Deep Dilemma, please help.
So this is my first post. I want to start with saying Hi! And I am so glad I found this site. Hoping to get some outside non biased options.
A quick introduction and back story. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, dating off and on for 7. I am in my last 20s and he is in his early 50s. We dated for a brief time before having my our first son. He is almost 6. We split and during that time he had another child now 3.5 years old. When sd was a baby we rekindled our relationship and got married and had another son, 2 years old.
All of that came with its own struggles but we managed. My husband is quite a bit older than I am by 25 years and at first he was not very hands on with parenting. Now he does a little better but still most of the day to day falls to me and I also work full time. However he works third and three days a week, he does have the children all day while I work, the other two days I wfh.
When his daughter was about 7 months old her mom started letting us get her, she lives an hour away and I not him, drove every other weekend to get her. After about a year, when she tried to leave her for the summer I began to feel that they both were taking advantage of me because I was pregnant and then had a new baby. It was like oh she’s not doing anything she can have her and my husband would still be out living his life and I would have my child and his child. I put my foot down after our son was born because without consulting me at all he tried to have her mom leave her for months. I was exhausted and said no. I became very resentful and just stopped all assisting. Without me being the one to reach out and get her, he stopped getting her as often.
He has always hated the way her mother parents. She does not provide very well, the baby does not typically come with decent or enough clothes, sometimes shoes are too small, no jacket etc. and even though we buy clothes, they are never sent back as if she doesn't have clothes... so we do keep outfits over here as well...and if heaven forbid we miss a weekend, like even when we had covid and then didn’t go get her the next weekend because we were all still exhausted... then she gets upset and plays keep away for months but the next time we see her she wants her to stay indefinitely. She also doesn’t live in a very desirable area and it is evident they don't work with her very much on learning but she is clean, fed and doesn't show any signs of being abused.
We were in a two bedroom apt ourselves until I moved us to a spacious three bedroom condo, so my kids could have their own rooms.
We are having a marriage changing battle right now because my husband wants to get her full time. He says he feels like less of a father because he feels she is not being properly taken care of and she could be if she lived with us. My thing is...yes by me and that is not a sacrifice I am willing to make. I work 40 plus hours a week and feel as though I don’t always have the energy I would like for my own children. And although I am mostly comfortable, I am not where I want to be financially and now he wants me to split that daily with three. No part of me desires to have to care for her full time, get ready for school, split resources etc. also when my children are with their grandparents where will she go when I need a break? When I want us to have alone time? He will be resentful because my parents spoil my kids very much, they always have new things that even I can’t buy, and he already makes smart comments now.
I just don’t think any good can come of it because we already fight every time she comes and I feel as though he gets mean with our first son when she is over because he expects him to constantly watch her and hold her hand… he can’t even play with his friends….and I feel like if you don’t like the way her bio mom parents have a talk with her, don’t try to just place her responsibility on me. He feels as though because I always wanted a daughter and talked about having another after our second son I should jump at this. I do want a daughter who I can look in and see myself but I don’t even want that right now. And I don’t feel it is my responsibility to take on her mothers job because you don’t think she is as good a mom as me, it’s like your punishing me for your bad choice and she is still her mom, she should be raising her child day to day. I'm not just going to give my life so she can go party and spend all her money on herself...I used to look forward to her coming on the weekends because I do enjoy and love her but now I dread it because it can never be a good time. It’s always him making me feel bad or like I don’t do enough and it makes me pull back even more.
I mean if she comes and her clothes are outdated I go out and get her all new things, if it’s a long weekend I have her stay longer but anything short of I want to adopt her is never enough and I am tired. I am still young and I like to do things, toting around three kids all day sounds like I will never have a life or be able to have the nice things that I like.
My oldest son told me that he would rather be dead than be a big brother because he is always getting in trouble. That he wanted to go to heaven where no one would yell at him. My husband constantly yells at him even without her there about how he looks after his baby brother and I only foresee suffering for him and I if she lives here full time. Am I being selfish? Should I want to do this? Should I give it a try?
It is not your responsibility
It is not your responsibility to save the girl from poor parenting. And.. it's not your responsibility to raise another person's children.. but you have married and partnered with a "geezer".. (I am that age.. I mean lol) who has propogated.. not one.. not two.. but THREE kids at a time most men are thinking about that final push for retirement. And I'm not sure what to really to think about a guy that gets someone pregnant then goes off with someone else while the baby's mom is pregnant.. or just given birth!
And.. he isn't parenting the kids well while he does have them.. but you seem to be doing a decent job...lol.
I mean.. logistically.. of course even if he had "full custody".. his EX should have visitation.. so you and he would get breaks.. and I don't know why he gets jealous when your parents buy things for the kids.. don't his parents and his Exes parents buy things for the little girl too? again.. it's not your parent's responsibiilty to make up for his bad choice in baby partner.
But.. clearly.. with a 6 and 2 yo.. you have a lot on your plate. it's not logistics like rooms (your boys could easily share a room.. and that might actually be an enriching experience for them).. but the fact that your DH doesn't parent well.. and he needs to hear that he should lay off your older son.. because it sounds like he expects more parenting from HIM than he does of himself!
Reponse
Well they were not together when she got pregnant. He and I were still dating and he was dating other people. He did tell her he didn't want any more children and she stopped going to get the shot, although I know it does take two to tango. Although he is at fault because she didn't have a stable place to stay then and still is not stable now.
My boys shared rooms before and my oldest hated it and I don't feel as though he should have to. Lol I think I do a decent job, my children are happy, smart, well taken care of... have all of what they need and most of what they want. I try to be the most gentle parent I can be(boys do test your patience lol).
I don't think she would get her often and he doesn't ever want her to have her. Last year she dropped her off for what was supposed to be a weekend and then asked him could we keep her permanently because she was moving to Texas.
& no, his father is gone and his mom is in her 70s( like you said he is old lol). His ex only has her mom and she doesn't have much money.
I just feel that I won't be able to accomplish my career goals or any other goals. And I tell him that all the time about our older son and he tells me that he has to be hard on him and that's how his dad was. I tell him that his dad sounds like he was not a very nice dad. I mean I think he's a pretty good father, the children love him but there is definitely room for improvement but anything that I says, he gets so offended.
"I just feel that I won't be
"I just feel that I won't be able to accomplish my career goals or any other goals."
So tell him that, exactly that, and then tell him 'no' again. Remind him that he has had his chance at his goals and no doubt achieved what he wanted to. Now it's your turn.
Being "hard on a child" can be construed as bullying - doesn't it bother him that a child so young wishes he were dead?! He isn't being hard on him, he's picking on him - does he treat his other kids like that? Doesn't he see that he's only picking on one? Would he read a book about parenting if you gave him one?
He was very dismissive when I
He was very dismissive when I told him our son said that... but it was only yesterday so I am waiting to see if he implements any changes.
He does not treat the others like that, he is sometimes hard on his 12 year old... but he also is always in trouble...but that's for another post lol. I believe he believes it is because he is the oldest... but he's 5, he's still a baby in my eyes.
He has a child who wishes he
He has a child who wishes he were dead ... he doesn't get to be dismissive about that. His parenting skills need a serious update. Children under 10 can and do commit suicide. He should be taking this very seriously indeed.
NO! You do not "give it a try
NO! You do not "give it a try". Do not even consider this! This child is not your responsibility at all. Your husband needs to step up and actually BE more hands on with her. Try taking your sons to your parents' place the next weekend she's over. Let your husband feel the full weight of taking care of ONE child. If he survives, try leaving him for a weekend on his own with his sons. Is he getting the message yet? No? Then he gets to spend a weekend with all three of them. After all, they are all his.
Stop going out and buying things for her. That's her father's job. It's time he got involved in the day-to-day stuff. I'm glad to hear you don't do the driving to go and get her any more. Send her back to her mother's in exactly the same clothes as she arrived in - there's no point letting all her good clothes vanish into the black hole at her mother's place.
Your husband should not be yelling at his son for the way he looks after his little brother - heck, he shouldn't BE looking after his little brother. What is your husband doing all day? My heart hurt when I read that he wanted to go to heaven ... I'd be seriously thinking about leaving if my DH treated either of our daughters like that.
Dammit woman! You have a life too! Your DH doesn't get to do bugger all because of his age! My DH was 47 when our daughters were born and was a completely on-board and hands-on parent. He is now in his 60s and is still very present in their lives (next week he's taking one to find an appartment for college, he drives our other daughter to and from her day centre, her dance lessons and speech therapy) so don't let him give you the "it's my age" crap! Sign yourself up for a few activities that will bring you joy (painting? hiking? gym? dance lessons? book club?) and leave him with the kids. If he protests, tell him that "it's your age" and see how he likes it. Seriously, find things to do outside the house and let him deal with his children. You have every right to have a life too.
By the way, why isn't there a court order?
That is an excellent idea. I
That is an excellent idea. I'll have to not tell him they are leaving until they do. If he knows the boys will be away he doesn't get her on that weekend. I have recently started going to the gym, they have a child center and my children usually go but it is pretty expensive. He tries to make me feel bad anytime I separate the kids on her weekend, because sometimes my boys may have other plans.
I used to not buy things but then I felt bad for her because I do care for her but you are right. I am going to stop that as well and see what he does.
As far as our oldest, this has been a point of contention for months and I did contemplate leaving. With my husband everything is my dad did this and my dad did that. And he thinks because he and his siblings are moderately successful that his dads parenting model must work. I try to point out other issues that his family has, just because people are successful doesn't always mean they were parented correctly.
There isn't a court order because they haven't established one. I pushed for one last year but nothing happened and I'm not willing to do the leg work on it.
" he thinks because he and
" he thinks because he and his siblings are moderately successful that his dads parenting model must work"
I wonder if he's ever considered the possibility that he and his siblings are moderately successful despite his dad's parenting model?
Keep up the good work taking care of yourself and your needs.
Maybe point out to him that your sons doing things without his daughter gives him the opportunity to spend some great bonding time with her. She needs one-on-one time with her father.
Totally this....your DH's
Totally this....your DH's father did not provide a good parenting model. Far from it! And now history is repeating itself....he is being hard on, and bullying a little boy.
That disgusts me TBH.
My sons dad was bullied mercilessly by his father....picked on, ridiculed, yelled at, even hit. But my boys dad vowed he would never ever be like his own father as a parent. And he wasn't. He was a great dad to our two boys and they loved him dearly.
He passed away 6 years ago.
How do you and your husband
How do you and your husband handle finances? Do you have similar earnings? HE should be handling all financial obligations for his daughter - buying her clothes, etc. If you do not want to care for her every day, HE should be making arrangements for and paying for daycare. If you don't have separate finances, separate them. Let him provide all care for his daughter. Let him feel the obligation his daughter is all on his own.
And please don't say he's a good father. A good father does not bully his 6 year old son to the point he doesn't want to live.
I handle all of the finances,
I handle all of the finances, he gives me what I say that I need and then I pay them. I make more on a 40-hr work week, as I earn more. However he typically works over time so he brings home as much as I do. He spends more though, and I have recently brought up that as well.
& I agree I think he is so willing to get here because he doesn't feel the full weight of the obligation.
& you're right, he does love his children but I think he has a lot of toxic learned behaviors that were passed down. My son actually just told me that yesterday. I think I'm still a little shocked.
Me?
If my son told me that and immediate changes were not made - done. Your #1 job as a mother is to protect YOUR children. You are using resources meant for your children on his. Stop that right now. Also, he changes 100% in the treatment of your son or he's gone. Period.
His other DD
Is not your problem. He wants, and wants, but does nothing. Just say NO. First he must get a home big enough for an exter child living there full time. He then must pay his share of the bills. Set up child care for his DD. Then and only them you will take a good look at this. Does he just want to stop CS?
You really think BM going to give up her kid and CS. Don't think so, she living on the CS. You can have SD as long as he pays.
No, you are not being selfish
No, you are not being selfish. However, you are letting yourself be the victim to your geriatric DH and his XW.
Stop that.
For clarification, I am a bit older than your DH, my DW is 12 years the younger in our marriage. I have always tried to keep her opportunities to persue her goals, etc.. as a priority for me and our marriage. Your DH seems to not be tracking on defending those things for you. He has had his turn in his 20s. It is your turn. Make sure you enforce that you will take your turn.
This man is playing you hard and is drawing your eldest into his games. It will not be long before he draws your youngest in as well and all three of you will suffer his crap around his guilty daddy issues with his failed relationship progeny. Certainly it is not the little girl's fault, but.... you cannot tolerate serving your own children and your life and happinuess up onto the sacricial alter of blended family martyrdom to your DH, his X, and their daughter.
Take care of you. Take care of your children. Leave him and the X to care for and provide for their daughter.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.
I felt so sad to when I read
I felt so sad to when I read about what your little boy said.
Doesn't that break your heart??? It would mine!
As for your husband..... don't get me started on that!!! UGH, UGH and more UGH.