I'm not sure of your SKs' ages but I am assuming they are in their 30's, perhaps near 40.  Like you, I'm a mature parent, i have 2 BKs and 3SKs.  You sound like a warm and caring person who would love a closer relationship with both kids.

Their behavior doesnt sound too off-base to me.  Our 5 kids, with one exception, might go for weeks or maybe months, without calling, and I include my BKs in that.  When i look back, sometimes weeks went by before I called my parents.  I had a busy life with 5 kids in the house, worked full time and had a high maintenance husband.  What I'm saying is, it's not you.  I wouldn't take it personally.

You seem hurt that your SD doesn't want much contact tho you've helped her a lot.  That seems normal, too.  If you don't want to help, just don't.  She will figure something else out.  I know it seems like she is making life mistakes.  Sigh, that's a parent's lot sometimes, watching mistakes that could be prevented if only they would listen to us (as if - lol).

When I said we had one exception, it's because SD58 is unnaturally  dependent on DH.  It's a whole other story.  But when she was at a healthier stage, we didnt hear from her for weeks, either.

If we had or have issues, the kids contact us more often.  If we actually need one of them and ask, they come.  I consider all this natural and healthy but I'm an introvert who only wants so much contact with people.

I think your nature is more extroverted and you'd love more contact.  This just sounds like a mismatch.  I wouldn't take it personally.  It sounds like you tried to be a good step parent and you were.  Good luck.

You are not pathetic just because you don't have biological children. It does sound like you have sacrificed much and base your identity/self worth on your relationships, though. It's never too late to value yourself and stand up for yourself. If you don't feel you have someone taking care of you, be that person to yourself. What makes you happy? After all these years serving your wife and her 4 kids, you may not even know. Maybe a hobby, or volunteering, or another career/job, even part-time? Be your own best friend. Just my opinion, and what i'm trying to do.  

No experience of this here. Just wanted to say you sound like a very kind caring man. You have given your all to this skid and they don't appreciate it find someone/something that does. We don't give to receive but giving so much without someone appreciating all the effort seems like a waste of your time. Time you won't get back so do things for yourself and your wife. Your the same age as my mum so I'm saying the same things I would say to her. This situation is not bringing you happiness so find something else that will. There's nothing wrong with you and your behaviour you have done everything you can. No point flogging a dead horse. 

How I wish I had a man like you as a step-father.  You have a wonderful kind heart and because of that you feel deeply and that is why you are hurt now.  No need or reason to apologize for that.  You married your wife as a package that came with children and you accepted them as your own.  You are to be commended for willingly taking on such a difficult task.  I am so sorry that you were met with adversity.  

In reading your post I was a little confused as to how many kids there are 3 or 4?  Either way you are speaking of the relationship with this one daughter I wonder how is the relationship with the other kids?  I personally don't think this is about you I think that this is about her.  It is her issue and it sounds like not her only issue.  While I know if hurts your feelings and I can relate to that, maybe you could focus on the Relationship with the other kids if those relationships are good.  Maybe when your wife shows up without you maybe she will get the message.  

I am a step-parent to 2 kids and unfortunately their mother makes the relationship hard.  I also had a step-dad that I called and thought of as a dad.  My dad died when I was a kid.  My mom died suddenly a few years ago and I found out that my step-dad didn't have the same value on our relationship as I did.  He lied and cheated as executor of her estate, took her life insurance and didn't even give her a proper burial.  I lost them both that day.  I would give anything if he had remained my dad.  I read your post of honest heart felt feelings and I want to tell you, you sir are a gem and a gentlemen to offer your love to your step-children so unconditionally as you have!!  

Unfortunately, it seems that your SD, even after all you have done for her, does not see you as a father, or even as a beloved stepfather, which is what it seems you want. It sounds like the other kids do value you- focus on that. I think this more about SD's character than it is about you.

Take care of yourself, and don't let her behavior take away your happiness.

The problem with kids that parents sometimes fail to remember is that they grow up to also be adults who get to pick and choose the kinds of relationships they want to have. This isn't just a step issue; this happens with biokids, too.

Your SD, for whatever reason, is not interested in a relationship with you. You could make her queen of her own tropical paradise, but that won't change anything. You can't, and shouldn't try to, buy love. 

You've helped her because you care about her and her mother. That speaks to your character and the kind of person you are. Her reaction to those things are independent of you.

Disengagement seems like the right way to go. 

Not new of course, but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. 

Instead of continuing to be at SD's beck and call, shoveling money at her wholesale, etc, etc, ..... actually cut her off. Completely.  Lock down the marital resources and do not allow one penny to find the way to SD in any way, shape or form.  Send your DW to visit SD with only a return ticket and minimal money just enough to feed herself.  Let SD and DW experience each other when it is solely about spending time together rather than mommy supporting and spoiling her toxic failed adult of a daughter and her children.

No more beck and call Jake for SD or her BM, who happens to be your wife.  While you and your DW are together, keep things business as usual, when the topic of SD comes up... lather, rinse, repeat "none of our marital resources will be used to benefit her in any way."

You have sacrificed yourself on the alter of Sparental martyrdom to SD and to your DW status as a failed parent for long enough.  Stop it.

And please, please, please... going forward use paragraphs to break up massive blocks of text.  Even double spaced reading it is mind numbing.

Good luck.

that was one of the nicest posts I ever read here, from the heart. Most of the posts I read people are happy to disengage as they mock their sk with hate. I dont hate my sk I just feel the same that the love I give is never ever gonna be returned the same. To add I feel pressured by Dh to 'become' a family at all costs. Nothing is wrong with you wanting to disangage, I understand completely and if this person was a 'friend' you no longer be wanting this relationship 

to me theres a line where so much you can give to someone- anyone - friend, BK, spouse - and not get ANYTHING back in return. There is a point where all the effort the love the money the time - nothing cames back to you and you don't even hear a 'thank you' that you need to think this is not healthy for you and is not beinf selfish thinking about what you want of a relationship with anyone. Some Step kids feel so entitled sometimes because they see themselves as a 'victim' of a divorce that they dont see that there is a new person that had nothing to do w their parents problems just trying to HELP AND LOVE them as much as they can!

this type of sk are the problem and not you! Disengage my friend but do it all in and feel no remorse! I would keep my door open for forgiveness and love but I wouldn't be the one calling anyone. And I would be HONEST TO this sk ! I would write or talk about how you feel, the things you did, and why you are disengaging! They are adults and should be treated as such, as you have feelings and deseve to be treated as a human being for everything you have done to build a happy family over the years!

from one broken heart stepparent to another 

I'm going to have to disagree with you on this: " Most of the posts I read [here] people are happy to disengage as they mock their sk with hate."  Very few of us here hate our SKs.  You have to remember this is a site "Where Stepparents Come to Vent."  And, vent they do.  Behind every seemingly Evil SM, happy to disengage as they mock their SK, as you say, there is a SM with heart and feeling (a few exceptions noted) and with stories just as tearingly similar or worse than Jake’s.  For these women, it has gone on for years and years.

But. . . after all of those years, the only "suggestion" they seem to be able to get from any and all is, "Suck it up and take it," "It's your duty," "You knew what you were getting into," and so on.  There is next to nil practical advice that takes the SM’s point-of-view into consideration anywhere but here, and there is definitely even a sexist element to most expectations that our society has for SMs that are not there for men.  I'm not saying step-dads have it better than SMs, but I am saying while there are commonalities with SMs and step-dads, there are also differences.  And those differences can and often do make it worse for women and for women to feel emboldened to do anything about it.

See, when I'm on these pages, I always feel I am commiserating with other broken-hearted stepparents.  We all not only feel, "the love I give is never ever gonna be returned the same," but we also feel the love I give is never ever gonna be returned period.  It is the “period” part that gets to most.  Most of us don’t expect the same, but we expect something vs. just nothing or to be villainized for our efforts. 

The next couple of paragraphs are golden, and I agree with you 100%, “To me there’s a line where so much you can give to someone- anyone - friend, BK, spouse - and not get ANYTHING back in return.”  That entire paragraph and what follows is spot on, and applies to pretty much every one of us.

from one broken heart stepparent to another 

Got to agree with you Idvilen!

I come from a very large family which I love being a part of.

When I met my ex partner, and things were going well, I was excited to meet his daughter and get to know her. I have two children of my own, and to me, the more the merrier!

Unfortunately, it did not pan out - the daughter resented me from the start and made that obvious. She did not want to get to know me, or my kids, one bit. 

I think most of us would like to have a cordial relationship with our stepkids - not many set out with the intention of "hating" them.