Disengaged
Well, I have made some real progress since last being on this site 18 months ago. My SD now refuses to come to the house I share with her BF. She refuses his texts and calls altogether. Secretly, this is great on my end. However, the down-side is that although he now sees her for the un-attached, manipulative user that she has been since day one with me and my kids and her own grandfather , uncles, etc. he is depressed over their lack of relationship. He was drinking heavily (4-5 drinks a day at one point), but I convinced him to dial that back. Frankly, I have no space in my life for her and the toxicity and game playing she used to subject us to every other weekend, literally she would lie and spin tales to put us at odds with each other. Now she cannot do that, because she is out of our lives. At the age of 14 she has virtually vanished, although living 20 miles away only. Our marriage therapist- yes, we have one after years of bickering over her nonsense and manipulation, stealing my clothing, ignoring me and my kids, lying about where I was in the restaurant once (that I already had left) in an effort for him to leave me there!, etc.....so the marriage therapist has finally opened my DH eyes to her games and how he could decide to let her non-communication tear him apart causing him to lose me, family, everything...or he can find his "new happy" as the therapist put it and find a way to live without her in our lives for now until she comes around. She recently also ignored him on his birthday and her 81 yr. old grandfather when he had surgery....no call, no nothing. Cold and heartless.
Happy, yet unhappy for him, which ultimately she still is winning- although only 10% of the battle. Any thoughts on how to cheer hubby up? SD is continuing to dig her own grave with the time slipping by with continued ignored calls, texts, invite and most recently ignored an invite to Christmas with the extended family, Wow!
Props to you
That is wonderful that your therapist has made progress with your DH. It really is! It gives me hope for my situation.
as far as how to cheer up your DH... and this may sound old fashioned... sex, food, booze, music and conversation about his hobbies.
Advice
Thank you for the advice, I will try that and see how we make-out!
Enjoy your holidays!
Duplicate
Duplicate
Agree with Evil above.
Agree with Evil above.
Been going through this since April - DH was angry, then annoyed, then mad, then sad, then mad again. Now he seems to be in some sort of acceptance of the fact that his daughter refuses to talk with him. And how that reflects on her. And how he cannot control her, BM, or anyone involved with them. We've had a lot of mini-discussions (small/short because I won't get into it too far with him as he tends to want me to fix it or gets mad at me for an opinion) and he continues to go to counselling. Which is helping. This past weekend was the first one in a long time he seemed back to 'normal' - had good conversations, he seemed happy and more upbeat. Which is what I told him both I and SD12 had missed.
I don't stop doing things and neither does SD12 just because her sister is being a jerk.
The basic cycle of grief and
The basic cycle of grief and recovery. It looks like he is moving into the early steps of the acceptance phase of the cycle. Keep him focused and he should make it to acceptance then moving on to re-engaging in his life.... in another couple of years.
The grief cycle, as I understand it, is a 2-4 year process for most people. There are set backs, most of the cycles are repeated, and eventually a new normal is reached.
Good luck. I know that it is nerve racking to have to put your own life on hold while he goes through this.
Take care of you.
Wow, this is spot on! Since I
Wow, this is spot on! Since I did this three years ago, I am always stumbling over my DH'S presence. He is paying attention, I have let it go; should have years ago..
In order for a kid to treat a
In order for a kid to treat a parent like this they have to have support from somewhere else. Is it BM PASing her? It's sad that a parent will pit their own child against the other parent. Awful for SD to grow up that way and so hurtful to DH. He's going to be sad, this is his child whose actions lead him to believe that she wants nothing to do with him.
I've been through similar with my dd when she was a teen. exMIL and exH were awful, they gave her whatever she wanted as long as she chose not to live with me. What was really sad was that she had 4 younger siblings that she was now separated from and she was treated like a spoiled only child. 3 of her brothers are full bio with exH and the youngest is a half sibling from remarriage. Unfortunately it all blew up in their faces when dd tried to commit suicide. What did they do? They decided she was too much trouble and sent her back to me.
I guess the point of sharing my story is that it's probably not the last you will see or hear from SD. At some point she'll get tired of mom, butt heads with her and seek greener pastures which DH will likely happily provide. When I was going through this with dd I was very busy with my other kids, school, life etc so didn't have much time to mope. I hope your hubby can live in the moment and see what a great life and wife he has and appreciate the people in it. SD will come around, it may take time but it will happen at some point. Hopefully you will have a better idea of how to set boundaries in your life concerning her.
Good luck!