Scared what BM will do
BM has assaulted me on two separate occasions in the past(once in front of her kids), has threatened me so many times I can't count. We just had a custody and access review done which recommends that DH and I get custody of their 3 kids, as well as expressing this as the childrens' preference. We just had court the other day and she blames it all on me, for undermining her family, although I don't actually DO anything. The court has ordered her not to have any contact with us, but she calls and facebooks me, screaming at me, threatening me calling me horrible names, I never engage, I always say I don't want contact with her. I've contacted the police this latest round of calls and threats (she has had 2 previous convictions for crimnal harassment and assault and breach of probation) but they arent' doing anything.
My fear is how she directs the blame for everything at me. The judge has reserved decision and will come back with it in 2 weeks. I am very hopeful that we will get custody of the children, but I have to say I'm feeling very frightened at what her reaction will be. Has anyone had any experience with this?
It hasn't gotten that bad for
It hasn't gotten that bad for us ...yet but it could. She has assaulted me and she definitely blames me for everything. If she can't get to you it might make her realize she's wasting her time. This is what I'd do:
1. Get a new phone with a different number. Convert your current phone/number to pay as you go and use that phone solely for contact from her. If you don't want to lose your number get a new pay as you go phone, tell her you've changed your number and give her the new number. Don't use it for ANYTHING else. The only person who will use the pay as you go phone will be her. Don't let her have the new number to your new phone. Check the pay as you go phone once a month or so for messages but NEVER answer it.
2. Make your husband take centre stage with her. In encounters with the ex in our life my OH can tell her no 1000 different ways and she acts as if she doesn't hear him. If I pipe up and say the EXACT same thing he said using the EXACT same words she reacts violently but at least she hears the message. She's in denial. She won't believe that he would actually say anything against her so she refuses to hear when he says no. Your SO needs to take a firm stand and let her know that it is HIM, not you, who is opposing her. (This took a long time in our case but SO is finally coming through - it was too easy for him to hide behind me). Make sure she knows with no uncertainty that he means what he says and that he isn't just parroting what you've told him to say.
3. Document everything and keep calling the police. Videotape if you can.
4. Stay calm. Use 'I' statements rather than 'You' statements. For example, if she comes to you and starts shouting and demanding instead of 'You are out of control. You need to stop this' say 'I refuse to be talked to in this manner. I will not engage with you if you are shouting.' This takes the control away from her and puts it in your hands. It seems like a small thing but it really is very important.