Trying my best but always seem to fall short
Forums:
If anyone has time to read the description on my profile just looking for advice. I don't want to give up on this young man because it seems as though everyone else has, I feel he's the only reason I stay in the relationship with his father. I'm trying to get through to this little guy who seems hopeless. No imagination no childlike magical sense.... and it just breaks my heart. I've never seen a child frown while crafting Christmas gifts until now. Is there hope, how can I help this child to just be a kid
Typical
That boy has had a sad start with having no mother figure. But, in my experience as SM of 3 whose mother was present, that behavior doesn't sound unfamiliar. I turned myself inside out to make them happy, did everything possible, celebrated all holidays lavishly, but I often got that " blah" response. I wouldn't take it personally at all. Just keep doing what you want to do. He will probably always be like this with you. There are most likely deep psychological reasons but you cant cure them.
I am concerned you say that he might be the only reason you are staying with his dad. Is that fair to you?
I suppose not. I have a
I suppose not. I have a tendency of putting myself aside for children even when they aren't biologically mine. I'm trying to get things in order to be a mentor for at risk youth. Giving love to those in need is my therapy and form of self love
I understand
I see why his lack of response is so jarring. You seem to be a person with a lot of love to give and it hurts when it is not only not returned, but you get little response at all. Well, look at it this way: this child will give you in-depth experience dealing with at-risk kids.
I worked with school kids for
I worked with school kids for years and i also have 2 of my own. I have done very well throughout the years working with all of them. I thought being a stepparent would come as naturally as with the kids i worked with and with my own. And it has....with one of them.
But SO has 4 kids by 2 BMs and at least 2 of them have major issues. The role of stepmom or stepgirlfriend has its own unique challenges. Your SO might have unrealistic expectations of you. He may undermine you out of a sense of guilt or defensiveness. The BM may actively work against you or be so awful to deal with that it makes you dread any milestones or issues with the skids. The kids themselves may have bad feelings about you because they feel you are trying to replace their mom. Even if, and almost especially if, the mom is a worthless POS. Your SO's family may undermine you out of loyalty to BM.
Any or all of these things make stepparenting probably the worst and hardest way to make a difference in a child's life. And the kid, well, he may just already be too damaged for you to do any good. Don't beat yourself up.
I hope he is in therapy?
I hope he is in therapy?
Unfortunately not I suggested
Unfortunately not I suggested it and that's when I was informed that he is in some sort of counseling that the school suggested.
You are making a mistake.
The problem isn't the boy.
The problem isn't the man.
The problem is you.
It appears as though you have a classic case of "savior complex" which is something you need to explore via therapy.
From Healthline.com:
"With a savior mindset, you believe you can fix other people’s problems. Realistically, you can’t — no one has the power.
“This preconception leads you to keep chasing an experience that doesn’t exist but provides you with consistent opportunities for disappointment,” Joseph explains.
You end up facing failure after failure as you keep living out the same pattern. This can lead to chronic feelings of self-criticism, inadequacy, guilt, and frustration.
A sense of failure can lead to plenty of unpleasant emotional experiences, including:
depression
resentment or anger toward people who don’t want your help
frustration with yourself and others
a sense of losing control
There’s a lot you can do to address savior tendencies. Just identifying this mindset is a good start.
...
Do some self-exploration
Whether they realize it or not, some people may try to help others because they don’t know how to address their own trauma or emotional pain.
You can overcome this by taking some time to identify the things that cause you distress and thinking about how they might feed harmful patterns (like helping others because it builds up your sense of self-worth).
Instead of using others to live out changes you want to make for yourself, consider how you can create change in your own life.
Talk to a therapist
Working with a therapist is never a bad idea when it comes to getting a better handle on what drives your behavior.
It can be especially helpful if:
you want to uncover and work through painful events from the past
savior tendencies affect your relationship
you feel empty or worthless unless someone needs you
Even if you aren’t sure how to deal with savior tendencies on your own, a therapist can offer guidance and support.
...
Whether they realize it or not, some people may try to help others because they don’t know how to address their own trauma or emotional pain.
You can overcome this by taking some time to identify the things that cause you distress and thinking about how they might feed harmful patterns (like helping others because it builds up your sense of self-worth).
Instead of using others to live out changes you want to make for yourself, consider how you can create change in your own life.
"Working with a therapist is never a bad idea when it comes to getting a better handle on what drives your behavior.
It can be especially helpful if:
you want to uncover and work through painful events from the past
savior tendencies affect your relationship
you feel empty or worthless unless someone needs you
Even if you aren’t sure how to deal with savior tendencies on your own, a therapist can offer guidance and support."