Being annoyed by 11 year old SD
Hi, I'm new here.
My issue is, I am married to the man of my dreams, who is a widower. His kids were 7 and 2 when we met. We were married last year, and they are now 11 and 5.
They are both very good girls, and have no other mother now, than me. I have no biological children of my own.
I hate to admit this, but I find everything the younger one does is funny, cute, and hilarious. She has changed my life. I think of her as my own. She never knew her own mother who died when she was an infant.
The older one, I do love. I just am not sure I like her. And no, she's not a brat. I just seem to clash with her personality. I am guilt ridden over this, and I guess I need some help.
The main problem is, she has no friends. She is always home. Always wanting us to entertain her. She is higly intelligent. She wants to have adult conversation with us at the dinner talel, etc. I just find it so annoying. She is full of facts and figures. Like a little encyclopedia, and I just get annoyed by it.
Well, it's a little more than being annoyed, I'm afraid.
Is there anyway to learn to love her, the way a mother should? When she is away, I feel like it's a vacation.
What should I do? See a therapist? I try my hardest to not play favorites, but the younger one is so amazing and funny, I really enjoy being around her. Why can't I feel the same way about the other one? All I see are her faults, and it's not fair to her. I am not mean to her, but I fear she knows I don't feel the same way, and I don't want to ruin or break her self esteem.
Anyone have any ideas for me ? My life would be wonderful, if I felt the same about her, and I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening
Claire
You need to read up on
You need to read up on Asperger's Syndrome and autism...either of those disorders may very well be what's going on with SD. From what you write, she seems to display a lot of those symptoms.
While I agree with this
While I agree with this comment, I also think you should try getting SD into some after school activities or summer activities to push her into having friends before you have to go through all the testing for autism and asbergers. If she does have one of those, you've got a pretty good road ahead of you;
It's not your fault. I am
It's not your fault. I am not bonded to my ss who is 7. I am not sure it will ever happen and yes I feel like it's a vacation when he is gone and I look forward to it. I was reading on bonding and bonding usually occurs with a child who is under two so that is probably why you are bonded to the younger one. You are not a bad person. Just do your best to make the older one feel loved even if you are faking it.
So true and well said! When I
So true and well said! When I met my skids, my SD11 was 8...the transformation has been insane, from a cuddly little awesome kid into a pre-teen bored diva..I still adore her, but lord is 11 rough!
Maybe you can facilitate some
Maybe you can facilitate some friendships for her. Ask her if she wants to invite a classmate to go to the movies or bowling or skating or something, and you interact with that child's mother to set it up. Since you came into her life a bit later, you and she may not have had that part of the puzzle figured out yet. I always found it much easier to deal with two kids of similar age, who can entertain each other, that just one. You may have to seek out friend-making opportunities for her, and make it easy for her to get together with other kids.
There were times when I
There were times when I didn't like one of my kids or the other. ALL kids go through stages when they are more or less likable. Don't sweat it, and no, I don't think you need therapy.
Agree with the idea of helping her build some social contacts - either getting together with classmates as mentioned above, or perhaps there are a/some extracurricular(s) that she'd be interested in where she could meet some like-minded kids.