I'm feeling really confused right now. I've been a part of my stepkids' lives for over 10 years, and they are currently 12 and 14 years old. To give you some background, I met my husband in 2015 when he was sharing custody of his daughters, alternating weeks with their biological mother. She has always struggled with stability, having been homeless multiple times and possibly dealing with addiction issues. Even when the custody was split evenly, we ended up being the main caregivers because we were in a better position to take care of them. By 2019, the girls were with us about 90% of the time, only spending most weekends with their mom. By early 2024, they were living with us full-time and gradually distancing themselves from her due to the chaos she brought into their lives. They hadn’t spoken to her in months, but we recently discovered she’s living just a few blocks away in a house known for drug-related activities.

A couple weeks ago, my 12-year-old stepdaughter was out with her friends when her mom spotted her and came outside to say hello. My stepdaughter was really embarrassed by her mom's appearance and the state of her home, especially in front of her friends. Then, just last weekend, she was at a park with a different group of friends when her mom found out where she was and came over. She took them to a gas station to buy ice cream and hung out with them at the park for a while. This new group of friends thought her mom was really cool and said they liked her. The next day, her mom asked her to walk around Wal-Mart with her and promised to buy her something, which my stepdaughter agreed to. When she got home, she mentioned wanting to spend more time with her mom. We told her we could try every other weekend, but they needed to find a safe place to meet since we couldn’t allow her to go to her mom’s current home. My husband texted her biological mother to let her know that my stepdaughter wanted to start seeing her again, but they needed to find a safe location. She agreed, and we were planning to start this coming weekend.

The next day, my stepdaughter asked if a friend could stay over, but since it was a school night, I said no. She often asks me these things because I’m the main caregiver; her dad is around but works long hours, so it’s usually just me and the kids. When I told her no, she turned it into a huge argument, and I had to tell her to come home or she’d be grounded. She came back about half an hour later, and within five minutes, her grandma and mom showed up to take her to her grandma’s house. Now, she’s not talking to me and has completely shut me out. It feels like she’s forgotten all the struggles they faced with their biological mom, and I’m worried she might not come back to us. Her older sister is upset because she remembers the tough times with their mom, and it hurts her to see her sister act like it never happened. This could create tension between them, and I feel stuck. Part of me wants to let things unfold and see where it goes, while another part thinks I should push more responsibility onto her mom, especially since we’re covering all expenses like phones, violins, and clothes. I don’t want my stepdaughter to feel abandoned, but I also believe her mom shouldn’t have visitation rights without any responsibilities. She’s currently unable to drive, is technically homeless, and doesn’t have a job. I want to use this situation as a lesson for her, but I’m really unsure about what to do. I need some serious guidance.