BM is a passive agressive control freak. Help!
I'm so glad I found this forum - its good to know that I'm not the only one experiencing issues with biological parents.
I'm a stepmum who has been with my husband for 11 years, married for 7. I have two stepchildren (girls) aged 13 and 17, with different mothers.
The 17 year old stays with us 50% of the time. The 13 year old comes every other weekend and one day during the week.
The 13yr old is very 'close' to her BM and they describe the relationship as 'best friends' - BM doesn't appear to have friends of her own.
I also feel close to SD13 - she confides in me about issues with her friends and school and I do my best to support her in a balanced way.
Recently I've been getting increasingly frustrated as SD13 and BM are constantly texting and phoning each other when she is with us. Last night the 4 of us were watching a family movie together, but SD was on her phone texting BM all the way through it, as well as before and after.
It feels as if BM has to have a 'special relationship' and that her spending time with us is a threat to that.
Furthermore, SD13 has confided in me that her Mum has told her that she has a heart problem and could die if she gets over angry or cross. Therefore Sd is terrified of upsetting her and is always panicking about 'what will my Mum say?'. BM has said that she has an annurism which I do not believe as she has spent no time in hospital. It seems to be a control mechanism to get her daughter to do exactly as she pleases.
It seems SD feels that she has to tell her mum that she does not have any fun here and bad mouths us to make her Mum feel better.
Over the years it has not been an easy relationship. In the early years BM used her daughter as a weapon (ie we wont have access to her unless we do as she says), we have had to fight for access.
BM has also bad mouthed our family to SD, telling her things that I believe she should not be exposed to as a child. One example is that BM has given a one sided account of an argument she had with my husbands mother years ago, and now SD is wary of her grandma and has said that she feels she is not loved as much by her as her half sister SD17.
SD13 has a general perception anyway that she is not loved as much as her sister in our family and that her sister is showed favoritism, even though we re-assure her we love her and we include her in all family acitvities. There are some obvious differences eg SD17 goes to bed later as she is older and SD13 says things like 'it's because you love her more than me'.
BM has re-married and influenced daughter to change her surname to her partners name. SD13 calls her partners mum 'Dad'.
Recently the access has been getting shorter too as BM plans things with SD13 during the time she is supposed to be with us, causing her to want to leave early. Both are reluctant to make the time up, but on occasion when the situation is reversed there is a panic to make up the time with BM.
In short, SD is terrified of upsetting BM in case she gets angry and it causes her to die. SD shows signs of panic and anxiety every time a decision is made that BM may not agree with. I'm also also getting really fed up with the constant phone calls and text messages - she can't seem to leave her be in our company.
This seems like emotional blackmail and I'm worried for SD's own health.
My husband and I want to handle this situation in such a way that minimises damage and upset to SD13 but its so hard to know what to do.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Thanks for reading xx
BM is engaging in subtle
BM is engaging in subtle PAS. She is attempting to alienate SD13 to keep her for herself. Over time SD will want to visit less and less and blame it on you guys for not loving her enough. DH needs to insist she come for his visitation and take the cell phone away when she is there so he can work on his relationship with her without BMs constant influence. I would have an honest talk with her about her mom's "health condition" and the fact that BM has not spent any time in the hospital. The only way to battle PAS is to fight fire with fire and honesty about what her mother is doing. I would also let her know that she is a child and her mother is an adult and it isn't right for her mother to be making her feel bad or anxious. She is not her mother's caretaker. I know it sounds like a lot, but kids are resilient and need to know someone is caring for them. There is too much pressure on her right now and someone needs to help her push it back where it belongs. We had to do this with a 4 year old. We were brutally honest. She didn't like what we had to say because everything was "mommy, mommy, mommy", but it had to be said. That doesn't mean we bad-mouthed her mother. We didn't, but we did let her know that mommy's feelings are mommy's problem.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Has DH talked to BM about
Has DH talked to BM about her inappropriate relationship with her daughter, the emotional blackmail? She needs to limit her conversation to once a day by phone. She's not teaching SD to love her. She's teaching her to be co-dependent. Big difference and not in a good way. She's also teaching SD that guilt is the way to make people love you. Not healthy parenting.
Me personally would call BM out. If my SDs BM tried the same tactic my DH would be all over her. She'd deny deny deny but she'd know that she's busted.
Meanwhile, you and DH can talk to SD about how her mom is "mistaken" about her health. When her mom's texts, tell her she can call BM back at a more apropriate time. If BM goes all psycho and starts calling or texting obsessively then DH needs to answer and call her out.
Perhaps a visit to a child therapist might benefit as well. My BD11 is dealing with "I'm not loved issues" too. Just saw a professional last week. I blogged about it if you care to read it.
At any rate, sometimes a parent needs to protect their child from their other parent. I know this case isn't as extreme as others but serious enough to be nipped in the bud.
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your replies and words of support - I really appreciate them. I know something has to be done and soon. I think ultimately as you say we have to be honest with SD and confront BM. The advice you all have given is sound so thanks again.
My husband and I are in the process of going to therapy and we have a session booked this week. In that session I am hoping to figure out the ground work for excatly how and when this is approached and come up with an action plan.
Thanks again xxxx
You might want to read up on
You might want to read up on Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). I think soverysad is right on the $.
Wow, the manipulation tactics
Wow, the manipulation tactics used with kids of your BM situation sounds pretty much like what me and my husband will be in for. Two skids, 9 + 12 now, both are so attached to her, while knowing the truth of her fooling around on Dad, my husband, with the guy she's married to now, and in so convincing that poor guy to do, broke up his marriage as well. She's a master manipulator. Look into psychopathy, and sociopathy and the unhealthier range of narcissism. It's scary stuff, and setting up the kids for such an unhealthy way of thinking and living. I'm terrified, knowing before I married my husband that she treated him really badly stealing money and lying, cheating, but am just seeing the effects on his kids now that we're married, and doing so much research of my own and trying to find a psychotherapist specializing in unhealthy narcissism to see how to deal with their issues as they grow up. It's so hard, and so scary in my mind. BM is a lunatic and really unstable, as it sounds like you are facing. But it sounds like narcissism might be a topic that will ring true to you too. About the kids, I'd look into raising emotionally healthy kids (something like that) by John Gottman. And there are a number of good books on narcissism and how to work / communicate effectively with it. Get in touch if you'd like some good titles. Best of luck. *Document everything, it's a pain but if you are ever accused of things by BM, it will help.