I need a little support and understanding.
There are a couple of issues I'd like to address, so I will try and keep this as unjumbled as possible.
I've only known my boyfriend for 9 months, and got pregnant shortly after we met. We get along really well and I can see us being together for a very, very long time. He has a son who is 8 years old. His name is Dexter. Dexter was born when boyfriend and biomom were young, 18 & 19. Boyfriend is a devoted father, and though I haven't observed her mothering skills, I'd say she was a devoted mother. Dexter is spoiled. He will interrupt, pout constantly when he doesn't get his way, and is very lazy - expecting everyone to do everything for him. I blame this on both of them. I know how boyfriend treats him, and assume biomom is doing the same, if not worse. At the same time, Dexter has a big heart, he's very loving and understanding. He has many good qualities and I do love him as I would my own child. But the things that are negative about him drive me nuts.
I addressed the issue subtly with my boyfriend, letting him know that threatening him with a consequence and never following through will not result in respect - ever. Also, saying yes to every request is not healthy either. Babying him every time he pouts only condones immature behavior. My boyfriend has realized how right I was, but since there is a custody battle between boyfriend and biomom, it seems his mindset is Dexter will not like him as much as his mom because he doesn't get what he wants. I was a good kid, and I wouldn't have been if my mom allowed this behavior. I have seen the results of parenting like this, and that scares me for my step-son. I truly want the best for him, but there is no structure. Dexter show me more respect than he does boyfriend because I give him boundaries with me, he knows I do not tolerate disrespect or pouting, especially from an 8 year old. Of course, I don't address this behavior in a mean way, like I said, I love him as I would my own. I talk to him in a respectful tone, and try to make him see his actions and the results. I know 8 year olds will throw their fits, just like any kid, but he does it constantly, and says things to make his dad feel guilty, because step-son knows it will get him attention. I just don't know what to do.. I guess I am looking for those who have been in the same situation that can offer kind words and support.
Another issue I have, and it could be an irrational fear, but I fear that my step-son will always be held at number one, and the baby on the way will be seen as second. It kills me, because I give more leeway to my step-son as I am not his mother, than I would my own son. There are things my boyfriend says and does that makes me feel this fear is a possibility. Of course, the further I get along the more my boyfriend mentions Felix (I am 30 weeks - 10 more to go! Felix is the name we chose for him). I'm excited that my baby will have an older brother, and I know my step-son will be a great brother even though he doesn't seem too interested in the idea right now. Anyone else been in this situation? Is my fear irrational?
Sorry for the long-winded post. I have been holding all this in for so long. It's a relief to get it written down.
I apologize in advance--I
I apologize in advance--I just joined this forum and am not familiar with the abbreviations.
I, unfortunately, do not have much advice to offer for the first issue. I have two stepsons (10 and 11) who live with us (their father and I) 100% of the time, and their father doesn't tolerate any nonsense. Their biomom has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), so they are genetically at-risk and he works his tail off to ensure that they don't develop even a little bit of her personality.
Onto the second issue... I, too, have that same "irrational" fear. I am glad to hear I am not the only one out there who feels that way. Even though my husband has told me time and time again that he was never in love with his ex and that he only agreed to have children as a way of trying to mend their already-broken relationship (at 18 years old), I still feel like I and our future children (when we decide to have them) will be held "second" in his eyes. I hate bringing this up to him because I can tell it hurts him but I can't help but feel that way, either. I think a major contributor to this fear is the fact that we have the boys 100% of the time (their biomom live across the country) and we only have a little bit of time each week to ourselves to build our relationship as a "couple" rather than parents. Even though they are mostly independent they are still always THERE and it is often frustrating. Lately I've been obsessing about babies, not because I really want to have them right now but because I want something that is mine and my husband's--something that can show for OUR relationship and not the relationship he once had with another woman. I love my stepsons dearly, but I just feel pure jealousy. I can understand how you are feeling and am willing to listen if you need to vent more.
I'm not very good on
I'm not very good on abbreviations either!
I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say you've been obsessing over something that you and your husband share. That precisely how I feel. Even though this pregnancy certainly was not planned we had only known each other for 2 months before I found out. The whole time I've been pregnant, I can't help but be excited - purely for the fact that I'm having a baby, but alot of it is us having this baby together, to share.
We only have my step-son Wednesdays and every other weekend, but it seems like when he's not here my boyfriend is still focused solely on him. Why wouldn't he, that's his kid, right? I always feel so guilty about the jealousy I feel... even though I do love my step-son as much as I would my own child. It is so nice, such a relief to be able to say the things I want to say, especially to those who can relate. We only have 9 weeks to go before the baby gets here, and so far I have only heard that others in my situation have noticed inequalities... and that scares me. But I like to think of it this way - my boyfriend loves me because of my heart (among many other things) and his relationship with biomom was from when he was a teenager, he knows the kind of person she is and he doesn't like that kind of person. I like to think that because he knows that my heart always has the best intentions, he will see that in our son and love him equally because I am his mother.
Sometimes, alot of times, I get frustrated in that he doesn't see these qualities in his 'perfect' son because his son was all he had for 8 years before I came around. I have (almost) come to terms with always being second, but I will not accept our child being seen that way...
I don't like to think of myself as a bad person, but I can't help but wonder if I am for feeling the jealousy that I feel, for not being happy with being second, and for wanting to shake my step-son for being such a baby... am I a bad person, or am I human? It's hard to come to terms with sometimes.
Okay, first, the jealousy,
Okay, first, the jealousy, even though disturbing is normal. THe man you love used to share a romantic bond with another woman, and the child(ren) are permanent proof of that bond. Not to mention, they still share the bond of parenthood. However, I am happy to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I used to think my husband would always favor his son, but we have a 2 year old and one on the way, and he adores both of them. He had the opportunity to bond with our shared daughter from pregnancy, birth and beyond. My husband and my bio daughter, his SD, are close in their way as well. MY daughter observed us fighting, often started by SS, BM, or MIL, so she is biased against him, and claims not to like him. Still she trusts him to be there for her and feels safe with him. Sorry for getting a little off-topic.
He will love your child just as much, and will probably bond in a deeper way due to living with your baby. Watch out for jealousy in your SS, and gently bring any unkind or hurtful behavior to your boyfriend's attention.
Congrats on your new baby!
just wait, ur ss's and sd's
just wait, ur ss's and sd's will help u learn how to handle ur own kids as they grow in to teenage years. And all your fears and jealousies will melt away the longer u guys are with your boyfriends and husbands.
I just joined this site and