bedwetting
Hi, all,
This is a stepparent related question only in that I am a stepmother, not a mother to this child. My SS11 is a chronic bedwetter. I thought he was over it, because he hasn't had an accident in months, but then this weekend, he wet the bed both nights he was with us. I think he wets the bed at home, too, so it's not something that just happens at our house. He doesn't appear anxious or upset about anything. He used to be embarrassed to have me know that he wet the bed, but now I've changed his sheets so many times without comment that I think he doesn't feel embarrassed with my knowing anymore. We always make him go to the bathroom right before he goes to bed. My husband use to restrict what he drank at night, but has probably gotten a little lax. BM has not done anything to help him or figure out what the issue is because she thinks it "would embarrass him", but really, he's entering middle school, so this is going to start to be a real problem. Even DH doesn't really want to talk about it with me, because he thinks I'm picking on his son when I ask if they ever sought treatment for him. As a stepmom, I can't solve the problem for him, but I'm looking for advice on how we might prevent accidents when he's at our house (and maybe give him some tips on how to help prevent them himself). Has anyone else dealt with a child or stepchild who was a chronic bedwetter at age 11 or above? What did you do to address the issue.
Thanks in advance for your help!
He wears pull ups and washes
He wears pull ups and washes his own sheets and laundry.
"SS I know you are wetting your bed. But until this stops you will be washing your own sheets and sleepwear/PJs. It is time to find out how much it takes out of my day doing this every day. No playing or electronics until the sheets are washed, dried and back on your bed. And unfortunately you will have to wear pull-ups again until this stops. So let's work out why you are dong this and hopefully I will waste money buying a full pkt of pull ups."
At his age he really needs to
At his age he really needs to speak to a doctor. There could be a physical reason causing this and if not then he needs to speak to a therapist.
This kind of behavior can show that children are having trouble dealing with change. It doesn't mean something bad has happened but if mom has a new boyfriend in the picture or maybe he's anxious about something at school. Anything tiny change.
Its not about embarrassing him. Its about helping him.
Something that may help empower him is giving him the ability to take care of the bed himself. I had the occasional accident while I was growing up. By 8 the only way my mom knew I had had one is that she found my sheets in my laundry basket. I knew where spare ones were and would get up and take care of it myself.
Put a mattress protector on the bed and extra sheets where he can reach them. Don't say its for when he wets the bed. Tell him its if he ever spills something on them. He can get up and clean it up and remake his bed. He doesn't have to tell anyone but you'll still know if its happening.
I remember being embarrassed as a kid. Thankfully my mom understood and it never had to be something to worry about. I grew out of it without issues.
Thanks, everyone for the
Thanks, everyone for the comments and suggestions. He seems like kind of a nervous kid in general (he has major school anxiety), but unlike his brother who has regular meltdowns when he comes to our house, he seems to enjoy staying with us.
He has done in laundry in the past to hide the bedwetting from me and he usually strips the bed when he wakes up and realizes it's wet. I can always tell when he's wet the bed because I hear him walking around at 6:30am, which is not his usual wake-up time. One problem with putting new sheets on right away is that our mattress protector also gets wet (it keeps liquids off the mattress, but the top side of it is soft) and we only have one, so that usually goes in the wash, too. Perhaps, I will get a back-up mattress protector and leave that and a pair of clean sheets in his closet.
I tried to ask DH again what they've done and again, he said "do we really need to talk about this?" I said "well, now he's the age where this is going to become a problem for him."
One of my biggest frustrations is that BM refuses to get help for anything. This same child has difficulty reading, but when DH suggested he get extra help over the summer, she told DH "he tries really hard and that would be punishment." His brother is supposed to wear glasses, which we purchased for him, but then according to BM "he was embarrassed to wear them", so he doesn't wear them. His brother also has self-proclaimed anxiety (diagnosed by his mother), but again, he would never go to see a counselor because that would be "embarrassing." It drives me crazy that she does not want to get help for her children.
Put him in diapers at night.
Put him in diapers at night. And let your SO deal with the bedding
Then maybe he will do something. You give your SO and out because he is not dealing with the bed wetting
Let him spend his days washing and drying
You DH needs to step up and
You DH needs to step up and stop hoping BM will get her act together. When this kid is an adult will he still try to blame BM for where he failed as a parent. Not taking care of this bedwetting is harmful to the child. Not having the letting the child wear glasses is medical neglect in my eyes that impacts his ability to learn.
You can't just stop it on your own. This isn't an issue where you can make a rule and the kid can follow it at your house no matter what BM says at hers. This isn't something he's doing on purpose and since he's already trying to take care of it himself shows he's aware it's not normal. It will impact his self-esteem. It will get worse. And your DH is burying his head.
I wet the bed until I was 16.
I wet the bed until I was 16. My parents brought me to a million doctors, tried all kinds of rewards for dry nights or tried imposing punishments if I went, they even tried alarm systems that went off if the bed started to get wet. They made me drink a gallon of water and then hold it in for hours to "stretch my bladder" they tried waking me up to pee every two hours, and they took all liquids away 3 hours before bedtime. It all made absolutely no difference. Some kids just don't wake up when they have to go. Make SS change his own sheets, give him the option of wearing a diaper ( I did) and there is some nasal spray that will stop him from going in his sleep that he can use once in a while.
Unless he is doing it intentionally, he will grow out of it.
lurch wet the bed until 12 or
lurch wet the bed until 12 or 13. his pediatrician was not concerned that it was anything physical. we never made a big deal out of a wet night or a dry one. he eventually grew out of it.
get a plastic mattress cover, or place a puppy pee pad under his sheet. stop handling the soiled sheets. if dh has a problem with that, just tell him "you refuse to even discuss it, so i will no longer have anything to do with it. i'm out."
I think offering the diaper
I think offering the diaper is a good idea. Trying to force it on him would be very humiliating for him. I"m sure he doesn't do it on purpose. Who would want to wake up covered in pee all the time?
He or DH doing all the cleaning up is very fair especially as DH doesn't think it's a problem.
Hugs and thanks for caring about the young man.
My SS was a periodic bed
My SS was a periodic bed wetter until he was 8ish. No medical or psych issues, just laziness.
So... I put him in diapers. He spent an entire weekend in a T-Shirt and diapers. We let him know that since he was choosing to be an infant that he would be treated and dressed like one and that he would be wearing a diaper to school. He refused to leave the house in his T-Shirt and diaper as we would not let him put on any other clothes. He got the message. At bed time on Sunday he came to his mom and I in regular underwear and clothing and informed us that he understood and wetting the bed would not happen again..... We let him wear clothes to school the next day and he was true to his word. It never happened again. The looming threat of public humiliation and ridicule by peers can be a very effective tactic for motivating capable kids who just refuse to do what they should do.
Time for direct action that embarrasses the shit out of this kid... if there are no underlying medical or psychological issues. If there are.... he needs you and his dad to step up since his BM wont. BM is focusing far too much on this kid's feelings and far too little on raising him to be a confident viable adult. Time to do what is necessary to counter her pathetic ineffective parenting and give this kid the support, consequences, and confidence he will need to grow up.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck with the wiz master.
My oldest had issues with bed
My oldest had issues with bed wetting and after trying soooo many things, my dad gave me some simple advice: "Just wake her up to go to the bathroom"
This is what worked for us:
Set an alarm for 1 am. Go wake up said child to go to the bathroom. This was phased into them setting their own alarm to get up. Then after a while, didn't need an alarm at all.
I also used this method on my youngest during actual potty training at like 2-3. I had to add in an extra alarm, but it worked like a charm!
Potty training doesn't stop at bedtime. Some kids have to be 'trained' to go at night too.
But of course, if your SS is only being 'trained' while with you, may not have much impact. But at least, it might help while at your place.
At 11, he should be responsible for his own alarm, and his own laundry.
He hasn't had a problem since
He hasn't had a problem since I posted this, but he still acts nervous about whether it will happen. He does stop drinking anything when it gets too close to bedtime.
DH asked him how he felt about going away on a multi-day field trip considering his bedwetting and he told DH that BM has some pills that supposedly help him...of course, BM would rather him be embarrassed at our house, then send him with the medication. She's always doing things like that, I think in part to make the children feel uncomfortable at our house.