possible?
SD15, SS11 and we have together a son 2 and daughter almost 1
Have tried for 3+ years to support SD and SS, at first I tried real hard and put my all in it. Eventually managed to get SD to move in with us a little over a year ago out from her father's who it seemed a very unhealthy toxic house.
Over time my patience has run totally thin to her behaviour and random foul attitudes she gets on. Her mother and my wife doesn't seem to understand the sheer amount support that I have given her and only focuses on any negatives there are such as now me not wanting to deal with it at all. I just want SDs poison away from my babies.
Wife gets angry/upset with SD then talks at me about it one way or another, for example recently it was about food that she wasn't eating. I would reply with short blunt answer, basically along the lines of not my problem, keep it away from me (for at this point my own health) and every time without fail no matter how or what I say wife would put up every defence as if I was attacking her and stur the pot "this is stressful enough for me without you having a go at me too" etc (again doesn't matter what I say or how I say it it seems)
I'll admit now adays these situations do make my blood boil and I'm trying really hard to keep my cool. Seems that my wife just wants to redirect the situation to me and her falling out.
I'm trying to disengage, am new to the site and am learning about all of this. From the limited info I've put on here is there anything anyone can suggest?
SS has his own issues but not a problem to me. My children are my priority, my problem is an incredibly stubborn, close minded, defensive wife and SD.
re: possible
Another thing is as anyone else had rage build up and over time had this very difficult to manage. As I said I have very little patience for this now and am quite blunt about this, I'm seeing a counsellor which is helping me personally massively but am struggling to deal with my inner anger when these situations come about. (Im 100% not violent or anything like that, just feel im going to give myselg a heart attack or something)
As said before my wife really doesn't understand the extent of what I've given up to support her or how much I have supported her and her children, she almost always at some point says how I'm not supporting her. That's where a lot of the anger is coming from i think. Hense why I'm here posting in disengage.
15 and 11 are long past old enough to know right from wrong and
to be held accountable for their behaviors.
Don't over think it. KISS. Set the rules, enforce the rules. They choose to violate the rules, they are requesting the consequences.
Deliver on the consequences.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Authority
I hear what you are saying, problem is largely my wife. I have no authority on SD and anything I try and do in any situation my wife turns on me. So for example about 15 mins ago I went to wash up my biochildrens bowls and my stuff leaving the mountain of stuff left my SD. Wife turned it into a semi argument of which I tried to ignore almost physically pushing me away from the sink, I said what I am doing calmly and she makes out that I'm the bad guy for doing it, if she wants to clean up after sd then fine but I can manage my kids stuff because if I left her to do it then it would be worse off for me having her in her mind thinking she does everything.. by everything, yes for your daughter because that's on you.. its unreal how wife turns everything around because she is unhappy with SD she would create a problem with our relationship no matter what I do, anything I do adds a certain amount of fuel to a fire she creates.
Wife is as much of a problem as SD in all this and I can't get through to her. Just trying to fully disengage the best I can, so glad I stumbled onto this site, not having anyone to speak to, let all my friends go etc this is the only place other than my counsellor I can vent my frustration to. How I can just walk away and not sit with it anymore but come on here and write it out. Anyone wants to comment or advise great! Love to have a chat but if nothing else just to write.
Authority
Lol so I go back inside and wife speaks to me like s**t. What have I done wrong I really can't see it, all the love and support I have given her over the years. She will loose that eventually, have already given up on SD and can say I wouldn't be with her if I didnt have kids with her
Not an easy situation to live.
Take care of you.
Keep the mirror in front of DH and keep pointing out that her choices are why she is miserable and why her child is likely not to launch successfully.
Good luck.