Well, we've all told you, you have to just NOT do her bidding and stop worrying about how it will look in court.  But the truth is, as long as you are in court, you can't block her out. She will be on overdrive to show what a MOTY she is and how awful you guys are. But why does DH have to go get SS's shirt? Why couldn't BM drop it off?

Some people in court do see through this stuff, they really do.  Plenty of people on here have had judges tell BM to quit interfering in the father's time and overscheduling him. The problem is that BMs like this don't give up until they get what they want. So decide what is really worth fighting over. Her co-parenting with your DH is NOT worth fighting over, because she is not capable of it.

Send a message via OFW

"Please stop interfering with my visitation time by planning things for our son on my time. As from now, any message concerning my son and anything you have prepared for him during my time will be ignored. Do not intrude on my time with my son any more."

She can keep this nonsense up for years so stop conceding. Your DH needs to take his time with his son and ignore his ex entirely. She has no right to hinder his relationship with his son. He needs to make a stand and stop running after her every whim. He has every right to spend time with his son without her stepping in.

I feel like I live inside of chess match. I think the BM in my case it's frustrating and lazy, but where she stands out as exceptional is in her manipulation game. Same behaviors you're describing, and also constantly sick and overwhelmed but she just cares soooooooo much about the kids! She's done everything! More than most mothers would do! It's really masterful.

I think it's a good idea to use either email or the custody app that you use to document a request about time and boundaries, as winter glow stated above. I'd also say that in our case CPS told DH about some of BM's lies. And it seems they're well aware she's lying. So I also wanted to echo that yes sometimes judges and CPS see through this. They even said half of the calls that they deal with our BMs looking for revenge

Because of time constraints or budgets. Hc bio mum can play that game of trying to be the best parent ever and claim daddy is such a crap parent and how dare he not take you to blah blah blah.

skids themselves try to spring last minute things on parents and expect said parent jumps through hoops even when it isn't a priority. 
 

you matter too as a spouse or partner and any joint kids you have too. You all deserve time together too and if this means your husband can't take skid to a sports activity or event, so be it. He won't die, he will survive

bio mum can play the whole be the best parent game but its a miserable life to live

in my case yrs ago sd's did bio mums bidding on cue. Last minute changes and i was notifed as we were leaving home or morning of the event and we were expected to cowtow to these lazy arse inconsiderate skids.

guess what?? I put my foot down firmly up hubbys arse and told him we have 2 kids aged 1 & 2.5, thise skids can make their way to the place for meetups. Ss20 can do it as an adult and so too can sd23 and since sd13 lives with sd23 and sd23 can drive but chooses not to because biomum and stepdad made a bullshit rule that she can't drive to meet hubby, then they can make their way.

i am not dealing with 3 hours of chauffeur driving in stop start traffic till our kids puke every friggin time. They make their way and if not on time, tough shit we go do our own thing. We had ss20 (30mins from leaving for a weddinng interstate) was still showering and hubby told him this was ridiculous. 10mins to us leaving and ss still hadn't loaded luggage into car, hubby again lost it and ss told him to be patient. We left several mins late and i told hubby we have 2 little kids whom i managed to bathe and get dressed on time and packed and fed the cats and cleaned their litter, whats ss's excuse because I ain't doing this shit anymore.

This is what happens when ppl think they are the centre of everyones universe

And remember, if DH concedes and agrees to everything, the judge isn't going to see a problem with the current situation, since DH seems to be accommodating and agreeable to BM. 

You can disagree with BM and still coparent. Honestly, disagreeing with BM when you disagree will show the judge a better picture of what's happening. 

Brief: Keep it short, typically a paragraph. This is even when the comment you’re responding to goes on and on for many paragraphs or pages. This leaves much less for the other person to react to and is often sufficient to get your main point across.

Informative: Give some straight information, rather than emotions, opinions, defenses or arguments. You don’t need to defend yourself when another person is being hostile. It’s not about you. It’s about their inability to manage their emotions and responses. Just stay focused on providing relevant information.

Friendly: This may seem hard to do when you’re being attacked in writing or verbally. But this avoids feeding the hostilities and may even calm an upset person. Just a friendly greeting and closing; nothing too involved. This helps keep the hostilities from escalating. It also shows that you have good self-restraint.

Firm: This means that you end the conversation rather than feeding the hostilities. It doesn’t mean harsh. Just avoid anything that opens the door to more hostile comments back. Say something that calmly ends the conversation. Sometimes, you will need a response from the other person, so just ask a question seeking a Yes or No answer by such-and-such time and/or date. Then end on a friendly note.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/5-types-people-who-can-ruin-your....

https://www.amazon.com/BIFF-Co-Parent-Communication-Difficult-Conflict/d...

This book is a great resource with examples of BIFF method communication as it relates to "coparenting" - it might be a good guide for you. 

Why are you so afraid of court and think that whatever BM does or asks for, you have to jump? You keep saying what about court what about looking bad? BM isn't the judge and jury. You have rights too, you know. I think that doing whatever BM wants makes you look worse in front of a judge.

Time to stop being her bitches and start enforcing boundaries.  She has you jumping to her demands as you winge to her manipulations.

Grow a pare. Both of you.  Think of what your DH;s children see. They see a ball-less non man and they see their mother slinging her giant pair of testicles around like she actually has them.

Time for your and DH to grow up, become a confident man, a confident woman, and a strong and confident couple that stands firmly to protect your marriage and the Skids from BM's manipulative bullsht.

Force BM to step up in front of a Judge and spout her crap as you bare her idiot ass with facts and as you replay her manipulations into the public record.

Have some spine.

Stand up, be confident in yourselves and each other.

Don't ever be defined by someone else.

You got this!

I would suggest that your DH have his attorney email BM's attorney and tell him to ask his client to stop harassing DH, that she sent 10+ emails in one day regarding a pair of socks, and that she's interfering in his time. That way it's on record when BM says he's "not communicating".

BM in our case got this way too at times. I honestly think she would spiral from intense anxiety and sometimes delusion, when they were in court and she feared losing SS. She told her attorney once that she feared DH was trying to take SS away from her.  She has a history of trauma and mental illness, as well as a dysfunctional family with generations of alienation from parents. While I do think much of what she did was planned, a lot was unconscious as well and triggered by her own trauma.   But she does need to be called on her behavior during these times.