Girlfriends son drives me nuts more so than not
Hello,
My name is Barry and I live in NY and I've been with my girlfriend for over 2 years. We've lived together in our own apartment for over a year. She has a son who is turning 9 and I swear sometimes I just wanna get up, leave and venture elsewhere. I feel terrible for thinking like this but it's just the constant asking him to do something and him not doing it. Be it homework, cleaning his room, eating vegetables, etc. I know this is sounds like just normal child behavior and I get that to an extent but it's just like I feel like he does it to me more than his mother. I know I'm not his biological father but obviously nowadays I see him more than his own father. He does visit his father every other weekend and it sucks because I tend to take those as "vacations" which I feel terrible for saying but I like the quietness of the home. I don't know how to bring this conversation up with my girlfriend l which is worse. I need help. I don't really know how to go about this topic. I'm sorry if I sound like a monster it's just, I want to love happily and be able to enjoy my time at home as opposed to feeling as if coming home is a drag. Please help
-Barry
I do so when I can, the
I do so when I can, the problem is our work schedule. She works two jobs during the day and if not both jobs she works one at a time til 10pm so she rarely sees the kid during the day. So I'm there and he likes to see me more as a buddy which I get since I'm not his father but it's so tough to maintain that dominance. His mother and I have mentioned him being cunning and manipulative but he still tries. I guess it's the getting the message through his head that's the problem. Idk what to do sadly. I don't wanna leave per say but at the same time I don't have any biological children with her so I mean....I could without any problems but idk if I wanna go that route
You have some thinking to do
You have some thinking to do but venting on here will certainly help you see what your choices are.
Your DW's work schedule is not ideal for the raising of her child. She is the parent here. I think she has to take some control of the situation. That might mean you leave her to her own devices and find someone else (which I'm sure is what is at the back or even the front of your mind.)
You need to sit down with her, or even stand up, but you need to tell her how you are feeling and that your feelings are fully justified (just present it the other way round, how would she feel in your shoes etc, there are plenty of SMs on here to back you up!
It sounds like you are the unpaid nanny here and she may just be taking your generosity for granted.
You are not a monster- step relationships are complex and not enough is done to recognise that complexity- you are just someone who feels they are being used and you need to assert yourself. Begrudging your SS will not help develop a healthy relationship.
You both need to get a handle
You both need to get a handle on this kid before he gets any older and it is too late.
Children need structure, rules and consequences for their actions.
I wouldn't worry about eating of the vegetables but doing his homework cleaning his room yes for sure.
What I found helped was a routine. What ever works in your home. For me it was that when they came home from school they had a snack and then they did home work (should take about 20 minutes a night for each grade that they are in) and after homework I would take them to the park or playground. We would then have dinner. Then they would have free time until bath time. After that it was another snack, a 1/2 hour or hour of TV and then off to bed.
The bedrooms were cleaned every Saturday or they were not allowed to go out.
If they did not due what was expected they lost something.
You have to get them where it hurts. For my daughter who was very social it would be her phone. For my son it would be his video game system.
However, his Mother needs to sit him down at the table in the quiet and have an eye to eye heart to heart talk with him. Explain the new rules and the fact that he must follow them or there will be consequences. She must also explain that he needs to respect you and listen to you. You must work as a team.
My own would say I don't remember you saying that so from that point on not only did I tell them I would also write it down.
You've got to stay one step ahead of them.
Good luck!
Why would you feel bad about
Why would you feel bad about enjoying getting your home back to just you and your GF EOWE?
Though it took some time ... eventually my amazing bride and I greatly enjoyed the times SS was on SpermLand visitations. It took my wife much longer to come to this conclusion than it did for me. It was not until I forced the issue that we would no longer avoid activities and trips while SS was on SpermClan visitation that DW started a change in perspective. Though we both missed him when he was in SpermLand we also enjoyed our couple time and adult social time when he was gone.
Nothing to feel guilty about IMHO.
Don't be so hard on yourself.