My fiance does not allow his 10 year old to grow up!
Forums:
Help! I am going to be married to a wonderful man in a month. He is 62 and has a 10 year old son. He totally babies his son. His son just learned how to tie his shoes, cannot use a knife, and is coddled. How to I approach my fiance without making him upset? It is my fiance that needs to cut the strings, but he thinks that by doing everything for his son, he is showing his love. HELP!
I agree with previous post.
I agree with previous post. You need to point out to your fiance that it is never too soon to start equiping his son with the skills he will need to become an independent adult. This isn't going to happen if he does everything for him. A father's job (more than a mother's) is to cut the strings of dependency, not foster them. He needs to show his love by teaching his son life skills.
I agree these guilty biodads
I agree these guilty biodads never ever seem to change and as Mentioned below it will cause horrible marriage/relationship ending contention.
He probably just kept buying
He probably just kept buying the kid velcro shoes.
My Dh is somewhat the same way, but not to that extreme. He didn't support my efforts to teach skids to tie thier shoes in first grade. Thought I was just being too tough on them and being unfair. Said he was ten or twelve and his mom still tied his shoes.
Both skids have learned the attitude that everything it too hard, and they expect it to be done for them. The simplest of tasks have to be forced upon them.
The Behemoth kept buying
The Behemoth kept buying Prince Hygiene velcros. And VD used to literally stick her feet out at age 9 for daddykins to tie her shoes for her. Oh and GG would jump up and cut her pancakes for her at age 7!!
This is only the beginning.
This is only the beginning. It will become a MAJOR bone of contention in your marriage. Before you do anything (like marrying this guy) check out this list:
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.
If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.
Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?
Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.
How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?
There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.
Does he have custody? If not do you know you could be responsible for CS should he become ill if you marry him?
I intend to do what I can
I intend to do what I can when I get my freedom back to see that no woman ever walks into stepHell with her eyes closed.
Friends don't let friends become stepmoms.
Yes to all 12 except he never
Yes to all 12 except he never said I hated his skid - just became nasty if I ever suggested he perhaps could please correct his kid once in a while. Notice this is past tense as you know we broke up over this skid and his anti parenting. I'd like to know if any guilty biodad ever went from these 12 Steps (pun intened) to actually one day becoming an actual parent? And why no one but step moms ever have the guts to call out guilty biodads and try to talk some sense into them?