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Self entertaining

Kay2's picture

My BF has a five yeaer old daughter, that CANNOT self entertain herself. I watch her all day from about 9 in the morning to about 4pm. He tells me yesterday that he wants her to watch "less t.v" grrrrrr. Putting her in front of the tv is the only time that I get a break. I have read about issues self entertaining with toddlers, but not five year olds. She doesn't want to do anything if someone isn't playing with her. We just got her back from her mother (out of state) for the school year, she was with her mom for almost nine months. She has her mother there, a 15 yr old brother, and 14yr old sister. As well as a family friend with two girls living in the house. So she is used to having people around ALL THE TIME. This is driving me up the wall! What would be a good way to encourage independence in her? How do me make her understand that there are only two of us here, and having her on top of us all day is wearing us down?

WindX's picture

What does her day look like from 9 to 4? How about after 4 when her dad gets home?

I think it's unrealistic to expect her to entertain herself the whole time her dad is away. But I also think that you can do things to facilitate her becoming more independent so that there are longer breaks in the time she needs face to face interaction.

TV is fine in moderation but it sounds like your bf feels she's getting way more tv time than she should be. I'd suggest you spend time with her but also give her activities where she'll get used to being independent gradually. I used to babysit for my sister on a regular basis. I would give my niece things to do like coloring books and play-dough or puzzles. When she wanted to talk and I didn't have much to add to the conversation, I'd let her choose a book to either "read" to me or I'd read it to her.

5 doesn't seem to old to need constant supervision so I don't really agree that she should be able to entertain herself, especially when that is not what she has been accustomed to after the last 9 months.

If you feel that she is too much for you, maybe your bf should make other childcare arrangements. I wouldn't find it acceptable for a person responsible for my *hypothetical* pre-school aged child to tend to herself the majority of the day. Actually, I'd find it strange as a grownup if the person I spent the majority of my day with didn't want to interact with me.

I hope you can find a happy medium on this issue. Maybe looking at it from her perspective would help you bridge the gap?

steptwins's picture

Forget about reading a book huh? That used to take up so much time... Now you have to force 'em to read 1 chapter a day. Instant gratification is the problem as I see it. They don't like to wait or work for something. They are special.

Kay2's picture

Windx, I never said I expect her to entertain herself all day. On an average day, we get up and around about 9am. We go outside, Spend a couple of ours playing ball or whatever, about 11am we usually go to the pool, we get back anywhere between 1pm and 3pm. After that I do expect to be able to tell her to go play in her room for a bit. Does that still sound unreasonable. I don't feel like I should have to engage with this child every waking hour of the day, and that is exactly what is happening here. The dynamic that she is used to in her mothers house isn't possible with only two people to entertain her.

My first post might have sounded harsh, but I engage with her for the majority of the day, and still cannot even get an hour of quiet time.

DaizyDuke's picture

My goodness, I have a 7 month old and think he is more independant than your 5 year old! Does she take a nap? what about educational TV like Little Einsteins or something of that nature for a short period of time so you can have some "you" time? While I love spending endless amounts of time with my baby, I do have things I need to do as well, so I use his nap time and Baby Einstein time to get laundry, dishes etc. done... It sounds like you are spending ALOT more quality time with her than her father is (no offense meant.) I think he should be thankful for all you do rather than worry about her watching TV for short periods of time.

WindX's picture

Thanks for providing more detail. If she's only watching TV for a limited time, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I don't think she's too old to need constant interaction though.

When's nap time? lol

mx4's picture

My SD is exactly the same way - except the situation is reversed! Smile She is the only child of her BM (who is single, so there are only the two of them in the house), and the woman has no other life than her daugher, so she constantly plays with her, takes her out for treats, gives her snacks, etc.
In our family, we have 4 other kids (mine), but the SD is so used to being the center of attention, she is trying to be that in our household, also. She just goes from one person to another and asks them to play with them. And a lot of times they do. But sometimes they are busy, or just don't feel like playing with a 5-year-old (they are older), and she just absolutely can not entertain herself for even 5 minutes! Oh, and she doesn't like TV! She just always wants someone to play with her. ALWAYS!!!

qtpie568's picture

Sports!! Soccer is a good way to get kids involved age. All sports teach discipline and team work. And she gets to around others.

Kay2's picture

I almost think it would be easier with another kid around to play with her. Or if I could clone myself 3 or four times over that would be good. There is also no nap time (far too hard to get her to go to sleep at night.) BM lives in California, so hopefully seeing as we have her for the entire school year we can get this behavior turned around. Encourage some independent time......or I can just go crazy...LOL

qtpie568's picture

You should really enforce nap time. If it's that difficult just put her in her room and tell her you will play a game with her in an hour if she goes to sleep.

moeZy99's picture

My ss9 is the same way! We have to force him to play by himself, somehow. Then I will find him standing there, staring into space! After a while, he will start to play and imagine but he would much rather be playing video games or watching TV. We don't allow TV in our house (commercials) but we do watch a lot of TV shows & movies online. We are all guilty of that here. Kids are being spoon-fed entertainment, not using their imaginations enough. I think if you help surround her with several playing options & toys, give her boundaries and then just basically keep positively forcing her back to the play area, she should eventually start to get the hang of being alone. I was totally opposite as a child. My youngest brother was 4 years older than me and we lived in a very rural area. I was alone much of the time and my mother spent all of her time with housework & cooking/baking for 9 people. Needless to say, she could not play with me. I also did not have much TV time as a kid. I had no problem playing by myself. I just think it is a learned skill, if you will. Your bf's daughter will learn this skill when she becomes bored enough! It will be difficult at first to have to keep redirecting her to play alone but I really think it will pay off in the near future.

SPCAMutt26's picture

My SD5 is the same way, she asks what you think she should do like she is used to being told what to do and has a hard time making a choice for herself. I offer her options of things to do instead of watching TV (she will sit for hours and watch the same movie over and over if you let her). She has a time limit for games on the computer. My suggestions that work for me are play dough, puzzles, playing outside with bubbles or sidewalk chalk, painting, coloring...pretty much anything creative to get their minds working. If I'm home with her I'm usually busy doing chores and most of the time she is willing to help me with them or I play a round or two of a board game she likes then continue on with cleaning. Just have to get creative a little yourself and find things they like to do.

alwaysanxious's picture

My SO as a 15 year old daughter who can't entertain herself. Wish I had advice for you.

qtpie568's picture

TV is not the option. It only encourages a short attention span.
I recommend trying to find something that she can get involved in. If she's used to having people around then she's probably lonely. Does she know how to swim? Try swimming lessons a lot of YMCA's offer them, or see if there's a little kids sports league that she can join like soccer. It would help wear her out which would also give you some alone time. It will also help her find new friends and remove that lonely feeling that she has. Bonus, she will probably love you for getting her involved in something fun.

Not only is she having to adjust to you and her father who she hasn't been around in nine months, she's also having to adjust to a different place. That could easily cause her to be clingy. Patience is a virtue.