever.

Another point: no woman, even if you have the sweetest, most perfect child, will EVER love your daughter the way you do. If you expect that, then you are better off alone. If your fiancee wants to stay with you even though she doesn't particularly care for her (for good reason), then this woman really does love you.

And yet another point: If you don't try to find a way to control your daughter and you don't break it off with your fiancee, she will end up losing respect for you and it will end anyway. You really need to seek professional parenting advice/help if you don't feel what you are doing is working. This is about your parenting, and not your fiancee.

My SD was 15 and told my DH (then just BF) that she didn't want to see him if I was there. DH said fine, you miss out on the activities we had planned, and I will see you when you adjust your attitude. He did not allow her to rule. He loves her, but he is the adult, she is the child. Kids don't get to choose their parents, and also don't get to choose their parents' new spouses if there is a split. FYI, 10 years later and SD25 and I get along fine.

Ok, may I ask a personal

Ok, may I ask a personal question the? How long were they separated before SD changed the behavior? How did DH feel having to reject his kid? He may have acted hard and tough but chances are he was hurt and hated doing the to his daughter. She's only 5 I can't reject her. Her mother will use that as an opportunity to just rip her away for good.

DH didn't see SDthen15 for

DH didn't see SDthen15 for probably 3-4 months when she started throwing the fit about not having him to herself. DH didn't feel anything. He did not waiver on his decision at all. In fact, when it happened, he didn't discuss it with me first. He told her she doesn't have a choice, and later told me about it. My DH is very tough, and has no regrets about his actions.

I can understand being upset about a 5 year old, but it's actually easier and quicker to teach them when they are younger than when they are teenagers. Maybe speak to a professional about how long you want to keep the separation. My DH simply waited for her to come around. He didn't cut off communication with her, but he did not let her just hang with him alone. He continued to invite her to different things we were doing, but until she said yes, they simply did not see each other.

Children grow up and move on to have their own lives (if you're a good parent). You will be alone in 13 years if you allow your daughter to dictate your relationships. She is the child, you are the adult. She does not get to choose your partner.

Ok then thanks

I'm not looking for attention

I'm not looking for attention I'm looking for answers. I've been on 6 different forums looking for answers and get everything from "wolves will raise your kid better than you" to "your child is your only responsibility and anyone who disagrees does not deserve to be around your child"

And yes I do feel guilty. She is obviously telling me that she doesn't get enough time with me and everyone seems to agree that it's my fault and I shouldn't be tending to her need to feel secure and lived unless it's on my terms. She has no rights to express her needs? Is she suppose to be able to express herself clearly like an adult to get what she needs? That's not going to happen at age 5 and she doesn't do it anywhere but at our house so she is lacking time with me obviously I just do t know when it will end because it seems like enough is never enough with her

Dude - google therapists

Dude - google therapists dealing with parenting issues in your area or, even better ask your daughter's pediatrician for a recommendation. Schedule an appointment. GO. Best solution for all concerned.

I just wanted to know would

I just wanted to know would your daughter feel guilty and bad about you dying alone. No wife to be your companion when she is out enjoying her life and hasn't called you in a month to say hi and how are you dad? You never know what will happen in your life, you may have an accident then finding a wife later will be much harder when you get older.

The issue here boils down to you. You can put up with your daughter being unhappy with some aspect of her life (I.e having a step mother) and she can still have many things to be happy about in life (I.e having a dad that loves her and cares about her and provides for her) or you can continue to put the blame on your daughter for basically calling off a engagement and hurting a woman whose only crime was loving you.

Either way when she gets older and says 'what happened between you and *helen* and you tell her that she did like her as a step mom she will feel immense guilt and self hatred for being a reason for effecting two people's lives without her knowledge. She is a child right now and when she is older she will be angered by the fact that this blame will be there and that 1. You didn't put you foot down and say wifey is staying and that 2. That you didn't parent her enough to accept and open her heart to another person.

This is easy, start parenting

This is easy, start parenting your child and stop condoning her behavior, there's nothing wrong with marching her little butt to her room and give her time out,

Teach your kid to respect your fiance and that as the other adult in the house kiddo has to listen to fiance.

You are crating a monster, when that little girl is 15 she will be full on brat, stop the behavior now or you will loose your fiance

Guilty daddy much? This kid

Guilty daddy much? This kid is playing you like a cheap hooker. You are the cheap hooker by the way. You are allowing a 5yo to govern your life and jeapardize your relationship. Where is your man sack dude? Put your hands between your legs, grab a big handfull of giggle berries and man up. Please. This little girl needs a true and quality example of a father and a man and being guilty daddy is failing her and any partner who may make the mistake of choosing you at any time in the fuure if you don't resolve your issues.

Put your foot down, establish reasonable standards of behavior for your daughter, enforce the standards 24/7 and bring consequences. 5yo is old enough for a spanking when necessary and from the sounds of it your daughter will need them regularly in order to connect her brain to the consequences for her choices.

Lather, rinse, repeat .... daddy.

Good luck.

I am married to a man who is

I am married to a man who is guilty daddy who has a very spoiled 15 year old that is a master manipulator. If she doesn't get what she wants, she will throw a temper tantrum, be mean to whomever is around, beats the crap out of her brother and smile sweetly while doing it. She managed to run off every other woman my husband dated before me (we have been together almost 9 years), she was 2 1\2 when her parents divorced, so if you think for one second that your daughter isn't playing the game already, you are sadly mistaken. If you get rid of your fiancé because your daughter just wants you all to herself, you are teaching her that it is ok to behave in that manner and she will continue to pull that same stunt for the rest of her life and you will wake up one day and wonder, what the hell happened?
My suggestion for you is to not let a 5 year old become the adult in the situation and stop being her friend, she has friends, she needs a father to guide her through the next 12 years to become a responsible young woman who has respect for not only herself but for others as well.

You are here