I feel like it would take all day to give everyone all the background that's pertinent to the issues I'm having with the kids, so I'll try to make it as brief and uncomplicated as possible; but please forgive me if it's fragmented and rambling at times.

Boyfriend and I are not married. He's the brother of my best friend so we've known each other (at least casually) for 7 years, and started dating about a year ago; I recently moved in with him. He is divorced (which was final about a year and a half ago, separated about 2 1/2 years ago), and has two daughters; V is almost 6 and G is 7. They know me and have known me for a long time, so I'm not new in their lives. So a few various (and perhaps unrelated) details to preface the actual questions:

-Ex-wife has primary custody
-D (my boyfriend) and I have the girls every 1st, 2nd, and 4th weekend from Friday at 4PM to Sunday at 6PM and one night for dinner during the week.
-Since it's summer, we have them every other week from the beginning of June until the end of July (so Sunday at 6PM until the following Sunday at 6PM and then mom gets them the next week)...this is our 2nd full week with them, and then two more to go after this.
-I work from home; I'm a technical analyst and I work long hours. While I generally have some flexibility, I do have to get work done and be at my computer and on conference calls throughout the day.
-I have had, for the most part, a really good relationship with V, the youngest. G, the oldest, is much harder to get to know. She's very quiet, and sullen and always has a scowl on her face, even when she claims she isn't upset. That said, we do have our moments and she doesn't hate me, she's just quiet.
-A very important point to note is that I'm 32, and I have lived alone for the majority of my adult life (since I was 18). I have dated men with kids, but never at this level of seriousness and we have never lived together. I do have 3 nieces, whose lives I have been extremely involved in and with whom I'm very close, so I've had some "mothering" experience with them, but obviously it isn't the same thing as actual parenting. The point of that is that this isn't just a transition for V and G and D, it's a huge life change for me. All of a sudden I'm cooking dinner every night for 4 people, being a mom and essentially a wife, cleaning a 2500 sq ft house versus a 1200 sq foot apartment, running errands, managing schedules.

Other than typical, age-appropriate (fairly minor) behavioral issues, they have been good kids. There are, however a couple of things that have consistently been "issues" between D and I when it comes to his interactions with them.

First of all, they are all so freaking co-dependent on each other, at least when it comes to affection, and it makes me insane! I'll be in the middle of a conversation with him, and the girls (one or both) will climb on him and start with the "I love my daddy so much" and he will completely stop his conversation with me to have a 20 minute conversation with them about how much they love each other. I know this isn't a bad thing, they need the attention...but it's not once a day, it's literally 10-20 times a day. Every day. And I want them to be loved on and be silly and be affectionate, but I also want them to know what appropriate boundaries are, and interrupting people is rude. But he eats the attention up, so it's hard to get him to acknowledge that it isn't really "ok" because he hides behind "well, I want them to know they have access to me and that I love them." This is a theme that runs through most of the issues that we deal with. There is a definite desire to be the most loved parent, the most fun parent, a competition between mom and dad, and now me, apparently. And it's a competition that rages throughout every activity.

In the car, as soon as we get in to go anywhere, one of the girls (whoever is sitting behind D) immediately starts with "I'm on Daddy's team, you have to be on K's team." Or "I get to sit behind Daddy, that means I'm more special." Then we get to the store and get two baskets (because they both HAVE to ride, not walk) and it's "I'm gonna be in Daddy's cart" and whoever doesn't get to ends up having a meltdown. So instead, he'll let them both sit in one car that he pushes while I push around the other cart and put groceries in it. Again, I don't have an issue when them loving him and I really don't even have an issue with them preferring him over me. He's their dad, I get it. What I have an issue with is the constant whining and constant competing everywhere we go, everything we do, all the time. Just get in the freaking cart and let's get this done! And why does it matter who pushes the cart? Why does it matter where everyone sits in the car? Just get in!! To be fair, I've addressed it calmly and kindly with him and he has taken steps to not exclude me from things, but it's still a sore spot. Because when they're competing for his attention, I'm the odd one out and I feel like it's me just existing around the 3 of them.

Now to the bigger issue...

He has been sleeping on a couch in his bedroom since the divorce for various reasons; he has back problems and the couch is more comfortable, and his ex-wife literally took everything in the house including his bed. So it was him on a couch, the girls on a twin bed (even though they have their own room attached to ours with a full-sized loft bed). Now, it's me on the twin bed, him on the couch, and them on this little pull out loveseat next to his couch. And, inevitably, every single night, they end up in the bed with him. My bed is being delivered next weekend and I've been discussing this with him in small doses. My opinion is that they need to go to sleep in their room, in their beds, and we need to go to sleep in our room, in our bed. And if they come into our bed during the night, we (or he) need to walk them back to their bed and settle them in and then come back to our bed. I think it's important for them to have their own space to be in and maintain, and it's important for us to have that as well! But he likes that they love him so much and want to be with him. So he flip-flops between agreeing with me and then saying "Well, I don't have an issue with them coming in the bed with me and sleeping in our room." Ok, well I do. They don't NEED to sleep in our room. And their room is literally attached to ours with not even a door separating it; they can see us.

The other part of this is that both of them wet the bed. And it's literally 6 nights out of 7. It's not always both of them, but it's always at least one of them. We've tried limiting water intake, cutting off liquids 3-4 hours before bed, making them pee 5 times before bed...nothing seems to work and I have no experience dealing with this. But here's my issue: This is my bed we're about to be sleeping in. I don't anticipate D and I breaking up, but I also know life happens, so if something did happen and I moved out, that's still going to be my bed. I'm not willing to have a $1000 mattress ruined by pee. Call me selfish, I'll accept it. But just because he's ok sleeping in wet pee every night and having that pull-out couch ruined by it, and having to wash blankets and sheets every day doesn't mean I'M ok with it.

We discuss these things every couple of days and we never land anywhere because he just can't decide. His stance is sort of "I know it's important for them to have their own space and for us to have ours, but I like that they just can't get enough of me, so I'm not ready to tell them they can't sleep with me." My stance is "by letting them have access to you all the time, by default that limits our interactions, and it says to them that I'm insignificant in your life when compared to them. It tells them that their wanting to sleep with you and wanting to be on you all the time is more important than our need as a couple to have 8 hours a night to rest and their wants trump my authority." To be clear, he and I don't really argue; he's a mellow guy, I'm a logical woman, we discuss things calmly (for the most part) and don't really fight. We also just can't get past this issue to come to some kind of agreement.

The other issue, the biggest issue right now, is that for some reason, the girls have decided that they want to start testing me. And there's a couple of things happening that I just don't know how to deal with.

V lies. A lot. About any and everything it seems. And then when I correct her, she says things like "It's not a lie, it's a trick." Ok, fair enough...but tricks are punishable the same way lies are, so I don't really care. She has a smart mouth and it gets her in trouble, quite a bit.

They both argue about EVERYTHING. And it's because D has established this relationship with them in which he over explains everything and allows them an opinion about pretty much every decision he makes. Example: "Daddy is going to run in and grab some chlorine, you guys are going to stay in the car with K; is that ok?" Um...is that OK?!?!? How about "Daddy's going to run in, you stay here with K, I'll see you in 5 minutes." The end. Another example: "K is going to cook spaghetti for us tonight; is that ok with you girls?" Again, why are we asking? That's what we're having and I'm who is making it. So if they don't want it, they won't starve if they don't eat, they'll just be hungry until breakfast. I'm not making 4 different meals every night, sorry. And look, if I were making baby octopus or sushi for dinner, I'd be willing to make them a grilled cheese or something instead. But it's this constant whining over everything I make, just for the sake of whining. And it's stuff they like, it's just not what they feel like having. So I don't believe in asking a child's opinion about everything, and apparently he does. Another example: "Daddy has to go to work, K is going to stay here with you today; is that ok?" Really? What if they say no? you're going to not go to work? Come on.

Anyway, this asking for their stamp of approval and including them in all the decisions has created a problem for me. Because I don't allow that to happen. So this is how my interactions with them go:

Me: Hey, girls, I need you to pick up the toys that are on the living room floor.
V: Why?
Me: Because I asked you to, and because that's not where they belong.
V: Well I'm going to play with them later.
Me: Ok, then we can get them out later when you're ready to play with them again, but for now, we need to pick them up.
G: Actually, we don't have to put them away if we don't want to because we aren't going to bed yet.
Me: I've asked you to do something; it's not negotiable or optional, you need to do what I've asked.
Both: Why?
Me: I'm not arguing with you, just do what I've asked.
V: Well, my dad isn't even home.
Me: What does that have to do with it?
V: Because he doesn't care if we play.
Me: Please do what I've asked and pick up your toys.
G: I don't really feel like it, though.

I'm not kidding you, about everything. So that's annoying; I don't know about anyone else, but when I was a kid, I didn't ask why. Because if I did, I was disciplined. I didn't negotiate because I didn't have the option. And in the last couple of days, they've started being outright defiant. This is what I've been dealing with:

I'm not going to answer you.
I don't have to.
My dad's not home, so I'm allowed.
I will not go in time out.
I don't have to do what you tell me.

Here's the biggest issue I have: When D and his ex got divorced, she told the judge and a family counselor that she didn't like D spanking the girls because he did it too harshly. So in the divorce decree (yes, I've seen it) the judge said neither parent is allowed to physically discipline the girls at all. So V reminds her dad of this occasionally, saying "if you spank me, I'll tell mom and she'll get you in trouble." To be clear, he usually doesn't have these issues at this level or in this quantity...they save them all for me:) But because of this, I am very careful how I interact with them; so if G says "I'm not going in time out" I will not pick her up and make her because I don't want anything to come back on D or I in regards to physically disciplining the children.

Now that I've written a novel (which I wouldn't even have the patience to read, so I won't be offended if no one else does), I ask these questions:

1. Is the defiance age-appropriate and simply a transitional growing pain as they learn how to interact with me?
2. How do I handle it when they flat-out refuse to listen, other than taking away privileges (swimming, tv, toys, etc.)? I do take this stuff away, but clearly it makes little impact since the behavior continues.
3. Does anyone use like a rewards/behavior chart or system that you've had any success with to address things like lying, talking back, arguing, etc.?
4. Am I completely off-base with the sleeping arrangements thing? Maybe it's because I don't have kids, so I don't have that "I have to have them on me at all times" feeling, but it seems reasonable to me that they have they're own space and that they don't go to bed with us at all and don't end up in the bed with us every night. But I am also acutely aware that I may just feel that way because I don't understand.
5. How to I explain to D that it's not being unkind to his kids to ask them to sleep in their own room and that they really will survive not hanging on each other for 8 hours a night while they sleep?

Thanks so much in advance!