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Help me, I don't want to get divorced!

brookezine's picture

Submitted by brookezine on Fri, 11/30/2012 - 10:38am

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Parenting Issues

I'm new here, and I need help. I have been with my DH for 7 years and we have been married for 5. I met my SS on his 2nd bday and he is turning 9 soon. He lived with us and recently went to live back with BM due to pleading and begging his therapist. Then insisting that we are abusing him (lies) and telling everyone that he cannot exist in our house. We have VERY LAXED rules, but we had rules at the time. Since living with BM he has become horrible when he comes to visit. He treats me terribly, my 3 year old DD terribly and my husband terribly. More recently he only has eyes for me. He insults me at every opportunity. He has untreated ADHD and possibly ODD, so both parents say he is SPECIAL and he now cannot be punished for his actions. I feel that I should be respected in my home and in front of my DD who is absorbing all of this. When I bring this up to DH, he blames it all on me and says I am the adult and I should just deal with it. He has school and aftercare issues, but I have been told to butt out of that side of his life which I have so I am only focusing on what relates to myself, which is the way my daughter and I are being treated in our home. I have been told by my DH that it is not my place to punish him (These are BM words), so I am looking at him to do something and he will only punish him in "constructive ways," but he cannot come up with any. Therefore the deeds go unpunished. This has been going on for years, but has exploded in the last few months. I am ready to pack my bags since I only see it getting worse. HELP!!! I need advise!!

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Fri, 11/30/2012 - 10:43am

You cannot change BM. You do have some sway with your DH but he is choosing to ignore your feelings.

The only thing you have control over is yourself and your actions.

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Fri, 11/30/2012 - 11:38am

What sway with your husband? He's told you to bugger off.

Your husband does not want to parent his child. Why is irrelevent but probably ignorance of the long term consequences and lazyness.

You said BM is not going to change but apparently you don't understand that BF is not going to change either. Both parents are in agreement to leave the child untreated and not responsible for his actions. Eventually the world will kick back at this kid through school and eventually on the job but in both cases it will be limited to his behavoir in those situations.

At home he'll be allowed to act out all he wants and he's focused on you because you're the weakest.

Solutions: well first is a non-solution which is to do nothing and take the abuse thereby setting up your kid on the same path.

And the real solution which is to leave. This is an impossible situation and as much trouble as it may be to move out its really your only option. Don't be swayed by the fathers arguments that its your fault, if only you would..... etc etc. Furthermore don't listed to statements that father will change - parents don't make major changes in their management styles like that especially for second wives. Even if he did with the kid living with the mother his freedom over there will undo anything and everything the father manages to install in weekend visits.

It's untenable. Don't waste any more time trying.

Queeny's picture

Submitted by Queeny on Fri, 11/30/2012 - 1:47pm

What a mess! You must just feel helpless!?!?
Does DH know you are considering leaving him because of how his SS is treating you and your daughter?
Special needs children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder and ADHD may struggle more with rules and regulations, but my experience in working with these children is that set rules, set regulations and set routines work the best. Consistency (while exhausting) is also extremely important.
Can there be a meeting between you, BM, DH and a therapist to create a behavior chart, responsibility chart and parenting plan? Don't suggest it to your DH, plant the idea in his head so he can 'be the one' to come up with the idea. For example: "DH, so I do not go insane and either leave you or flip out, can we find someone to help us all work to make SS's life here and at BM's home better. So we're all on the same page?" A therapist should be able to read between the lines and see that there is a huge family issue in parenting this child. Maybe then, you can also have some clarity from a therapist in being around SS and in parenting your own daughter.
I hope that is feasible!

brookezine's picture

Submitted by brookezine on Fri, 11/30/2012 - 2:54pm

I went to the therapist and I did speak with them. BM doesn't want to sit and speak with me, and refuses to acknowledge that I am a person that exists. I explained everything to the therapist and they did nothing with it. The problem is the parents decided to go to a school for therapy so they are being seen by a student that is taking my SS as an experiment. He has no clue what he is doing, which has made this whole situation so much worse. They have suggested one joint parenting plan that both parents can agree on, but neither one can be consistent on it. He knows I am considering leaving, and he says he will try harder, but I've heard it all before. We done the behavior chart, the responsiblity chart, the rewarding good behavior, but everything has failed. It frustrates me, because I cannot make these two parent and I cannot parent him. The worse part, is I'm becoming the villian by both my SS and my DH if I so much as speak to my SS. I am getting very bitter towards my DH, and that isn't fair to my DD.