Chronic Low Self Esteem in Bio Mum
I don't know if our bio Mum fits this mentally unfit situation.
She has a cycle of men in her life.
One will move in, is abusive to our step daughter and he goes and then another one comes and so forth.
Last year she went to the other side of Australia because she had an internet relationship of a few weeks and told her daughter 'to live with her father' and then she came home after awhile and met another guy on the internet and after a month he moved in and once again her daughter was picked on.
This time it ended up in counselling - the bio mum rang my partner and said that his daughter wanted to break us up which is a feeling anyway but I didn't believe that his daughter said that anyway.
After my partner said I am calling DOCS she paid this guy $1,000 to go away. He wanted alot more than that.
The bio mum has made promises and promises about not having any more men move in to the house straight away.
It is really hard as she has such low self esteem and can't stand to be one her own and suffers from loneliness. She isn't self contained enough to vet the men she brings in to all our lives.
Now she has met another guy with three children. One is a girl who is 16 (roughly same age as my partner's daughter) and two sons.
The son's friends (at their dad's party) beat a guy up and fractured his skull. The sons are in their early twenties.
So biomum has a new guy she met about six or eight weeks ago. She has announced that they are moving in together in a month and getting married in June.
I fear that this woman will lose her house and her super.
The daughter is understandably upset. She told me my mother doesn't love me or listen to me. I said I thought her mother did love her but just wasn't able to show her love in a way that is meaningful for her.
The daughter is very loyal to her mother.
My partner and her father has said she can live with him at any time.
It is all so frustrating because I am powerless over what happens.
SMIT
Hmmmm
Well it seems to me that if SD16 knows she can live elsewhere and not be abused, that there is really no reason for her to stay with her BM and be abused.
It is very generous of you to be concerned about BM, BUT . . . she is an adult and needs to be responsible for her own choices. If she is really bad off, SD could be reinforcing and enabling this unhealthy behavior by staying with her mom no matter what.
SD too is old enough now to start choosing to protect and take care of herself. If SD doesn't see that, maybe you guys can tell her. I would worry about SD and not BM, personally. Not to be rude!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
"Most Evil" - my Step Daughter is 14 and I AM worried about her
Her Dad and I have certainly discussed that she can live with her Dad at any time.
Indeed one time it got really bad with one of the men living in the house she did move back with her Dad for a few months.
The problem is that BM has a fair bit of
emotional blackmail going on with her daughter. My stepdaughter spent last Xmas with her due to worrying about Mum being lonely. Also BM buys her lots and lots of gifts to buy her off or pay her off.
I was out of my mind with worry for her last week. I have calmed down now.
If BM loses her house and her super then this will impact on my stepdaughter.
SMIT
It is so sad for my step daughter "thebettermother"
and she has alot of feelings of rejection
and abandonment about her mother at times.
I never criticise her mother as she loves her and is so loyal to her.
I just point out that though her mother loves and cares for her she doesn't have parenting skills that matches with the stepdaughter.
BM has said she has no maternal instinct in therapy and didn't get on with her mother. So I said to my stepdaughter that it might not be about her at all - it might be her Mum dealing with her issues with her mother via her (my stepdaughter.)
And you hit the nail on the head my stepdaughter does feel her mother really needs her. Even in counselling the BM said sometimes it is like she is the daughter and her daughter is her mother. This apparently has always been true. I think the BM is very brave to be going to see a professional counsellor. However, as my stepdaughter has alot of emotions about her Mum and it difficult because I have to be very careful never to criticise her Mum whilst saying well you are not a loner you
have lots of good friends and so forth.
Her mother offered her money to take the new bonus 16 year old in with her friends on Saturday and I don't know what to say when those things happen so I just go okay that is an interesting parenting strategy to my stepdaughter.
When she told me her mother told her that she was a difficult child I just started laughing (perfect response she was most reassured)and I said "Well I don't find you difficult at all. In fact you are not difficult at all."
Her mother is very needy for her daughter and doesn't seem to be able to think of anyone but herself which is a real shame because by not listening and hearing and sharing with her daughter she is missing out on her. She is a real sweetie and pretty cool.
I said to her as she was so gifted intellectually that perhaps her Mum and her don't have that much in common. Her mother thinks shopping and fashion is important. Whilst her daughter likes for us to hang with her and discuss her homework.
I hope that I give some gifts to her to withstand the situation.
Fortunately she has a really good relationship with her father and they seem able to discuss most things which I think is the saving grace at this time.
Thanks for the hugs,
It has been an exhausting week this week.
SMIT
for me and in my situation
bio mom is loud, arrogent, rude and full of herself.
Of course this behavior is actually LOW self esteem or she wouldn't have to try so hard to prove she is so tough.
I'd rather have a depressed, quite bio mom of low self esteem
than a loud, arrogent rude one.
Her bio daughter is just like her too... expolosive temper, immature and full of mind games, none of which do any good as we always call the police when bio mom comes around as we know her games.
Daughter is going to be just like her and very disliked by just about everyone.