Kids Who are Violent
I am looking for resources or others who have dealt with violent teens. For the 2nd time in 2 months, the BF was attacked by his 14 year old son in our home. Left bloody lips and a big goose egg on his head. I was hit in the cross fire. The son lashed out because he couldn't find something in his room (within 3 minutes of walking into the house from school). Nothing would stop this teen from attacking his dad. Dad tried being calm, tried talking calmly, tried walking away, tried being loud and scary, nothing helped. The son kept coming after him with fists. Broke things in the house. Yelled at the top of his lungs obscenities that were awful. The cops came, but said pressing charges would do no good as he would be out in a few hours. The child has recently been found with drugs.
What resources are out there? Where can he turn to get help? We are desperate. The BM is of no help and just indicates to the son that it is the fathers fault (though I witnessed the entire episode) and that is just inconveniences her schedule.
Are there other dads out there who can offer advice to us?
My sister does this. PM me
My sister does this.
PM me if you would like information on how my parents how it. She has what they call "episodes." The last one took my brothers and I restraining her until the medics got there and she was admitted to a psych ward. Her "episodes" happen when she is off her medication.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
This kid is upset about
This kid is upset about something. I just got a book "Because Life Goes On... Helping Children and Youth Live with Seperation and Divorce" from my local health clinic. I'm Canadian and so is this publication so I don't know if it is available everywhere but you can look and see.
At 14 anger issues can become worse then ever. A kid that age is "expected" to understand and deal with their problems so when a problem arises that they can't deal with they are often left with only anger to show. This outlashing probably had nothing to do with what he was trying to find, but more to do with his day, and life. This kid is going to need alot of help. You can suggest talking to someone, but he probably will not go. So maybe you and your husband can go to learn how to help him.
Good luck and best of wishes.
Violence is always an unacceptable reaction, but it is a reaction. Find out what he's reacting to and you may be able to help him deal without the violence.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. The child has been attending counseling once per week since his first violent outburst around Christmas.
We just feel so lost. The BF just called me bawling because he doesn't know what to do. He feels like he lost his son. It is just so sad.
I think it is due to drug
I think it is due to drug usage ( imho) Any idea what he is on? Sounds like Meth or something related.
He needs rehab. ASAP.
Nothing I advocate here, but
Nothing I advocate here, but my brother pulled this same stuff with my dad and mom when he was a teenager (about 15 or 16). It just took one episode of my dad putting my brother's head through a wall (yes, I witnessed it) to convince my brother that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to lay his hands on my dad or mom. My dad is small but very strong.
With my brother, yes, it was drugs and alcohol. So these are the first things I would look for in your situation. Is your BF strong enough to physically restrain his son? If he can get him under control and show him that, despite his son's growing size, dad is still the boss, I think that would help tremendously. I don't mean BF hurting his son, just showing him he's still in charge.
We have found hash and
We have found hash and marijuana and evidence that maybe he is huffing. Most of these items were found at his moms house. Both houses were searched and hopefully most items removed. We also went to his school and searched his locker.
The BF is larger than the 14 year old, but when the 14 year old is in a rage, nothing stops him. The BF tries to restrain him by holding him at arms length by the collar, shoving him up against the wall. The only problem is, the BM then blames the BF for instigating it (when he does that AFTER minutes of being beaten up). This last time, the BM walked in after 20 minutes of the 14 year old violently attacking the BF, in front of his sister, and the BF at this point had puffed up his chest, gotten angry and was saying "go ahead, hit me if that is what makes you tough". Again, this was after trying to remain calm, walking away, calm talk, etc. The BM saw only the last part and told the cops and the therapist that the dad was in the 14 year olds face and aggravating him. This is how manipulating she is. Keep in mind, the BF had blood on his face and a knot on his head at this point, the 14 year old had zero marks. The BM didn't once ask if we were ok. She shows the 14 year old that beating up dad isn't wrong, it is just an inconvenience for her. The first words out of her mouth when she arrived at our house that night was "I have plans this weekend, do you know how this is going to ruin those?".
Grrr is BM seeking any help?
Grrr is BM seeking any help? This is just as much her fault as it is the child's and your BFs.
There has to be a root to this problem. Drugs, anger, self identity problems or something. You guys can get through this. Dont give up!
The BM, in email, after
The BM, in email, after episode #1 in December said, and I quote "I have a 100% healthy relationship with my son. And there is little that we need to work on. It is the BF who has the issues.". The BF does have issues. The BM cheated on him, he let the kids do as they please during the divorce because he felt guilty, he doesn't stand up to the BM (because she is so manipulating and it makes it worse). So they are both to blame in my book. They both need work. The BF has also been seeing a therapist (as the 14 yr olds therapist said he has issues with dad, when it turned out he attacks dad because of drugs). The BM actually said to us "I don't want 14 year old to not feel welcome here, but it is getting hard as it is expensive.". She had to take care of him 2 extra weeks after he attacked his BF and wasn't allowed in this house until he received help. The BM sent BF a bill for the water and gas the 14 year old used.
I don't want to fully blame the BM and of course me dating the BF makes me biased, but I have seen the manipulation. She has sent me emails, yelled at me on the phone saying I will never understand because I am not a mother and never will be. The fact of the matter is, I pay 100% of the bills to put a roof over her kids heads and keep them warm.
I don't know how to help the BF (who I live with) resolve this issue when we can't sanely work with the BM.
Sorry if I sound like I am complaining, I am just at my own wits end. A child fist punching me CROSSES the line in my book.
It sounds to me like SS
It sounds to me like SS assaulted both you and your DH and needs to be locked up!! and for the illegal drugs too.
If you don't come down hard on this someone could get really hurt!! so I vote for calling the law.-! HUGS!!!
Ok, I see that you did - but maybe pressing charges is in order. Scare the shit out of him!!
p.s. watch your DH for signs of concussion - this happened to me recently in a dog accident and can be very serious
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
If you don't have health
If you don't have health care to pay for a mental health counselor, the county can provide one.
Admit your son to the hospital as a Mental Health Emergency and you will get instantaneous psychiatric help.
He could be autistic.
He could be mentally ill.
He could need medication.
It will help your son in the long run and save your lives.
"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln
And if he is using drugs,
And if he is using drugs, have CPS snatch him up and then BF can petition to get him in his custody.
YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH SOME PAIN TO GET SOMETHING FIXED.
"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln
Father and Son relationships
Father and Son relationships are something that need a lot of work. It sounds to me like the son has a broken relationship with his father. The father needs to spend time with him, then the son won't have the time to get into trouble. Everyday after school and after work they need to have father/son time. The father needs to be involved with him everyday. The son is very physical, so the father could take him to a gym for weight lifting, swim with him a couple nights a week, support him in a team sport, etc. Take weekend trips alone, often. Around the house he should include him in projects whether it be fixing the car, or refurbishing part of the house. Both need to be active and productive.
I am currently a single mother (not a dad, sorry). My son, for example, does martial arts twice a week, and swimming three time a week for swim team. Twice a month he goes to drill with the Young Marines. In the Spring he plays baseball. On Sunday he attends Church. His father does not want to be in the picture. But, my son is a very sweet and balanced young man. My fiance spends some time with him. Yesterday my son built a real functioning igloo.
Your boyfriend/fiance needs to be a dad. That is what his son is angry about. He needs his dad to be active with him every day. The Bible says to train up a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Child rearing is a hands-on life-time commitment. So, the BF needs to turn off the t.v and throw out the electronic games. Be a dad, and he will have a son that will love and respect him.
This may not solve your immediate dilemna, but it will help in the long run.
Blessings.
It sounds to me the bm is
It sounds to me the bm is not owning up to anything. So unfortunately dont expect any help from her. She has abondonned her son in some respects and he feels rejected.
Your ss has alot of emotional issues, hence trying to escape with drugs. The drugs are not working for him, hence why he is acting out violently and he does it towards his dad. He believes its his fault. That everything is his fault. This is bm's fault for doing that. For training him. She's done her damage.
The only advice i can give you would be to admit him like the others are stating. Every time he has a violent episode, remove him from the house and he's not to live there for a while until he admits what he is doing is wrong. Untilhe admits that its not dads fault. until he admits he must own up to the actions he is doing now.
He may change, he many not....time will only tell. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your dh must protect himself.
I heard in the news that's Nancy Karegan's father is now rules a homocide...son choking him out of rage....
Clorell, your advice is good
Clorell, your advice is good and we are trying some of it.
The son is in a school sport, so is at practice every day of the week. Recently, the father has started taking him to the gym and spending extra time with him. They go out and watch NFL games, hang out, etc. The 2nd violent attacked occurred weeks after starting this. The part that I worry about is that the 14 year old doesn't appear to have a conscience. I don't mean this in a negative way, just an observation. He shows zero remorse for any wrong doing. He wished the BF and I both dead in early December and never showed remorse or apologized. He doesn't really have any friends and those he does have, I think he puts them down quite a bit. He is extremely vocal with his sister & goes beyond the normal brother-sister relationship. He calls her fat, stupid, an idiot, etc, etc. But the tone he uses scares me. I just worry that the son is emotionally detached. I know the drugs (we are still not sure how long or how often he does these) play a part, but I think there is something more behind it, in the form of physiological (like bipolar, pre-psychotic or something). I really want him to bee seen not be a psychologist, but a psychiatrist. As much as the son has already done to me and his family, I just wonder if he isn't even sure why he does it and maybe he is as trapped as I feel.
The signs we have seen thus far are:
1. Grades going way down (from A's to D's)
2. Notes from teachers stating he is disrespectful in class
3. Calls from the principal (twice) stating he was mean to other boys (verbally assaulting them)
4. So quiet, barely talks, just grunts
5. Drugs
6. Violent, physical outbursts (at the drop of a hat)
7. Very manipulative; prays on your weak spot (even told me he said he hated me and wished I were dead because he knew it would upset his dad)
8. Shows ZERO remorse. No emotion.
9. Grandma (& his BM) have both admitted he has been this way since he was a toddler. Very defiant, telling Grandma he wished she were dead. Not listening to people, etc.
10. SO rude. Is rude to everyone. Tells his Grandma "This is the worst turkey. I am so disappointed in you".
11. Gets very angry if he is disciplined (part of this is because he grew up with zero boundaries until I arrived).
12. Likes to play with fire (caught at his BM house lighting fires in his room)
13. Telling girls he wants to f*ck them
The above lead me to believe that in addition to drugs, I think this young man is dealing with something that may required medication. Has anyone seen these symptoms in their kids? Any of the above I shouldn't worry about and just attribute to age?
Thank you all so much. I am only 3 years new at this.